Collide : A Robsten Fanfiction
by KathrynYule
Summary: It has been 5 years since the Robsten ship sanked, everybody went back to their merry lives. Except, of course, him. She has her own life now. While he, the other half of that team still goes on afloat, or so they think. Now, an unexpected course of events brought them into each others lives again. Will fate be kinder this time?
1. Prologue

**LAX, January 2018**

"Rob! Welcome Back!"

"Over here Rob! Over here!"

"Looking good man! Smile for the camera!"

Flash Flash

"Oh my god it's Robert Pattinson!"

It has been exactly a year since I last stepped out of sunny LA. The paparazzi are still ruthless, merciless, like a pack of rabid dogs out to get you. It was just the way I remembered.

I made my way through the throng at the arrival area, head down, hoodie up, sunglasses secured. A quick get away is more than I could hope for considering I don't have Dean with me right now. I should have called Nick that I was coming. Impromptu has been the theme of my life lately. Schedules that have nothing to do with work don't exist anymore. I've worked myself to the bone for as long as I can remember, the little chance of time I get, I spend it brooding back at Barnes.

And now, now this.

"Mr. Pattinson! Can I have a picture with you please?" A little girl with her mom sidled up right next to me, I almost didn't see her with the lights blinding me, but I did the obligatory smile and looked up to her mom's camera. "Thank you!" she said, and I continued on my way.

I tried to avoid LA for the past year as much as possible, but working for the industry means this is home base. Nick sure did had a hard time making everything work out, like I begged him to. He has to do it, I rarely demand for anything. This past year, he just proved to me that as an A-list, it is possible to get everything you want. Saying yes or no to projects, meeting directors, securing auditions, signing brand contracts, disappearing from the limelight and living like a hermit for a few months and delaying everybody's schedule, and all the little foibles I've gotten myself into lately, Nick smoothed it all out.

But this, this wasn't in the plan. Nick was supposed to fix this.

Flash Flash

"Oh come on Rob! Just one smile!" The papz were trying to block the exit, but airport security was quick in detouring him to another one. Hopefully the car company delivered his ride like he requested last-minute on the plane.

He was having one of those melancholy days 3 months ago when Nick sent him the next batch of project suggestions from the office. He usually gets them on break time and like a professional he allots some of his time perusing it, considering and rejecting some. He sends his reviews back and wait for any development. Vacation after all is vacation and he rarely gets some alone time. The last batch though was a surprise, one project was totally unexpected, it was listed on Additional meaning it was one of those offers that are non-movies, commercials, charity related and such.

But that one, the one that caught his attention was the reason why he was here today.

"Your car's over here sir" the security guy waved me over to the black Lexus on the curb which was already waiting for me. I wasted no time in entering, there was no looking back.

I'm back in LA again.


	2. Chapter 1 : Another Blonde

"Nick's on vacation?"

"Yes, I'm his substitute" the young blonde smiled down to him.

"I don't understand." Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried not to scowl. Suddenly I felt like I was going to have an attack of migraines.

"Well he just called me up yesterday and told me to take over for him. He wasn't really expecting you back you know. I'm pretty sure he said you were on vacation too." She explained as expected but with her eyes narrowing on to him on the last statement.

"I know, I'm sorry I didn't call" He gave up pretending on not scowling, sighed, and gave her his usual appreciative smile. Then he went back to scowling on the carpet. Now what?

"Would you like me to contact him? He didn't exactly say how long he's going to be gone but if you need any assistance on anything I'll be glad to smooth it out" She said amiably. She then went to the office bar and took out a bottle of cold Evian and handed it to him.

"Thank you," popping the cap, he finished the whole bottle while contemplating what to do now that he's here, and without Nick.

"I wasn't sure if you secured one already, but do you want me to call on Chateau Marmont and get you your usual suite?" Surprisingly, she read his mind.

With a nod to her direction, he went back to the last phone call he had from LA, or voicemail to be exact:

"Rob, I know it was too much to expect, but I sincerely hope you didn't say no because of me...I know, I sound pretentious, but please please don't back out, you were her first choice, she'll find somebody to replace me okay?"

God that voice, deep and dark but with the occasional hitch especially when she laughs. Hearing it again after all this time, hearing her say his name again, it was making him sweat through his shirt. His emotions have gone haywire again, like they always did.

He's not surprised why he's acting this way, it was always expected when faced with the presence of her. Just even thoughts of her were enough to shake up his current controlled state. Now what?

It's not as if he's gonna see her again here. They weren't called ninjas for nothing. They used to be really good at planning flights in and out and scheduled appearances just so that they won't accidentally bump into each other in events. It was always like that publicly. Privately, necessary meet-ups were planned accurately. That was especially the year when they were trying to patch things up, but like everything else, it finally fell apart. Meet-ups were no longer necessary. They each went on with their own lives.

A kind word about her, a funny memory of them once in a while in interviews, those were the only times a public mention was volunteered. Most of the time, he just like to keep his thoughts private. Private memories of her are for him alone.

"Mr. Pattinson? Rob?" The young blonde whose name he forgot again called him back to attention. "The receptionist said you are welcome to check in anytime you like"

"Great!" He stood up and ran his hand over his hair, rumpling it like the usual. He grabbed his backpack and made his way out of the office, but before he disappeared down the hallway he turned back to her. "Oh, and can you schedule an appointment for me and Katy Perry?" With a little wave of his hand he finally went out.


	3. Chapter 2 : Graham Norton and Equals

**London, June 2015**

"So Nicholas, tell me, is this dating rumour true about you and your Equals co-star?" Graham Norton, with his usual sly questions winked at Nicholas Hoult,one of his guest star for tonight.

"Aww man, not you too," with a laugh, he looked on for help to his co-star Guy Pearce right next to him. "Well we did sneak out to the pub and had a few rounds last night, did that count as dating?" Nicholas played an innocent frown pretending he didn't know who was the host referring to.

"Guy Pearce?! You're dating Guy Pearce? You little peacock, I didn't know you were bent that way!" Norton, eyes wide, disbelieving had all the studio audiences and his male guest stars laughing. "What do you have to say to this Guy?"

"He did finish a lot of beer last night to mistake me for a brown-haired green-eyed beauty he was missing." Guy Pearce grinned.

"Ohhhhh...brown hair, green eyes. Interesting. I wont be surprised if you find yourself harassed later because you might have outed a certain couple." with a conspiratory wink and a chuckle to the audience, Norton turned back to Nicholas.

"So tell me lad, why is your lovely co-star, not Guy, not here with you today?" He asked.

"Coz she was afraid something like this might happen." Nicholas replied, glancing down with a little smile on his lips.

* * *

"Is that the Graham show Rob?" Claire called from the kitchen.

Rob turned off the television and stood up. He should finally get working on that score he was planning to do. He was playing on a few notes earlier on the piano and was supposed to do some on his guitar tonight. He's suddenly feeling restless and wanted to get his hands on something.

"Rob honey, why did you turn it off?" Claire wiped her hands on her apron and grabbed the remote to turn the TV back on, although Lizzy was quick to interrupt her.

"Mom, let's finish baking, we'll watch a rerun later okay?" Lizzy maneuvered her back to the kitchen with a warning glance then looked on with a worried look to him.

He really needs to get started on that score. He hurried up to his old room and grabbed his guitar from the floor. He sat down on his bed, guitar positioned on his lap and set his mind to finish what he started.

Lizzy didn't hear music. She didn't hear anything at all for some time, but she did hear a loud smash from her brother's bedroom.

Poor Guitar.


	4. Chapter 3 : Lizzy

When you fall in love with somebody, do you remember exactly when and where it happens?

I think it's all bullshit when somebody says so. Does anybody even know the tell-tale sign of being in love? It could be mistaken affection for all we know.

The problem is, no one really knows when this happens, they don't even know if they fell in love with the right person.

What if she's completely wrong for you? What if she's with somebody else? Does love make it all work out at the end? I hope so, coz nothing is going right, right now.

I curled up into a ball in my old twin size bed, because I don't fit anymore, or maybe because the lingering smell of her in my shirt that she wore when she was here is gone, and it's just really cold and drafty here in London.

I feel like a weak idiot, with that sentiment in my mind, I threw the old shirt into the laundry basket by my door. It deserves a good washing, it was stuck in my drawer for 3 years. It's about time, there's no use holding on to it anymore.

* * *

"Don't you think you should go and call her first and ask before you believe the telly?" Lizzy said solemnly across the breakfast table.

"hmm...what did you say?" I asked nonchalantly. Then i stuck a mouthful of pancakes in my mouth.

"Last night...I was behind you watching the show," she added.

"Guy looked like he gained a few pounds. I miss him. That man has a way with words, people don't realize it though. He's just there listening most of the time." I laughed. Yes it was good to laugh, I don't get a lot of that here lately. Maybe i should go back to work...

"Rob!" Lizzy called him back. "You're not paying attention. I'm not talking about Guy Pearce"

"I'm not talking about anything, i just want to eat" I retorted laughing, and filling my mouth with food again.

Lizzy sighed audibly.

"I'm talking about the possibility of Kristen moving on" she said. "...now we know who that is."

I gulped down the whole glass of orange juice and then burped so loud i think the neighbors heard it.

"Whoa! okay. I'm full." I stood up with my plate and haphazardly placed it on our sink. "See you later" and then I left my sister there staring at me.

If i could for just one moment not think.


	5. Chapter 4 : Cannes 2012

**CANNES, 2012**

I've often wondered if her skin is as smooth all over like I always imagined it. Those were the days I envy someone so much coz he has what I don't.

I ran my hands all over her smooth porcelain skin, careful not to wake her up. She wasn't able to rest enough, after what I put her through last night. I grin to myself. There's no denying who she's with now.

She's mine. She'll always be mine.

I lay back down and hugged her back to me, nuzzling her hair. Contrary to what everyone thinks, her hair smells good. Her skin has its own scent, I would bottle it up if I can. "My own brand of heroine" Edward would say. Yes. I'm so addicted to her.

I noticed how I got so possessive of her lately. It's like I can't bear not knowing where she is every moment. I have the need to plaster her to my side and have her stay there forever. I sound like a maniac but last night I just couldn't help but realize that my fears where actually founded.

It's normal for couples in the industry, seeing your counterpart in a movie with somebody else. It's all work anyway. Easy for them to say when they've been through that emotion for so many times in their lives already. Seeing her nude with two men, aroused or slightly disturbed, I didn't know what I was feeling.

I ended up a little drunk in her after party last night. I wasn't able to say my feelings out loud. I was just so proud of her, yet i was feeling a little needy also. Arms wrapped around her the entire time, stealing all her attention. I wanted to get out of the place and just drag her back to the hotel room and mark every part of her. It's crazy!

Unlike them, I've only loved one woman, only her. I feel like a green boy with all the overwhelming emotions, I should be used to this by now. It's been like 2 years for us, but it's only lately that we've grown so close and transcended that easy-going relationship we used to have. Now, we have to be more serious. Moving in together, attending weddings, visiting family on holidays, considering the future, you can't call them baby steps anymore.

I find myself thinking about our future lately. Sometimes I open it up in small conversations, but I understand. We're still so young. She's still young. The thought of it scares her a bit and even if she doesn't say it I can see it in her eyes.

But No, I can't bear it. I can't bear the thought of her not wanting to share her future with me. If i have to wait, I'll wait forever.

It's so early in the morning but there's no post-coital glow for me, it's just me and my emotions choking me slowly. I hid my face in her hair not wanting to see the dawn breaking outside the french windows. I hugged her to me tightly and bid the day to come a little late. It's my turn now, I know she'll be there. She hasn't seen the movie yet, hopefully she'll like it.

* * *

"Babe...that tickles" she said breathlessly.

"You're awake" I chuckled, surprised.

She turned in my arms to face me with a little smile on her lips. She framed my face with both her hands and planted a morning kiss on my lips. I grabbed the back of her neck to hold her to me and prolong it, but she laughed and kissed my neck instead and hurriedly got out of bed.

"Come on, we have to hurry or else we're gonna be late" with her hands outstretched, she coaxed me out.

"Can we stay here forever instead?" I asked, languidly stretching on the hotel bed.

"It's your big day Rob, and I can't wait to be there for you" she reminded me.

I stared at her there, standing in all her glory. No thought of being shy, so proud like a goddess. My goddess. I smiled at her. No, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go back to the real world where I have to share her.

She sighed and sat back facing me on the bed. Slowly she brushed her hand over my hair, rumpling it more. We just stared at each other like that for a few seconds. Then she slowly whispered the words I rarely hear "I love you..."

I took a deep breath. Everytime I hear it, it always steals the breathe out of my lungs. I find myself gulping for air each time. I suddenly sit up and grabbed her to me.

To hell with the festival.


	6. Chapter 5 : Chateau Marmont

**Chateau Marmont, Los Angeles,**  
**January 2018**

"I can't believe you had your manager set up an appointment instead of calling me yourself instead!" Katy announced as she walked down the aisle between tables at the patio.

I was surprised. I intended to enjoy brunch alone and start any business after it. I'm trying to not get worked-up, it's been a year since my last visit here, and that visit doesn't even count much.

It was a measly 2 days, but the longest 2 days of his life.

"Mr. Pattinson! Not even a hug?" with a little pout she stood in front of me, hands on her hips.

I grinned and slowly stood, arms wide, "Come here Baby."

We stood there in front of everybody at the patio, hugging each other for a good solid minute. Nobody would dare take a picture, or the security will see their asses out. So we were pretty much confident that we won't be gracing the tabloids tomorrow.

"God! I miss you!" she hit me with her purse. "What the hell were you doing not showing your lovely face here?" she exclaimed. I helped her to her seat right next to me

"Hmm...i decided to take up buddhism and was about to join the monastic order when you called." I said innocently.

"Oh really? tell me more." she answered sarcastically while lighting a cig.

"How did you find me?" I asked. She extended a pack of Newports but I shook my head.

"Whoa. Is this just now, or are you finally taking it seriously?" she narrowed her eyes at me.

"You're not answering my question" I replied then took a sip from my ice tea.

She guffawed, took a puff then blew it on my face with a sly smile, while I tried to evade it. "Calm your titties babe, your anxiety is showing"

I looked on with a serious look waiting for her reply.

"Ok fine! I knew of course that you were in London, but Tom said you don't stay that much in Barnes. Your manager has no idea as he claimed and 'legal and personal issues'" she air-quoted, "stops him from handing out your number to me. Damn him." she admitted.

"and..."

"I don't even understand why you're hiding yourself in that goddamn island in the first place" she claimed. "Frankly, I'm just happy that the bed and breakfast your staying in has a receptionist who's a fan of mine. I still owe her by the way, or she wouldn't let me leave a voicemail in your room phone!"

"Are you done?" i asked.

"No! And if you think I'm going to apologize I'm not. I'm pretty sure that's not even the reason why you're pissed...is this because...?" she looked at me knowingly waiting for a reaction.

"I'm not pissed at all." I replied without a trace of sincerity.

She sighed.

"Rob I'm sorry. I know it was too much to hope for, but you guys are my friends and I wanted to direct this music video and I wanted you both in it. All or nothing." Katy snuffed her cigarette on the bowl. "I'm not even sorry."

"What?" I tried to repeat her last statement in my head, knowing i misunderstood.

She glanced questioningly seeing my expression. "What do you mean what?"

"But I thought..." I was speechless. Where the fuck is Nick when you need him?

"You're here in LA for this right? I mean you didn't just climb out of your rock or cave or island just to make me feel guilty for nothing?" She said laughing.

"Coz she called...and she said..."

"Oh my God!" she laughed out loud there in front of everybody on the patio. "I can't believe she did it. She actually did, did she?" She asked incredulously while still laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" I glared at her. She needs to calm down and not call that much attention to us.

"Well I told Kristen that I was able to contact you finally. I mean, after you denied that project paper I sent to your manager to give to you. It's better to ask you personally right? She suggested that I talk it out with you coz she kind of surmised it might be because you guys both aren't ready to share the screen yet." she said trying to hold her laughter.

"When I told her that I left you a voicemail at the BnB, and your manager called me to say No, she said she was backing out coz it was you I wanted at the first place. I suggested she call you and you guys should get your shit together," she laughingly continued.

"But I didn't expect that she was serious when she said she'll tell you the 'good news' herself. She does have other priorities...so I kind of let her go on thinking i already replaced her, which I haven't yet" she smiled.

"Which you will, right?" I just stared at her trying to process everything she said.

"Which I won't" she said seriously.

I sighed and grabbed a Newport from her pack and lighted it up. I took a good puff just to calm my nerves.

"You can't leave, you're already here. Why not try it instead. It's just gonna be for a few weeks. I promise to be a little understanding of your situation, I mean you guys are actors. Act it out!" Katy was grasping for anything she can just to hold onto him apparently.

"And besides, it's time you meet Kristen's Tom."

I was afraid she would say that.

* * *

Hey Guys, Feel free to leave a comment so I may know how you feel. Like if you're hating it or the pace is too slow. Please please Thanks! Highly appreciate it.


	7. Chapter 6 : Marlowe

**New York City, New York**

**May 2013**

"She's so beautiful Sienna!" Kristen exclaimed.

She and Sienna were both bent on the crib at Marlowe's nursery. She was already 10 months this May and growing up fast. We haven't any time for our friends lately because of our busy schedule. Hell, we hardly have time for ourselves these past few months with all the schedule and all.

"Look who's here Marlowe! It's Kristen!" Sienna teased. The baby actually cooed and they both giggled.

"That could go on for hours Rob" Tom said, handing me a cold bottle of beer. We continued on to the living area and situated ourselves at the couch.

We stayed like that for a while, relaxing and taking in the comforting atmosphere of their New York townhouse, like any english man enjoying port right after dinner, but beer instead.

Taking a draft from my beer, I looked at him noticing the contented smile on his face.

"That contented look you got, I guess it doesn't get any better than this, you'll surely get the Tony" I said, referring to his 'Orphans' broadway performance and his nomination.

He laughed out loud then looked over at me sizing me up. "Yes I'm happy with the nomination, and I'm glad the show is getting great reviews, but you are deluding yourself if you think my contentment stems from that," he explained.

"Well, what is it then? I'd like to know the secret..." I admitted, though I sound a little teasing, I actually was serious.

"Family. Just them, Sienna and Marlowe. Probably my family back in London, but those two girls, I couldn't be more grateful" He said obeisantly.

I wasn't able to answer back, but I did smile at the thought of him so happy. My friend, we used to be so lost in life, not knowing what there is for us next. Now, he finally has the theater and the coveted award nomination, but he tells me something else different was responsible.

Something else different, the woman he loves and their child.

I thought of Kristen upstairs with Marlowe. I thought of Kristen playing with a completely different baby, our baby. What would she be like? Would we be able to live in a townhouse like this, like any normal family raising a kid?

Will Kristen get the chance to walk around the park with a pram carrying our little boy or our little girl in it?

I picture her now and how she usually looks like while strolling the streets, and then I remember we don't get to stroll in the streets, not with the press hot on our trails.

Then a completely different image came to mind. An image of Kristen cradling our baby in her arms running away from the rabid papz, no finger for them now, not with Kristen holding something so precious.

She would be scared. He would be scared for them.

Now, he can picture it out in different scenarios, different scenes of them with a child. It's going to be one big nightmare, unless they manage to stay hidden. Then what? Hide the child forever? Impossible.

"Rob are you okay?" Tom's question broke through my thoughts, pulling me back to reality. "I think you're tired, you've got what? 3 days and you guys are back in LA again." he said sighing.

"Sorry, It's been a long day" I cleared my throat and finished my beer. Just in time, Kristen and Sienna appeared in the doorway of the living room.

"She's asleep! I put her to sleep!" Kristen said laughing.

"Good for you Kris, trust me when I say that's a big accomplishment" Tom replied, grinning at his fiancée. "Rob's beat" he added.

Kristen glanced at me worriedly. I was supposed to fly back to LA tonight, same day she came in from LA also. I opted not to go and support her in this MET gala event instead, even if I'm just a stay-at-home, or stay-in-hotel rather.

"It's okay, I think it's time we let you guys rest already" she said to both, giving Sienna a kiss and a hug. Then same with Tom.

We called our service, then they walked us out to the foyer hand in hand. There's no denying that these two are in for the long haul. They're just the kind who effortlessly stays.

"Someday, you guys will be bringing somebody over to play with Marlowe." Sienna said confidently. "We're looking forward to it. Make it soon" she added.

"Uh..No. Not possible." I hurriedly replied.

Then the awkward silence followed that heavy statement, but nobody commented. Not even Tom who can tease a pun out of everything. So we just stood there, letting it sink in. Letting it sink in, in my girlfriend's mind like it did in mine earlier, but the car's there already so we bade them goodbye and went back to our hotel.

No words in the car were exchanged.


	8. Chapter 7 : Knocked off course

**Beverly Hills, Los Angeles**  
**OCTOBER 30, 2013**

I looked at her, my gaze unflinching, my expression unfaltering. I have never been this torn yet so certain in my entire life.

I still remember the time I found out I was serious about her, it was so clear like the light of day. I was so in love that night. I was so in love with somebody I was practically bursting with it. Now, I could never love somebody this much again. No, never again.

Her green eyes bright, tears streaming down her face, pleading with me. She was kneeling in front of me, begging me to reconsider it. Begging to consider us. Mumbling sorry and sorry again, how she was so wrong and how much she regrets doing this to us. How could she still look so beautiful? How could you still look so beautiful Kristen?

How can you make me love you still?

I tried to push her hands away while she was trying to frame my face and make me look at her. No, i can't look at her. I won't be able to handle the anguish so obvious in that pale face. I have decided and I have to go through with it.

Even if that makes me the shittiest man on the planet, I just have to break her heart. Just like how she broke mine.

"No Rob...No..." She mumbles. "Look at me, please. Please please look at me!" she insisted trying to grab my face again. Kneeling in front of me like the sorriest person. "Rob, I love you! I love you so much Rob you just can't...please Rob..." she continued to say, but then dropped her hands to the floor, face down sobbing, mumbling incoherently.

"Stop this Kristen" I said, still not looking at her. With her hands away, I stood up evading her chasing grasp.

I continued on to the doorway, my back to her already. I didn't know where I was going. It's my house, I can't just walk out of my house! But I have to leave, I need to leave and just not see her like this.

"Fix yourself. . .we cannot speak like this" I said, clearing my throat, trying not to betray my emotions.

She slowly straightened, still sobbing, crawling to the couch i just vacated and sitting herself, burying her face in her hands. "Please Rob...please." she mumbled to herself.

I turned to finally look at her. She lifted her face to look at me.

My God! I feel so vile. I hate myself, I hate myself for doing this, I hate her for making me do this. Her eyes are still bright with tears, but what was so ingrained in my thoughts is the face of heartbreak so clearly visible through them.

"I don't love you anymore...not like the way you want me to" I whispered.

"You're lying" she almost sneered.

I ran my hands through my hair, pinched the bridge of my nose, again and again. "No...I'm not" I said staring back at her.

"You're lying" Her face softened, then crumpled in a pitiful way "please...please tell me you're lying" and she carried on like that, crying and rocking herself, arms wrapped around her like trying to hold pieces of herself together.

She cried and cried, and I hated myself more and more, so I left her. I left her there in the living room in this almost bare rented house. I left her there crying herself in the only couch in the living room, alone, hurt, and vulnerable.

I went up to my room, grabbed a beer I left earlier,and found out it wouldn't suffice. So i threw it on the wall letting it break and make a mess while I stared at my ceiling for three whole hours. I stared at my ceiling while the girl I love, and probably would forever, tried to patch herself together downstairs.

She probably would succeed, I probably won't. I'll just stay broken like this. I was broken ever since I met her. "Broken..." I whispered to myself, then I let the tears flow.


	9. Chapter 8 : Birthdays and Retributions

**Los Angeles, **  
**MAY 12, 2013**

"Don't you wanna go out with them?" I asked her. She was there sitting on a wicker chair right next to me reading a book. We were on the porch trying to enjoy the afternoon.

She closed the book and glanced at me. "No"she smiled.

"Why? They called a couple of times already, you probably realize they won't stop until you gave in" I explained. Those friends of Kristen became my friends ever since we went out together. They're a rowdy crowd, reminds me of my pals back home.

"It's your birthday tomorrow, There's a lot I have to do, and stuff I need to buy and all" She replied in all seriousness.

She was planning a party here tomorrow for my 27th, friends will be coming over and some acquaintances, although I'm not really sure who her guest list are. I'm frankly worried and tired, if It was left to me, I'd rather have some alone time.

"Rob, are you okay?" breaking me from my worrisome thoughts, I looked at her.

It took me a second to catch my breath, but for a moment she looks so much like the Kristen I met when we were auditioning for Twilight. God, I sometimes forget how beautiful she is.

"You're staring" she said with a frown.

"Yes I am" I smiled back.

"See something you like?" she retorted.

Is she feeling naughty again? I wonder if she's up for an afternoon romp. I winked.

"Yep, I like it very much" I stood up and yanked her to her feet, hugging her to me and giving her a long eager kiss on the lips. "In fact, I like it so much I want to spend the rest of the day and my whole birthday tomorrow with her...alone" I admitted honestly, showering her with kisses all over her face.

"That's not possible" she answered laughing and trying to kiss me back still, hands wrapped around my neck.

"Yes possible, tell them sorry" I mumbled in between kisses.

She stiffened, smile fading. "But I've got everything prepared!" Looking up at me scowling.

I laughed. "I know, but that isn't what I want for my birthday."

She broke free from my grasp and straightened her shirt trying to think. I actually managed to ruck it up while we were kissing. Progress interrupted.

"Rob you just cannot bail out on these people, we already promised tomorrow to them" She explained. "We told them on my birthday remember?"

"I know, just tell them something came up," honestly, I was getting a little miffed. Although it was just a random thought, I really would do prefer a stay-at-home us-alone birthday. I'm glad my tongue was loose enough to tell her.

"I prepared everything already! It's your birthday and I want it to be special!" she answered, her voice a little louder than he expected.

So the discordant mood was apparently contagious.

"Who fucking cares? For once, can I get what I want here Kristen?" I answered back, words stinging, eyes glaring.

It's out now.

"What?" She looked aghast for a moment.

There were things you realize when you get your heart broken. For me, the fact that I can't live without her, then the cold reality of having been cuckolded and questioning your own manhood. Cuckold? We're not even married, but thank God. Thank God were not married.

I tried, for the sake of the boy and girl who fell in love with each other. I tried for those two lost souls who only wanted the world to understand them.

But I cannot do it anymore. She has to know.

"God damn it Kristen! For once, could you stop being so selfish!" Exasperated, I sat back down trying to get my shit together.

"What the hell did I do now?" She asked.

"It's nothing you did, lately if I must add" I glared at her. We won't be talking about it, as promised. Some topics are just better uncharted.

"Rob please don't bring it up, not again" her voice softened, tone pleading. It hurts for both of us every time.

"It's nothing in particular. I'm just having a hard time trying to pretend I'm fine when I'm not" I explained. Somehow, I came to a point where I can't even look her in the eye already. So I stared on the hardwood floors of the deck and just let it all out.

"When I was in Adelaide, I get so much time alone that I actually had time to think things through..."

She was pacing the deck now, conversations like these don't end well, everybody knows that.

"In that amount of time, i got all my priorities straightened out. I realized that If I wanted to succeed in my career I have to stop paying attention to other people's unfounded judgment." I glanced up wondering if she knows where I'm getting at. But no, she was already frozen in place staring at a random plant or tree in the vicinity.

When I was alone out there, I knew that the only way I get to have a sure footing in this relationship again was to understand what I really wanted out of it. I wanted Kristen, but I wasn't sure If she wanted me like I her. I realized that if I wanted to get back in the game I have to think of myself also. But like always, when she's there in front of me already, I find it hard to let her go.

"Kristen, it's not that I don't value us. It's just after all that's happened I find myself in a disadvantage. I find myself undervalued."

"By who Rob?" she interrupted.

"No. Its not like.."

"Say it! Just say it!" she lashed out. "Just say that you find yourself undervalued by me! That I'm an ungrateful bitch! That after all these years I manage to fuck up the only thing that actually means anything to me. I fucked you up. I fucked you up so bad I can't even fix you...no matter how hard I try it would never be the same, because I'm a selfish bitch who was so scared of something so real she took the fucking bait when reality wanted her to get a fucking grip!"

She was shaking. Her legs trembled, her face in a grimace, her eyes closed trying to keep her tears at bay.

I was there one moment so sure of myself, now I lost it again. Like I always do in all these arguments.

I stood up and closed the space between us, wanting to comfort her but knowing I don't have the right, but I need to hug her and feel her now.

She spent the last few months trying to make it up to me. It was such a drastic change from her usual self it scared me at first. If our relationship before was more of me trying so hard, after the shit storm, she made up for it tenfold.

I know she blames herself so much for this, and I wasn't any help at all, I was only there for her to worship her feet at. Someone she could grovel at to make up for the guilt she went through.

"I love you so much Robert...and I'm sorry." she sniffled.

I wasn't listening anymore, my mind was made up. I realized it wasn't gonna get any better, we were both like broken records all the time. Same arguments, same insecurities. This has to end at some point. If I don't end it now it's only gonna be harder then.

"Kris, listen to me...I think we need to give each other time to heal. I don't blame you for it, I don't blame you for anything at all. If I was a stronger man we might have pulled through, but I'm weak and I'm only gonna drag you down with me" I calmly explained. It was a practiced speech. There were so many times I've wanted to say it but find myself scared of losing her, so i let it go by.

Now i regret it, I can't take the words back.

"But I love you...I always will. You know that right?" She was stiff in my arms, barely moving. "But we have to let it each other go...for now"

Then she cried, she cried there in my arms. She has been crying a lot lately. Maybe this was for the best.

We weren't the same people anymore.  
She lost herself. I lost myself along with her.

After a long spell she pulled herself out of my arms, but not before she hugged me tight first and smell me too, yes she just did. She brushed her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt, "I got to go, Maybe I'll make it in time for the party after all"

She hurried in the house. No words from her, just acquiescence. So I just stood there with her scent and warmth lingering in my arms. I tried to engrave it in my mind. I found myself storing memories for safekeeping lately, maybe I knew it was coming.

After a few minutes I heard the front door close and her car start. I stayed a little longer to secure the dogs and make sure they get enough food and water. Who knows when she will be back, coz I know I wouldn't be for some time.

* * *

Still no comment from you guys? I really want to know what you think.

Shout out to **Channette:** Gusto mu na ako patyon ay?


	10. Chapter 9 : Another Birthday

**London**

**Dec 5, 2013**

"Happy Birthday"

"Thank you" Tom smirked. "Though that would have been better if it came with a smile" he continued.

"Smart ass" I mumbled. "Aren't you just glad I'm here? And 2 weeks early for a party if I may say."

Tom laughed and moved over so I could sit right next to him on the counter. I just arrived in the pub where he was celebrating his birthday in advance.

I looked around trying to get the feel of the place. Aah London pubs. They never change. That's good, at least I have something constant to look forward to.

"What's with the long face?" Tom asked. It was just the two of us, Sienna was at another table greeting some friends.

"I don't know, but thanks for inviting me over. I needed the diversion"I admitted.

"Sure you do. What's up in lala land?" he probed. We both know what he was asking.

I haven't really talked about the episode last October. I had so many things to do there was just no time for grieving or regrets. Time flew by with none the wiser.

Now, it's December. We haven't communicated since that day. Unlike the one that happened in May where we at least had some civil exchanges of the most mundane things afterwards. Some pleasant inquiry about current projects or shared co-stars, find my inbox once in a while. It was a welcome truce.

I moved out of her place and camp at the Chateau while I waited for the house I was renting. She actually helped me pack, though if I do go there, she would be out and vice versa. Boxes with labels organized in her manner was placed on the side, although I noticed she left some of my stuff and didn't pack it. Some caps and shirts and jackets are still in the drawer as if waiting for a usual weekend visit. I didn't bother taking it.

All i asked of her was space, I'm not even sure what that meant. Although that pretty much sums it up. A 'Hi, hello' in our messages and an occasional phone call from her asking how I was doing. If I think back, I realized she did gave me the space I needed, but she also tried her best to keep things civil.

Then I ended it. I ended it just because of one incident, just because she missed me. For like the entire month she tried setting up a lunch date at her place or even a gig and a night out at our frequented spots. I said no all the time, till she gave in and drove to my place that october day.

She said she was weak and the civility was just too cold. She said she just wanted to see me even for a while, coz she knows I'll never take the first step to reach out.

So, she came, and then I broke her heart.

"Finished woolgathering?" Tom broke into my thoughts. He was already on his second bottle.

"I was just thinking" I sighed.

"You've been doing a lot of that lately." He said with a nod. "Kristen's no better"

I flinched and didn't answer.

"She calls me and Sienna sometimes" He admitted.

"What? Why?" I narrowed my eyes at him. Kristen calling them is a surprise. Maybe because they were his friends and it's just awkward.

"Coz she's our friend too Rob...and really, she loves Marlowe and asks about her all the time" Tom answered. An incredulous look on his face. He can judge, it's fine. I admit I'm being an asshole lately.

"I'm not saying she can't call you. I'm just surprised that's all" My voice was raspy, must be all the beers I've been drinking.

Tom was silent. So when he spoke up it was the last question I expected from him.

"Did you make it hard for her?" he asked. His voice was too soft, I can barely hear it over the loud voices in the place.

"I don't know what qualifies as hard." I answered honestly. "She came over and I wasn't expecting it. We had a row, then I just had to tell her it's over...but I just can't tell her to leave, so I went upstairs locked myself in my room thinking that she'd be gone by then"

"Rob..." Tom interrupted.

"No let me finish. I thought she would be gone" I continued.

There's not stopping me, I finally have the chance to get it out of my system, now that Tom is here to listen.

.

"After a few hours I heard her slam the front door. I was surprised she was still there, so I checked and saw her getting in her truck. That stupid old truck that's more of a danger most of the time!"

God, I was so angry that day. I was so angry when she revved it and all I can think about was how she could be in danger going home distressed like that. I remember running down the stairs grabbing the keys to my jeep and chasing her down the road.

"You know what I did? After I made her cry, I can't believe I still had the nerve to try to see her home safely..." I laughed to myself. "I was an asshole."

Tom just stared at me not knowing what to say. I didn't know what to say after that either.

So I pretended everything's fine again.

I look over to him and found him frowning. Maybe he was concerned about Kristen, and that thought gave me comfort. The more people who love her the better, to make up for the shit I did. I smiled at him now.

"Thanks for that!" I patted his back. "Now enough with the morose mood!" I exclaimed, then pulled him up to join the rest of the party.

It was a good night. It was good coz it made me forget.


	11. Chapter 10 : Meet Thomas

**Los Angeles, January 2018**

"Rob you really need to come! How can we do this if you don't even show up for the cast meeting?" Katy asked rhetorically over the phone.

"Cast meeting...cast meeting for a freaking music video" I grumbled.

"Yes! It's my direction. I deem it important" She answered. "And besides, we still have to convince Kristen and you're going to help me...she doesn't know yet"

"What do you mean she doesn't know?!" I exclaimed. Seriously, how could something so simple become so complicated suddenly.

"Well...she doesn't know you're here yet and that you said yes" I can practically hear a giggle on the other line. Damn Katy and her matchmaking tricks.

I know Kristen's single again. She broke up with her ex last year. They've been going out since 2015.

"How could she not know? I was a feast for those papz when I showed up my face here for the first time since the past year." I reasoned out. Every time I tune in a news channel and go online, random pics of me at the airport comes up.

Now I remember what I hate about LA.

"Come on Rob, it's gonna be really fast" she said.

"I think I can handle really fast" I replied quietly, she barely heard me. When it sank in I can hear her whooping at the other line.

"Okay! One down, another to go. Now I need you to drive here to Calabasas" She said.

"Calabasas? Can't you have it in an office or studio like any normal film maker?" I demanded. Seriously, I'm already doubting her 'really fast' promise.

"Well, you see...Kristen can't leave her house..." she explained sheepishly.

Kristen. Kristen can't leave her house. We're going to her house. What a bomb.

I was already calming myself coz I'll be meeting her again after a long while, and now this.

What is wrong with me? I need to grow some balls apparently.

"Rob...oh Rob I'm sorry. It's not gonna be hard right? I mean you guys are fine, aren't you? Kristen's like totally fine with the thought of working with you again you know" Katy's not-so-obvious probing is doing more harm than help.

I looked up at my hotel room's ceiling. I was lying down, although all cleaned up to leave any time. I've thought this through. I agreed to do this video in all equanimity.

Kristen seems fine with it, why can't I? Seeing her again was bound to happen in this small world we live in. Why not do it now and be over it?

Maybe because I'm still not over it. The last time I saw her was supposed to be the moment where I would have been free afterwards. It was the time I knew she would never be mine again.

It was exactly a year ago when I actually flew to LA in the express wish to see her. I really didn't know how to go about it, but I knew how it was going to end.

Us, Us was going to end. It was then I decided that If I wanted a clear conscience and a calm state of mind I have to deal with the storm that is Kristen in my life.

So there, I set us up to meet somewhere private. Her house was the best option coz she wasn't able to leave that time considering her fragile constitution, and someone wouldn't let her. Nick wouldn't let her.

I told him I just need to return something, he let us be and left for somewhere. I did return something to Kristen, her heart. I was suppose to get mine back also. Only to realize afterwards that it wasn't possible.

I learned not to deny it anymore and just deal with it instead. This woman owns me forever probably, unless I find a way to purge myself of emotions.

Women in my life the past year comes and goes, all under the limelight. It was all short lived, enough not to call it serious and long enough so it won't qualify as a fling.

Women...women who can never compare to Kristen and what we had. Maybe I'm having a hard time because I keep looking for Kristen in them. Maybe.

"Rob!" Katy shouted on the other line. I forgot about her.

"Sorry..." I answered on reflex. Then I took a deep breath and said, "Okay. I'll give it a try."

"Yes! Thank you very much! I'll meet you at her place" she said happily, then finished the call.

I sighed and pocketed my phone. This is it. I stood up and grabbed my trusty backpack and hoodie. On my way to Kristen.

It wasn't that hard to distract myself, I actually enjoyed driving in LA again. I noticed a new resto and a renovated building in some street or a familiar corner. Then I saw the usual turn I take to get home to Aberdeen. There were so many things to be happy about.

I tuned in the local radio, something happy, so I might be able to pick my mood up before I face her.

Yes, I think I'm gonna be just fine.

I drove through Calabasas parkway until I arrived at a familiar drive, the same place I went to last year. Her house. I looked around. Shit. Katy's not here yet. That sly minx.

Okay Rob. You can do this.

I actually stayed inside the car for a minute and geared myself. I cannot just stay here or else she'll read it wrong.

Besides, I think it'll be better If I see her first before Katy arrives and makes everything awkward.

I walked to the imposing front door but hesitated. I didn't really want to ring her bell.

I realize, I'd rather see her first. Maybe so I could stare at her? No. That's bordering psychotic. Okay maybe!

Before I could think it through I was already making my way to the side entrance, I remember the pathwalk leads to the kitchen and back porch.

I can hear dogs barking, but inside the house, so no worries for me there. Maybe it's just old Cole. I miss Cole. I miss Bear and Bernie to be honest, they were greatly missed.

I walked up the sun deck and took a peek inside the house. I can see the dining area clearly, the kitchen was blocked by a wall. I moved a little more to the side right next to the kitchen door and I can hear music clearly now. She was listening to Jenny Lewis, typical Kristen. I smiled to myself.

I wonder where she is. I tried to flatten my face to window to see through the sheer curtains and get a glimpse of her.

What a psycho. She's gonna freak out if she sees me like this spying on her. I laughed to myself.

Then someone laughed right next to me.

I flinched, shocked, and glanced down.

There on the deck floor is Baby Thomas. Kristen and Nicholas's 15-month-old baby.


	12. Chapter 11 : Bun in the Oven

**NEWS ****June 2016**

Big news for Hollywood tonight! Actress Kristen Stewart and her on and off screen boyfriend Nicholas Hoult are expecting.

Yes you heard it right. The famous hook-up in hollywood is expecting their first child, and if sources are correct the already famous baby will arrive on September.

Hoult and Stewart started dating each other since the promotion of their movie Equals where they played lovers. Though both never confirmed their status, they've been seen together frequently ever since the movie came out. Both have famous exes also, Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Lawrence.

I wonder what they have to say now that their ex lovers are finally gonna be parents.

Am I hearing wedding bells too? Sources say that Nicholas has been planning to propose to Kristen for months, although she was too traumatized by her past with Pattinson making her hesitate with the long-term commitment.

Some sources also claims that she isn't over the other brit yet, and if given the chance she might leave Nicholas for him if he takes her back. Is this true? Pattinson's too busy dating his blondes to even check-up on Kristen.

Now that there's a bun in the oven, will that change things for Stewart and Hoult? Are they finally gonna tie the knot and complete the family?

I say yes, coz those two, deserve a happy ending.


	13. Chapter 12 : The Silver Child

**Calabasas, January 2018**

"Ba...boom boom"

I stared at the child who was sitting on the deck floor right in front of me. He has a sprinkle of dark brown hair on his head. a toothy and gummy smile and a pair of striking green eyes. I know where those came from, seeing them clearly for the first time hit me right in the gut.

"Hello" I greeted him, but I was still too shocked to actually show some emotion.

"guh..guh" He mumbled in baby talk, then giggled striking his palms on the hardwood floor. Then to my surprise, pointed to the dog flap on the kitchen door.

Oh so that's where he came from. I realized his mother might have lost sight of him. Does she know the baby's gone missing?

I look into the kitchen window again but I couldn't see or hear Kristen.

This is crazy, I've been working myself up so much that I'm sweating again. The idea of meeting her was foremost in my mind, but the least I expected was a lost baby.

I looked down to Thomas who was looking at me expectantly and smiling. All I can think about is how I can kidnap the baby easily, and how his mom would freak out if she discovers her ex lover took him.

I crouched in front of him, he was crawling to the wall then slowly pushed himself up to stand. He slowly turned to me while garbling baby words.

"Where's your Mommy, Thomas?"

At the sound of 'Mommy' his eyes lit up and he clapped his little hands together. "Maaaah..mi" he followed.

I actually laughed surprised yet again. "Yes! Mommy! Where's Mommy?" I asked him, wondering if the little guy actually understood what I was asking. I reached out for the knob and tried it, but it was locked.

"Mohh...Mom" He continued clapping and giggling, and now was stomping his feet, but to my horror, he slowly pitched forward loosing his balance.

I reached out just in time and held him upright. Now, it was a genuine laugh that he was giving me. He slowly raised his chubby hands, indicating that I should lift him.

God, this kid was kidnappable.

Suddenly I heard a loud bang and subsequent footsteps inside the house.

"Thomas! Thomas where are you?" And there it was. The voice I was dreading yet wanting to hear for a long time.

"Mom Mi" Thomas struggled from my arms reaching for the door. I was already standing up.

"Mom! Mommy!" He actually shrieked loud enough. There was no mistaking that word now, the dogs started to bark and was scuffling to the kitchen door and emerged from the dog flap.

Cole! Among the two dogs it was Cole who actually got out first. He was barking yes, but he wasn't attacking me. Clearly he knew who I was.

"Coco...Co!" He shouted reaching to the dog, forgetting his mom yet again.

"Thomas! Oh God not again!" I can see Kristen's shadow from the curtain hurrying towards the door.

My heart started thumping so loud. My ears were ringing. My salivary glands acted up and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

I clasped the baby to me unknowingly, like a security for the dreaded encounter.

Then the door opened.


	14. Chapter 13 : Regrets

**Los Angeles, October 2016**

"You're flying back to London tonight?" Tom asked on the phone.

"I was planning to, but Suzie called. They just brought her to the emergency room" I replied to Tom trying not let my worry show.

"Again? What happened? The last time I checked with Nick she and the baby were fine." Tom insisted.

"Yes. I know. Though from what I know and little information I get, she was having high-grade fever and abdominal pains. Then she started bleeding. Nick had to bring her to the emergency room..." I sighed.

There was a moment of silence in the other line.

"Are you planning to go there now? Or did you call me again to express your woes?" Tom asked quietly I barely heard him.

"I don't know. I've tried my best to keep on the sidelines. Somehow, I'm still having difficulty with this" I murmured.

"Rob, get your shit together." Tom said abruptly. "I know you man, you should've moved on by now. Can't you leave those two alone? They're family now! They have a kid!"

Tom has always been censorious of my left over feelings for her. After I left her in 2013, both of our lives were in limbo the entire year after.

Both of us were caught up with projects we were finishing back to back. There was no time to catch-up. Ever since that October day any communication decreased from holiday greetings, to polite how-are-you's that happens once in a blue moon.

Then when that unwelcome thought of her came by the start of the new year, he realized that whatever bridge they have, it was already non-existent.

He accepted it. It was expected. That was goodbye already that October, but every time he remembers it he realized they never really said goodbye. They didn't get the chance to say the word.

It's too late now. It's been more than a year. Thankfully they didn't cross each other's paths since then, fate couldn't be that cruel. She spent almost all her time filming, and when she flies in, he would be out in another state doing his projects too. All was good.

But, it wasn't great. Along came the emptiness and the restlessness he used to feel back then, before filming Twilight, before meeting her. He cured it with his constant partying if he gets the time. It helped, in a way.

Just when he thought he was okay, the news of her with somebody new brought it all back again.

She deserves to be happy. He himself has gone out with women too, albeit discreetly. He just didn't expect to feel like this with the thought of her with someone else.

Maybe because he kept avoiding her. Maybe because he keep denying himself of her friendship. I mean there's nothing wrong with ex-lovers being friends right?

It was then he started deliberately campaigning for her friendship again.

Everybody was surprised. No harm done, she's with somebody else. I just want to be friends.

He started going to the same parties, he calls on the same friends. It wasn't that difficult. His, hers and Nick's circle were almost the same.

What he didn't expect though was how she was obviously trying to stay away.

Nick welcomed the friendship. He was a nice guy, and he shouldn't be worried especially when I almost always show up with a random woman with me.

I have to, If I don't, I end up staring at her the entire night. I just want to win her back. I just wanted to have my friend back.

I missed her. I miss everything about her, her honesty, her quirks, her crazy antics and her selfless dedication and loyal friendship.

All this calculated manipulation to win her back went unnoticed, except our close friends. They think I was playing with fire. I never thought I was.

Honestly, I actually don't know what I was doing. I'm just propelled by the need to see her and hear her constantly.

She was civil to me. If I joke about it, she would retaliate with a witty one liner then politely exit. Sometimes she seeks out Nick in the crowd if she had enough of me. I never show signs of getting tired conversing with her. I'm just bothered that she never fails to show up without him if she knew I was there.

One time I got so drunk I tried getting her alone. I needed to talk to her. I was feeling a little lonely and I came alone that particular night.

"Rob what are you doing?" She asked as I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the terrace.

"Dance with me" I slurred. I held her close to me and started swaying her under the moonlight. The music from the main room can be heard from here, the cicadas were doing their own thing too. It was reminiscent of the time when we were young and we were dancing also in that scene. She tried getting free but I held her closely, she gave up and sighed and just let me sway her. She wasn't looking at me. She rarely does. Her green eyes are now for someone else.

I hate it. I was jealous. I hate the thought of her with him. I leaned down and kissed her cheek. She flinched, I was oblivious, I started rubbing my scratchy chin on the visible part of her neck. It used to turn her on.

"Rob.." She froze.

I wouldn't let her so I continued pulling her with me. Then I deliberately kissed that spot behind her ears. She sighed. Yes. She wants it so bad I can feel it.

I took it as a welcoming sign and swooped in to claim her lips to a bruising kiss. She stilled in my arms as I continue to encourage her to open to me.

"Come on Kris...just one...just open Baby" I murmured in between kisses.

Then she pushed me. "You're drunk! Stop this!" She exclaimed loud enough to bring me back to my senses.

She ran her hands through her hair trying to even her breathing.

"Don't do that again." She said, then left.

She left me there on the terrace with a raging hard on. She left me there unfulfilled for the last 2 years. She left with Nick and she didn't even turn back to check If i was still there.

"You're the one who left her Rob" Tom stated the fact that I was denying to myself for so long

"Do you think I don't know that?" I replied.

"I'm just reminding you. You seem to forget how you left her devastated. I was there Rob. She wasn't okay. She was never okay. You were fine, but she wasn't. Don't you think she blamed herself enough? Then you go and add to it. I'm just happy she found someone too. I never though she would." Tom admitted. The censure was palpable.

"What are you trying to tell me?" I asked.

"I think you should let her go." He advised.

"I don't want to." I claimed.

"Stop being an idiot! She has suf...

I slammed down the phone, I don't want to hear other people's opinion anymore, even Tom's.

They don't know me. They don't know how one person can change. They don't know how debilitating it is to give up on somebody and realizing what a huge mistake you made.

God what a mistake I made.


	15. Chap14 : Robert Douglas Thomas Pattinson

_**PART II : KRISTEN**_

**Calabasas, January 2018**

I was still under the family room couch trying to reach for Thomas' milk bottle. The damn thing had to roll to the farthest corner out of my reach.

"Hang in there, honey, Mommy just needs to find a way to..." I grunted. I positioned myself flat on the floor with my right arm hooked inside with the end of the mop. I just need to hit it so it'll roll back out.

Slowly I swerved the end towards me hitting the bottle in the process. Terrific.

"Got it." I said. Then I straightened up to look back at Thomas who was probably patiently waiting for me to get his bottle back.

He wasn't. He wasn't there.

"Thomas?" I put the bottle back on the counter then stood up and looked around. Only Cole and the new pup at the corner was there.

Thomas took his first steps already, still alternating it with crawling but we're getting there. This, was the problem though. You just lose attention for one moment and then he's gone.

"Honey where are you?" I started going around the couch checking if he was behind one. Then I looked to the nearest room to the library just to check, but he wasn't. Then I checked inside the guest powder room, still no sign. I glanced up the stairs wondering if he crawled up while I was busy. So I went to the second floor checking all the rooms. He wasn't there, he wasn't in any of them. I started panicking imagining the worst scenario.

Shit! This is what happens when you sent the Nanny home for a 2 week vacation.

"Thomas! Thomas where are you?!" I called out louder this time. I kept looking around until I heard him call out Mommy.

My heart leaped and I started running down the stairs. It was coming from the kitchen. The dogs were already there when I came. He was outside.

"Thomas! Oh God not again!" I exclaimed. I should have told Nick about the dog flap. It was starting to be a nuisance.

"Coco...co!" I hear him now. I unlocked the door expecting my son crawling around the deck.

The sight that greeted me was so unexpected I actually faltered and had to hold on to the door frame.

"Rob?" I started.

There he was, standing right there on my sun deck. Windblown hair, hoodie down with my son in his arms.

"Hey..." He greeted, smiling sheepishly. "I found your baby." he continued.

"Mom mi!" Thomas shouted reaching out his chubby arms to me.

I reached for him and hugged him to me to calm myself. He's okay, that's great, but my heart was still beating fast in my chest.

I took additional deep breaths, positioned the baby in my arms and faced the one person who until now still has the ability to shake me to the core.

"What are you doing here?" I started. God this is awkward. I didn't know he was coming!

"Katy said to meet here..." He explained.

It dawned on me that he already accepted the part on Katy's video.

"Oh...so it's a go. That's good" I answered. I was still fishing for the right words. It was difficult if your heart rate still refuses to go down. "Come in. You can wait for her here" I lead him to the family area and slowly lowered Thomas in his play pen.

Katy called earlier and told me that she was coming over about the video. I was busy then so I just agreed with everything she said, I didn't catch anything important. I also didn't hear her mention Rob's name, if she did, I'm pretty sure I would've caught it.

I remember that I already told her that I would willingly back out so she can still have Rob, I wonder who they picked to replace, and why the hell did she have to do it here.

I also remembered I hadn't showered or fixed myself. I ran my fingers through the strands of my long hair just to make sure I didn't look like crap.

Since when did I start caring so much, this was Rob. I can look like crap and Rob would not mind. Maybe that's why he felt undervalued...I should've cared more.

"He's growing up so fast" He said. I looked over at him situated at the nearby couch. He was observing Thomas. It wasn't as If he has never seen him before. Nick told me that he came when I gave birth, he didn't see me, but he did get to see the baby.

"I know" I smiled. Nothing calms me more than the motherly pride that comes up every time I talk about him.

I turned to Rob while I sat across him. "So how are you?" I asked. It has been a year or more already since the last time he and I talked. It wasn't even a pleasant memory.

"I'm okay, you?" He asked back.

"Well...I'm a busy mom now." I admitted. "No projects for me until he stops...umm...breastfeeding." I felt my cheeks go up in flames. I can't believe I have to mention that.

I glanced up and noticed he was looking at my chest now. I cleared my throat and he casually looked down and around.

"Sorry...TMI" i said.

He smiled. "It's okay. I knew you were gonna be a wonderful mother...it's no surprise" He continued then looked to Thomas again.

"Thank you" I said shyly.

"Mimi...Mimi!" Thomas shouted, distracting both of us. He stood up and shook his play pen indicating he wants out. Then the phone rang.

"Mimi!...Mom mi!" He screamed this time when he saw me walking towards the phone instead.

I picked it up. It was Nick

"Hey Kris. How are you holding up?" He was calling from New York. He was there for a show and I just told him that I was alone at home with Thomas.

"We're okay. He 's just a little cranky" I sighed. God, I missed Nick. Especially now, I need someone to hold on to. Rob's sudden presence is taking a toll on me.

"It's normal. Just make sure you have somebody over with you so you could get some rest." His usual protectiveness was always a welcome respite. I smiled to the phone.

"Do you want to talk to him?" I asked. Thomas, or Tommy as he is fond of calling his son, gets a kick out of blabbing on the phone.

"Yes please" I can already hear him laughing on the other line.

I was surprised that Thomas stopped screaming, when I turned to them he was comfortably situated on Rob's lap.

He just needs to stop holding her kid, it's giving her butterflies in her stomach.

"Thomas! It's daddy." I said. The Baby looked up and started bouncing on Rob's lap.

"Dada!" He shouted and laughed while clapping his hands. I hand over the phone, he of course knows where it goes already.

"Hewo..." He mumbled to the mouthpiece. He climbed down from Rob's lap and started balancing back to the corner table. He was baby talking the entire time.

I laughed and sat back to my chair observing his very serious conversation with his dad. Rob laughed too, we looked at each other.

There's just so many words left unsaid.

There's just so much pain between us that moments like these are too awkward already. I grimaced, remembering our last meet-up. I always do. It still is so fresh sometimes.

"He sounds serious" Rob pointed out.

"He seems to be...Nick makes sure to keep in touch with him even if he's away most of the time lately" I explained to him.

There are some things he doesn't need to know about Nick and me. I chose to remain quiet about it for now. He probably knows we broke up already, the news of the broken engagement was all over the media. What they don't know is, there never was an engagement.

Thomas toddled back to me still clutching the wireless phone to his ear. "Dada.." He said and handed the phone back.

"Nick are you still there?" I checked.

"Kristen, who was that?...I heard a guy's voice." Nick sounded worried. He is most of the time, especially if he's away.

"Ummm...it's just Robert. He and Katy are meeting up here about the video I told you about" I hurriedly explained.

"Oh...Are you okay?" He asked. He knows me so much already it scares me sometimes.

"Hmm...yeah" I looked to Robert careful not to betray any concern.

"Okay. Call me if you need me. I'll try to get an early flight tomorrow" He said. I doubled back when I heard what he said.

"What? No. No there's no need. We're fine. Don't worry I'll call you. Just concentrate on the show" I tried to dissuade him. Sometimes the lengths he'd go to for me warms me to my toes, giving everything up even potential award-winning movies just be there for me and Thomas when we needed him the most.

"Okay. I'll call again later. .." He said. "I love you." He added before ending the call. I sighed. He doesn't wait for my response anymore. He doesn't want to hear it.

I looked over to Rob who was observing me carefully, he glanced down to Thomas who was busy stacking blocks on the carpeted floor. He was smiling.

"Do you want something to eat? I'll go get some cookies at the kitchen" I stood up, glad of the small reprieve.

Suddenly the door bell rang. Instead of the kitchen, I went straight to the foyer.

It was Katy as expected.

"Kristen Honey! Is Rob here already?" She said in between hugging and kissing me.

"Yes" I glared, sending a clear signal that I know what she's up to.

She laughed. "That's awesome!" She pretended to not understand my message and continued to the family room at the back.

"Hello Robert! Have you met your son already?" She announced.

"KATTTTTTYYYYYY!" I screamed.

* * *

Hello. Thank you for reading up to this Chapter. I hope you enjoyed the story, so far.

Please feel free to leave any comments and suggestions and maybe dissapointments you have with it.

I would be really happy to hear from you. Thank you! :)


	16. Chapter 15 : The Bowery

**The Bowery, New York**

**May 2013**

I looked at his sleeping form right beside me. It's almost 3 in the morning and he's snoring soundly at our hotel bed. He's out, I thought to myself. I did tire him. It's crazy how we get so into each other if given the chance, like bunnies in heat. I laugh to myself.

I can't sleep. I should be exhausted but the little voice that has bothered me for the last few hours has kept me awake. I've been thinking of our taxi ride back here from the Sturridges' place.

Visiting Tom and Sienna after all these months was a welcome thing. Marlowe, their 10-month-old baby was so generous of her attention it's making me reconsider priorities in my life.

Sometimes, I wonder what our baby would look like if me and Rob had one. Surely he or she would look like him. I smiled. I would dearly love for our baby to look like him. He'd be so beautiful and wonderful.

I glanced at Rob flat on the bed with one hand behind my neck and the other curled on his tummy.

I raised my fingers to his face, tracing his eyebrows then running it to the tip of his nose down to the side to curl by his jaw.

I sighed.

Things in our world had been busy lately, especially his. Great things are happening for him, and I'm glad he still gave me a chance to be part of it.

God, I almost lost him.

Thinking about those dark days still make me cringe. Those were the days where I never wanted to wake up. Even nightmares were better than the reality I was living then.

I would cry until I felt like my eyes are swollen, until my heart felt like it was gonna explode from the pain. I would cry out his name until my mom would beg me to stop, for she would be crying too. People don't understand the need I had to hurt myself then. I wanted to hurt myself.

Never did I think about the human capacity of hating ones existence so much. My parents and my close friends did their best to stop me from doing the inevitable.

It was crazy. I never thought I could be that weak. I never thought I was capable of doing something to hurt myself that much, and end up hurting everyone around me. I never thought I was capable of hurting the one who actually mattered so much. I never thought of hurting Rob.

I was so sure then than I'll never see him again. I was so sure of it I never even bothered to redeem myself, or tried to crawl back in his graces after that last statement. The last statement was the only chance I had to be able to get through him, and even it constituted to speak to the world about a stupid mistake I made, I had to do it. I knew it was the only one I'll ever get.

I never heard from him back for so long.

It was so cold. It was so damn cold I was shivering that entire summer. From what I can remember, I was closeted in my room in a self-imposed exile. Suzie told me it came to a point where I stopped eating. I stopped going out. I almost stopped doing everything. I didn't care.

I didn't care what the others thought. I didn't care how much everyone hated me. I didn't care coz they'll never hate me as much as I hated myself back then.

I didn't care. I just needed him back. I needed Rob back.

I caught myself silently crying again.

"Are you okay?" I flinched as I heard his drowsy voice whisper in my ear.

I hurriedly dried my wet cheeks with the blanket then turned to smile at him.

"Hey...yeah, just a little exhausted" I replied. I'll never get tired seeing him right beside me for the rest of my life.

He laughed. "Says a lot about my prowess" He then pulled me closer to him chest to chest. He brushed his hand through my messy hair then slowly got closer to kiss my forehead, his sign of affection.

"Go to sleep" He murmured.

"I can't" I admitted, hiding my face in his neck.

"Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" He quietly joked. He never does, if he does try, we always end up laughing, or turn each other on so bad we end up awake the entire night.

"Babe...can I ask you something?" I whispered so quietly half wishing he won't hear it.

"Hmm?"

Damn it.

"Umm...what do you think of Marlowe?" I asked. Might as well get it all out now that's here.

"She's cute...and noisy. I think Tom and Sienna will never get a night of decent sleep for the next 18 years" He answered confidently with a little laugh at the end of the statement.

"Hmm...what do you think of us not getting a decent sleep for the next 18 years?" I asked innocently. I hope he knows where I'm getting at.

He guffaws.

"I think we never have one every time we share a bed" He admitted proudly. I had the urge to playfully smack him.

"Rob! You know what I mean." I said, exasperation in my voice.

"Yes babe, what do you mean?" He conceded, pulling me closer and nipping my neck. This guy is insatiable.

"I meant...Rob wait..." I was starting to sound breathless again. He was distracting me with kisses and bites. "I meant like If we make our own Marlowe" I hurriedly continued.

He froze. "What?" He moved enough so I can clearly see his face.

"It's crazy, but I think It would be so cool to..."

"Cool? It's not that cool" He interrupted.

He moved to straighten on the bed, leaving enough space between us. I felt so cold suddenly I pulled the blankets tighter around me and continued to explain my epiphany.

"I think it's cool...I would name him Thomas after you." I admitted. My voice was so soft I barely heard it myself.

He laughed disbelieving and for a moment my heart broke a little.

I like Thomas. I like the thought of Thomas with Rob's hair and eyes and nose. I like him so much already.

I sighed, giving up so fast because you're scared the illusion might shatter.

"Nevermind." I said, then I curled myself on the bed facing away from him.

For a few minutes I didn't hear or feel anything. Then his arms snaked around my waist to my chest to hold me close to him, my naked back to his hairy chest.

"Maybe someday...but right now you're not ready" He said. "And besides, we have our burgeoning indie career to think of" He laughingly added.

I shrugged, opting not to say anything.

I hear him take a deep breath behind me like as if he was trying to hold himself back from saying anything I didn't want to hear.

"Let's just test the waters for now...and I think you're probably too restless to settle down this soon" He explained.

"Rob shut up, you're making it worse" I snapped.

"Kristen...after what's happened, settling down should be the last thing from our minds. Do you even know what you want already?" He asked seriously. I refused to look at him, but his tone requires serious consideration.

"How do you know what I want?" I asked the space in front of me. I still refuse to look at him.

I waited for him to let go. He was still hugging me to him though. We're skin to skin already from top to bottom, but I feel like our hearts was never more apart than it ever was in this moment.

"I don't know what you want...hell, I don't even know what I want. Right now, let's just enjoy what we have ...right now..." He whispered.

Those were the last words he uttered before we both fell asleep in each others arms.

Right now is what we have.


	17. Chapter 16 : The Stuffed Lobster

I ran to the family room just in time to see the dumbstruck expression on Rob's face.

"What?" He blinked.

Katy laughed so loud then actually went to him and pinched his cheek.

"You should've seen the look on your face!" Katy exclaimed as she bent down to scoop Thomas in her arms. "Right Tommy? Aren't you a Hoult from head to toe?!" Thomas giggled. "Yes you are honey, yes you are!" She crooned.

"That was not funny at all Katy!" I scolded. I sent Rob an apologetic look but he was still distracted I can clearly see he was shaken until now.

Katy paused in swinging Thomas and faced Rob and scrutinized him.

"Oh My God! Robert Douglas Thomas Pattinson!" She looked horrified. "Wipe that look off your face. I was fucking kidding." She said. "Are you thinking about what you were up to during the time of the conception of this child? Tough Luck Honey, he isn't yours" She smirked then crooned back to Thomas who was listening in rapt attention.

"Katy! You shouldn't be swearing in front of him" I scolded yet again. I couldn't look Rob in the eye now. So, I went to the kitchen to retrieve the cookie I was supposed to serve earlier.

Katy giggled. "Sorry!" she shouted to me then looked back seriously at Thomas. "You young man did not hear anything I just said, or else I'll be hearing an earful from Nicholas"

"Dada..." He answered back.

"Yes. I'm on your Dada's list already, let's not put me on top...okay?" She continued.

"I could kill you for this" I hear Rob tell her when I came back with the plate.

Katy just laughed it off. "Well aren't you interested to know why he was named Thomas? Your namesake?"

I sighed. Until now that issue still comes up.

"You don't have to tell me. I already know" He said while getting a cookie.

I was surprised. Did he remember me telling him then? Though the fact itself was a sure dead give away, no explanations needed. I named my son after my former lover. It was a good name anyway.

"I'm sorry Rob. Katy thinks she can get away with anything coz Thomas loves her" I glared again at her to let it sink in.

She just laughed, along with Thomas who seems so taken with her.

"I say grab the child now and run and I'll tackle her for you" Rob drawled.

At that, Katy scoffed, hugging Thomas to herself. She looked at me and Rob who were sitting side by side on the couch, but with enough space to sit an elephant in between.

"Are you two ganging up on me?" She asked. "That's an improvement."

I rolled my eyes and stood up to take Thomas from her.

"I say, say your piece so we can finish this as soon as possible. This little guy here will be needing his nap and he won't be getting any if you insist on keeping him awake" I said while juggling Thomas on one hip then picking up his bottle on the counter.

I turned to pick up his little blanket on the floor but someone beat me to it, accidentally grabbing each other hands instead.

We slowly stood up, uncomfortable or a little shaken.

"Here" Rob took the bottle and the blanket and Thomas' toy for me. "Where do you want me place it?" He asked.

I was still reeling from the feel of his hands, it took a few seconds to regain sanity back.

"I...umm...just place the bottle on the kitchen sink" I mumbled then made my way to the kitchen after him.

Rob lowered the bottle on the sink and faced me.

"Is there anything else you need?" He asked.

"Boo boo..." Thomas pointed to his toy clutched in Rob's hands.

Then Rob smiled and slowly approached us.

"Is this Boo boo?" He lifted the stuffed animal then scrutinized it. Recognizing it for its significance.

"Is this the lobster I gave you?" He asked now looking at me.

"Boo boo!" Thomas struggled in my arms reaching for Rob.

"Thomas found it in a storage box..." I explained, trying to change the topic to avoid any further comments.

"Oh...storage box" He said to himself, curling the stuffed lobster in his hands then slowly handed it to Thomas who hugged it thereafter.

"You go take your nap now Thomas" Rob told him while reaching up to mess with the baby's hair earning a playful laugh from him.

I smiled a little, denying that soft spot I suddenly had in my heart.

"Do you guys want me to leave so you can continue flirting?" Katy shouted from the family room.

We both sighed. Then started apologizing to each other in tandem.

"I'm sorry.."

"I'm really sorry..."

We stop and smiled at each other instead.

"I have to go up. I'll be back." I said abruptly then grabbed a new batch of milk bottle by the counter then hurriedly escaped from my feelings.

I'm too old to be flirting.


	18. Chapter 17 : Hopeless

"So what exactly do you want us to be doing?" I asked.

I'm amazed by the equanimity I'm showing by asking that question. I was fine when they both told me that they're going through the project, but I should have completely flipped out when they stated I was to play the part intended.

No shit. I should've know when they both appeared in my doorway today.

"Hmm...well it is a series of love songs of mine that will be connected by the same lovers in the videos" Katy answered while browsing the pink portfolio she brought.

"So it's a music video" I clarified.

"Yes...but not really in that sense" Katy beamed. "It will be amazing."

"How many days again?" I asked. If we can finish this in a few days I can probably return to my normal state of equilibrium. Rob can return to his own exile and we would both be fine. No harm done.

Besides, I've been rethinking stuff with Nicholas lately.

Isn't ironic how you decide something, then the world conspires to work against it the very moment too?

Magnificent.

"Days? Weeks more likely." Katy snorted.

"Weeks..." I repeated it to myself. "You know I can't commit that long. Thomas still needs me"

I glanced at Rob who was quiet the entire time. He's probably listening to the conversation but opted out earlier, leaving me to face a decision.

I went down after putting Thomas to sleep, which is not an easy task. That kid has the energy of a 5-year-old, but I love him. He could be the naughtiest and I still won't complain. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

How could I not choose him over everything in my life? He only has me, and yes Nicholas who will always be there for him, but what binds Thomas and Nicholas largely depends on me too.

I knew it was a big decision I was making to keep him, that would mean giving up a lot of things in my life. That also meant I was gaining something so valuable my life would never be the same.

That was also why I decided to cut down projects then actually not having them at all for the first year of his life. I was able to spend every waking hour with him, how can I give that up now?

"It's only for a week. You can bring him with you" Katy continued.

"What?" I asked. For a moment, what she was suggesting was hard to imagine.

"I would love to see him everyday!" This time she was even more convinced that this was the only road to take.

"Katy! That baby needs attention 24/7! You can't expect him to be on the set and get along with everyone!" I argued. It was impossible. He's going to spend half the time sleeping and half the time fussing, and Thomas doesn't sleep anywhere.

"Katy, let it go" Finally, Rob spoke up.

"No! We have to find a way coz I refuse to pair you two with other people! It's always Rob and Kristen for me!" She insisted, with a slap of her palm on the portfolio for emphasis.

"God Katy!" I exclaimed.

"Please just a week. It's very important to me." Katy said. "Besides, I'll be the one whose gonna put you back together on-screen, I'm claiming it." She preened.

I glanced at Rob who looked to me just in time. Like a little thunder bolt, the hair on my skin stood up and my nerves were like wildfire, lighting up every corner of my skin.

Shit. I can't survive a week with him.


	19. Chapter 18 : 2445 miles

"Tell me all about it..." Nicholas' voice sounded out from the earpiece of the phone.

"Well...he was here today, and you know that already" I said nonchalantly.

We don't live in the same house ever since Thomas turned one. It was inevitable, we knew it from the start.

Though unlike how my previous relationship failed, I try my best with this one. Nicholas was blameless, but he had a share of the shit I went through after that fall.

"How did it go?" He asked. There was a note of caution in his voice. He probably doesn't want me to know how he's feeling about this sudden reunion.

"Well...we talked about the project Katy was proposing.."

"and...?"

"I can't go through with it." I said with finality.

"How come? You were fine with it, and it's about time you go back to acting." He suggested.

It was always an issue on when I'll be going back to work. Everybody knows I love my job, but things change, and it's silly to suddenly go back with 'this' project to start with.

"It's just that Thomas needs me right now...and to go back with something like this...people might give more meaning to it than it should." I sighed. Let him take it for what it is.

"Why do I feel like that isn't the reason you're holding back...?" He asked with a little laugh. I frowned. Trust Nicholas to find this amusing.

"Nicholas! Seriously!" I screeched on the mouthpiece.

He laughed heartily now. "I miss you!" He said after.

I sighed. "I miss you too...I think." I added grumpily. "This conversation isn't helping!"

"Okay! What do you want me to say?" He asked, still with a trace of humor in his voice.

"That everything's still gonna be the way it was..." I admitted to him, and probably to myself.

I was scared. I was scared of the looming hurt. I'm scared of feeling again. Probably because I know I haven't fully eradicated it yet, that it was still possible.

Why? Why after all this years I'm still capable of feeling this way?

"Kristen" Nicholas' solemn voice came through. "I can't promise anything...but I promise I'll just be right here."

Yes. I know he'll always be there. It was what I was scared of. It was unfair. I thought of those words as we ended the call. I thought of it until I fell asleep, stifling those unwanted tears in my eyes.

I thought of it.


	20. Chapter 19 : Tomodachi

**JULY 2014, JAPAN**

"Why are you always so solemn?" His voice distracted me. I glanced across the table to look at him.

"What?" I asked.

"I was asking why you are always so solemn..." He said with that ingratiating smile.

"Umm...I don't know. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose." I shrugged, returning my attention to the ramen in front of me.

"Yes you are, especially when you're with me." He said audibly. Some people from the group actually turned to look down the table at us.

"Uhh!" I scoffed. Unable to say something with my stuffed mouth.

He smiled and leaned back on his chair enjoying my discomfort. He waited for me to swallow my food and for an appropriate comeback to his statement.

I wiped my mouth, then narrowed my eyes at him. That british cockiness reminds me of someone. I don't like it.

"Listen here, dude" I signaled for him to lean over so I can whisper. "I don't know what's going on that mind of yours but trust me when I say I don't take you personally..."

He glanced up bringing our faces closer. I flinched.

"Okay. That's good." He smiled.

I leaned back to continue eating when he spoke up.

"You're just one moody female I guess. Probably on your period or something." He was grinning.

"OW!" He exclaimed when I kicked him under the table.

Now, almost all the staff looked down at the table at us. We both looked back and smiled innocently.

"Shut up and eat" I glared at him while he keeps laughing it off and rubbing his shin.

"Come on, let's go light up" He said after dinner. Reaching out his hand for me to pull me up.

"What?" I asked but still I held on to him.

"What what? You're always deep in thought I could never start a conversation" He said while he led me to the smoking area. Dodging the crowd and making sure I kept stride with him.

"I'm sorry" I apologized as soon as we were alone.

"It's okay" He said while lighting up his cig then handed me the box to take one.

I took one, slipped it between my lips then reached down to my pockets for the lighter but failed to find it.

"Here" He leaned over to light up my cig, holding my face steady with one hand, cupping over the stick then lit it up with his lighter.

I puffed then continued to stare at him. I knew him way before then. I remember meeting him at my 23rd birthday when he came with Riley. We didn't get to acquaint ourselves with each other then. This probably serves as a good setting to do so.

"Now take a deep breath and relax" He instructed along with hand motions sweeping up then down.

I laughed. "What are you doing?" I asked in between puffs.

"I'm teaching you how to chill" He winked.

I shook my head, he is unbelievable. His cockiness is like a breath of fresh air now.

I just laughed at his antics and listened to him ramble on.

"So we should be really great friends after this." He said after a while of talking about shooting and the movie, and Japan.

I shrugged. "Probably" I teased.

"Why probably?" He lost his smile now. I guffawed.

"I have a bad history with British men" I smiled, then stubbed my finished cig.

His eyes widened, he thought for a moment before turning back to me. He knew of course what and who I was referring to, but of course, like everything else now, it's a tasteless joke.

"I'll be the good history then." He smiled amiably.

* * *

**okay. any thoughts on this tandem? :) **


	21. Chapter 20 : Brussels Sprouts

I was cooking dinner when the phone rang. I was waiting for Nicholas to call tonight. He went off early apparently, coz it was a little early for him to call.

I turned to wipe my hands on the kitchen towel and checked on Thomas who was busy with his blocks in his playpen. He turned too when he heard it ringing so I hurried to answer it.

"Hello Nick?" I said grinning on the phone.

"Uh...No. It's Rob" His voice stilled my hands on my hair. Okay. This was unexpected.

"Oh.." I reacted "Sorry! I was expecting somebody else." I hurriedly apologized and realized It must have went off wrong.

"No. It's okay. Are you busy?" He asked.

"Well...no. Not much. Just cooking dinner." I admitted lamely. God I'm going to fumble this conversation.

"Dinner? That sounds nice." He replied wistfully.

"Uh...yeah. If you like brussels sprouts that is." It was an automatic response to a line like that.

"Hmm...brussel sprouts. I could do with some." He chuckled.

"No you don't. I distinctly remember you not liking them." I frowned to the mouthpiece. This guy is shitting me again. I remember him turning down that specific dish I prepared once or twice.

"You remember." He answered softly.

I paused. What is he doing making polite conversation? I sighed. I've sighed a lot lately. I took a deep breath and waged on.

"Of course. Can I help you with something?" I cleared my voice just to make sure he heard my question clearly.

He laughed.

"Can't a guy call an old friend without needing anything?" He asked.

He's being playful now? I'm done. Easy for him coz he's so detached.

"Rob..." I called out. His name sounded weird on my lips. I haven't said it for a long time since I chose not to anymore. "Be serious. What is it?"

"I talked to Katy and her project managers for you. They're willing to work around your schedule." Rob explained.

"That's great. Although I've been thinking of...backing out." I said. It's better to tell him already so they don't have to wait for her.

"No" He said. "We could work out an easy schedule. We'll cut down your working hours, we can hire nannies and babysitters if you like" He continued insisting and my mind keeps forming walls to fight off any convincing excuse.

"Rob I'm sorry for wasting your time. I can't go through with it." I admitted frowning. Why does my heart feel so confined? Damn him.

"Wait. Listen, If we get..."

"Shit!" I interrupted him when I smelled the food burning on the stove. I clutched the phone to my ear then ran to uncover it and accidentally burned myself, dropping the cordless on the floor. Distraction is my worst enemy.

"Fuuuuuuuu..." I almost screamed. I looked to Thomas who was hanging onto his pen looking at me. "I mean fudge baby, fudge." I salvaged the curse.

I stop and clutched my right wrist making sure my burned palm and fingers don't get in contact with anything. Stupid for forgetting the mitten. I slowly let go of my hand then picked up the phone and checking if Rob was still there.

"Rob?" I checked while running cool tap water on the affected area.

"What happened?! Are you alright?" His panicked voiced hit me in the gut, pain was more sharp when somebody else is concerned.

"No it's okay. I just burned myself." I explained hurriedly and slowly turned off the stove, careful to use the good hand only. Goodbye Brussel burned sprouts.

Grimacing, I turned to Thomas who was crying now and wanted out. His face crumpled when he saw me distressed and almost screaming a while ago.

"Rob I have to go..." I said while I hurried to Thomas and still clutching the phone to my ear.

"Are you alright? Is it bad?" He was still there on the other end when I lifted Thomas in my arms and practically hissed loud and clear when I had to clutch the baby steady.

"I have to go! I'll get in touch soon." I didn't even wait for him to repsond before I turned it off.

* * *

I was applying toothpaste on my wound when the doorbell rang. I just got off the phone with Nick and he didn't like me alone at home after finding out about the incident.

Thomas was still up and he didn't like being ignored. He was sitting up in his crib mouth down eyes watery.

"Honey, it's already late and Mommy's hurt" I explained hoping it would suffice.

It didn't, it only made him bawl louder.

The doorbell rang again so I glanced out the window only to see a black car in the curb. Nobody called.

I carefully picked up the baby and clutched him tighter to me with my left hand. My right hand was still un-bandaged. I'll probably manage it later after all the fuss died down.

I walked barefoot to the foyer and peeked in the peephole.

"Rob! What are you doing here?!" I exclaimed, still reeling from the surprise. I was fumbling clumsily with the double door locks with my right hand, grimacing the entire time from the pain.

"Are you okay?!" He said as soon as I opened the main door. He grasped my shoulders turning me about checking me from head to toe.

"Ow! Slowly!" I scolded as he accidentally brushed his hands on my right hand.

"Sorry!" He aplogized. "I can't help but check on you. You sounded in trouble when we were on the phone and you wouldn't explain further!"

I glared at him. Thomas was staring at him the entire time then giggled, clearly amused by the grown man in full-blown panic.

"I'm okay. It's just a little burn" I said.

I suddenly hissed loudly from the painful contact when Thomas pitched forward to Rob, I automatically clutched him with both arms hurting myself again in the process.

"Thomas!" I struggled then found my arms free of him. Rob had reached out and settled the baby in his arms like a pro.

"I don't think you're okay. You could barely use your dominant hand, and a fussing baby won't help" He said while he walked to the family area leaving me to stare after them.

My heart constricted in my chest again. Any more of this drama and it'll just fail me soon enough.


	22. Chapter 21 : First Kiss

August 2014 , Japan

"Sorry about earlier" Nicholas spoke right beside me.

"What about earlier?" I asked not really knowing what he was referring to, or maybe denying it to myself.

We were sitting right beside each other on the garden bench of the hotel, smoking again. The stars were not that bright tonight in Tokyo.

"For not doing the kiss right...I didn't even know what's wrong with it" He chuckled to himself. Then continued puffing on his cig without looking at me.

I shrugged. "It was me probably. I wasn't very cooperative"

It took us 25 takes to get that first kiss done, but still Drake wants to do a retake. He was disappointed on our lack of 'enthusiasm'.

Nicholas turned on the bench to face me. I glanced at him waiting for whatever he was going to say.

"Would it be okay for you if we try it again now?" He asked.

I scrutinized him. I know about preparing props for a shoot, but I rarely practice kissing except where to turn my head and the likes.

"Are you serious?" I laughed.

He smiled then took the cigarettes from my fingers then stubbed it at the nearby cannister.

"Yes, I'm serious." He nodded, now facing me.

I stilled then looked around. We were alone. Should we be alone or would it be safer if somebody's there to keep us emotionally grounded, like on the set? I looked at him again. He was raising his eyebrows at me waiting for my response.

He was nothing but a gentleman all this time. Is this his way of coming onto me or am I reading this all wrong again?

"Kristen...is it okay?" He asked again, now serious.

"Umm...can you give me a reasonable explanation how something like this would prepare us tomorrow? Except probably stir that ridiculous rumour about us..." I struggled to get the words out.

"The fact you're having second thoughts on kissing me on a very platonic reason tonight is enough to tell me you feel uncomfortable doing it with me." He sighed.

"God no! It's okay! You're very attractive. I'm just...not right in the head" I admitted. I never said that before, but it's probably true.

I never had trouble kissing my leading men before, except Rob. That audition kept me awake for days on afterwards.

It was so disturbingly beautiful I tried to keep my emotions down for fear of it showing. We all know how it all turned out.

Now this, this is the exact same feeling.

I looked at Nicholas who already look defeated. I can't do this to him, he's just being nice.

"Nich..." I reached out to him, my hands on his shoulders. I sighed then calmly turned trying to think of a way how to start this.

I was looking down at our crossed legs on the bench when I felt his hands on my chin. He lifted my face to make me look at him. Hairs on my skin stood on end, as if they were waiting to be kissed too. I closed my eyes coz I can't bear to look at him in the eyes.

"Don't do that" He whispered. "Look at me."

I did. Is this his way of letting me understand who I'm kissing?

Before I could form a coherent answer he leaned down. I felt his lips on my cheeks instead, it was a soft chaste kiss. Then he kissed me again on the other side while his fingers splayed on my face, his thumb touching my lower lip. I opened my mouth instinctively, then he went straight for it.

He kissed me for the first time beyond the camera lenses. I was paralyzed at the feeling. It was so long since I felt this way. I was always a weak creature, slave to my own body.

He shaped his mouth to mine, searching, searching for a response. This did not feel platonic at all. I let him, I'm beginning to lose myself now. I dragged my hands up to his shoulders while I felt his other hand on my waist bringing me closer to him.

It felt wonderful, I kissed him back, hesitant, but he coaxed me like a devil. I was helpless. Our tongues danced on their own will and we started to sweat.

We kept going on like that when suddenly a flash went off and we both bolted out of each others arms keeping maximum distance. We looked around, guilty for what we just did.

I don't know why I felt guilty, he probably isn't coz we're both single. But the fear of the papz went straight to my head and I almost started panicking again until I felt him steady me and stopping me from leaving.

"Wait! It's just lightning! Don't worry!" He said.

Then another flash went off and I realized what he said was true. I was so scared for a moment I was still unable to speak. I started to open my mouth but nothing came out.

Nicholas smiled, and hugged me to him now that we were standing.

"It's okay." He said again while rubbing my back. "Let's call it a night, it's gonna rain anytime soon."

I just nodded and let him lead me back to the hotel.

I was quiet the entire time he walked me back to my room.

I didn't know what to say.

When I reached out to tap my room card on the door he stopped me by placing his hand on my arm.

"Before you go, I just want you to know that I don't think we have any problems with that kissing thing" He smiled then laughed when I smiled back.

"Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for the company" I hurriedly said.

"Wait." He said before I closed the door. He suddenly leaned in to kiss my forehead. I froze on the spot again. "Okay you can close the door now" He waved.

I remember closing the door. I remember waving goodnight. I remembered reeling from that kiss in the garden, but what I remember the most was the sudden emptiness I felt with that forehead kiss.

Coz that forehead kiss will forever belong to someone else...


	23. Chapter 22 : Third time's the charm

**CALABASAS, Present day**

"Biscuits for dinner?" Rob looked at me questioningly.

I went in after him and Thomas after that foyer drama we had going.

The first thing he saw was the mess that was my kitchen before. There was the burnt food on the kitchen sink. The other utensils were strewn all over the granite counter. Cleaning wasn't advisable when you have a screaming baby and a burnt hand.

I just looked at Rob. No, I won't give him an answer unless he explains to me what he was doing here.

He looked back after scrutinizing every single nook and cranny of his surroundings.

"What happened here?" he asked.

I want to pull my hair in frustration. I went to them instead and started to take Thomas from his hands.

They both refused.

"Calm down. I can take care of him. Have you tended to your wound already?" he asked. Without waiting for a reply, he reached out for my right hand then turned it over to check. I tried to pull it out of his reach but it was too painful to even try.

"It's superficial. Nothing to worry about. What is this? Pepsodent?" he raised my palm and brought it closer to smell.

I nod. He smiled and dropped my hand.

"Why are you so quiet?" he asked jokingly.

"I...uh...I'm just..." I sighed. "I don't know"

"Go ahead and rest for a while. I'll take care of this" He said.

Robert taking care of housework? It was difficult to imagine when she used to remember that he rarely does anything that much when they were together.

Though I was so tired, I'd take any help I can get, even from him.

I decided Thomas is fine in his hands so I walked to the family room and sat on the couch. I sat and thought about nothing at all. I don't want to think. I'm exhausted and honestly I was glad to have a minute reprieve. So I laid back my head and closed my eyes.

For a moment it was blissful silence.

"Mama..." Thomas' voice floated in my mind. I blinked awake, somehow I managed to fall asleep on the couch.

"Stay still" I flinched then realized Rob was kneeling in front of me, holding my injured hand.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled.

"It's Flammazine. I bought it on the way here. Just in case you didn't have any." He said as he spread some of the substance on my palm. I felt the cooling effect instantly and sighed, closing my eyes, leaving him to his ministrations.

"wooki..." Thomas blurted right next to me.

He was there right by my side on the couch observing me and Rob and had a cookie in his hand.

"Yes honey...Cookie" I said smiling at him. At least he isn't cranky anymore.

"Wooki...wooki!" He said again making both of us laugh.

"Sorry. I didn't know what to feed him. Can't find his milk bottle" Rob was still applying it slowly, coating every single space even in between the fingers.

With that though in mind, I felt myself color. Then I started to feel the heat travelling from the points of the finger he is now slowly caressing to every salient point of my body.

"Rob...stop" I almost gasped when he ran the tip of his finger from my wrist down, still with the guise of applying the medicine.

He may not feel anything, but I was always a puddle in his hands. Apparently, until now.

"Just a little more" He continued.

"No stop it. It's fine" I pulled and cradled my hand, earning a serious look from him. "Thanks" He did help though.

He got up to wash his hands, leaving me and Thomas at the couch. I looked at my son, he was too busy playing with his food. Does he even know what's happening right now? How foolish his mother can be?

Shit. That's one hell of a vacuuming I need to do this weekend. Thomas managed to spread the cookie crumbs all over the couch already.

Rob returned just in time to get him off the couch and into his arms. "Let's go eat" he said to me.

"Where?"I asked confused.

"In your kitchen, where else?" He grinned.

"There's food?" I trailed after them again.

When I got there, the granite counter was cleared. The sink was free of the dirty pots and dishes. Coffee was brewing, and yes, there was food on the center island.

"How?"I asked surprised.

"Haven't you ever wondered what I was doing the past year?" He smiled to himself.

"Making movies? Partying?" That was more believable.

"I get lots of free time. . .and I don't party that much anymore." He said quietly. He looked thoughtful now. Did I invoke a memory?

"Of course." I mumbled. I didn't want to offend him after the effort he did to help me today.

There was a plate of pan-fried Dory on the counter and sliced garlic bread on the sides. The white Pinot noir she had on the fridge was also out. This was surprising. It wasn't much, but it was something.

"Wow...how did you...never mind" I sat down at the high stool he set out. He sat across with Thomas in a high chair beside him, busy with another cookie.

"I found the fish in the freezer, it's the quickest I can come up with" He shrugged.

I glanced at him. Was this really Rob?

"Go on eat...you're losing weight again" He ordered with a smile.

"What? No I'm not...and you only saw me the other day" I reasoned out while carefully slicing the fish then brought it to my mouth.

Lemon! I could only stop myself from moaning. I didn't realize I was this hungry for a proper meal I didn't cook. I surreptitiously looked at him. He was busy making faces at Thomas who wouldn't stop giggling.

"Rob...stop it. It's gonna be really hard to get him to sleep and it's already past his bed time" I said between mouthfuls.

"Your mommy's mad at me Thomas" He joked. I glared to warn him to heed.

I still can't get my head around the fact that he's back again in my life, in my kitchen playing with Thomas no less. How? How do things like this happen?

After I finished eating I set aside the dishes and carried them over to the sink. Rob was fast on my heels and stopped me before I washed them.

"Leave it there, it's fine. I'll finish it for you." He said while taking the plate from my good hand and turning me away from it.

The feel of his hands on my shoulders again keeps bringing back memories I thought I've already buried. There's a limit to something, and I think I've reached one tonight.

I faced him ready to confront but was stopped by the sight of Thomas in his arms again. I forgot I have a child now, things we used to quarrel about shouldn't be brought up anymore. Maybe I was reading too much on the kindness he has shown tonight. Maybe it really was friendly concern and he wanted to help. I was overreacting.

God. I'm so confused.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah...umm. Rob? Thanks again for tonight, you really didn't have to. Especially dinner and the medicine. I needed that." I said looking down, ashamed of what crossed my mind previously.

He was thoughtful again. It took him a little while before he answered.

"It's nothing. I was worried and didn't think twice. Do you want to sleep now? I can try putting Thomas to sleep for you." He said with a shrug and a partly confused expression. He's probably thinking of a way how to put a baby to sleep for the first time.

I laughed.

"I would love to see that happen. Though not tonight, we're both tired and you don't need the added burden" I said.

He looked hesitant.

"Kristen, how are you gonna manage with an injured hand? The pain's gonna subside by tomorrow but tonight you need help" He insisted.

I've asked myself the same question over dinner. Thomas needs to be lulled to sleep in my arms. He rarely does if I just placed him in his crib awake.

"I don't have any alternative" I sighed and reached out my hands for the baby. He didn't hesitate and went willingly.

"Is it okay if I check up on you tomorrow? Maybe then we can talk about that music video." He asked politely.

It's late and my emotions are all jumbled. His are probably just fine. He has effortlessly let go of me for the past year and I'm not surprised he isn't at all affected by anything anymore.

I just nodded to his suggestion. Like before, we could try being friends again, maybe. I don't know where this will go. The first one didn't end quite so well. The second one was equally heart breaking. This third one...it could be the charm.

"Thanks...you guys can go up now. I'll finish this and let myself out" He said turning abruptly and started cleaning up.

It seems he has shut us out so soon, I turned with Thomas in my arms, making our way up to his room.

There was something missing. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I know there's something I missed.

It was then when I heard his car rumbled out of the drive that I realized he forgot to kiss me goodnight. He hasn't kissed me goodnight since forever. Years have passed already, but tonight my fragile heart expected it as if it was routine.

I curled up in my bed again,trying to think the event of the nights through.

It was very kind of him. She was thankful to see that playful and smiling Rob again. She missed him. She missed him a lot.


	24. Chapter 23 : Sushi Dates

**August 2014, Japan**

"Okay, that's a wrap for tonight" the Director called.

I made my way out of the set to my dressing room, accepting a bottle of water from an assistant before I patiently let them help me change out of my suit.

"Everybody's going out tonight for sushi. You should come." My assistant smiled at me at the mirror. They have been really nice the entire time and I always enjoyed spending time with them.

"Thanks. Not tonight though..." I smiled back politely then stood up to pick my things. I was ready to hightail out of here then closet myself in my hotel room.

I've been high spirits of late, Nicholas and Guy and the other workmates were all for the partying and nights out here and I wasn't the kind who would easily back out. Although the other night we went downtown for dinner and to my surprise, I realized I wasn't new there.

* * *

"What is this?" I smiled asking him.

"It's our first sushi date" He smiled back while guiding me to a private alcove he reserved.

"What? There's such a thing?"I laughed. Rob and I have been busy lately. It's been months since we saw each other, Twilight promo Japan was a welcome vacation for me and him and Taylor too.

"Well your boyfriend's gonna kill me if I take you out in LA" he made a choking sign. He was always joking about Michael going after him. We all know Rob was just being playful, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

"Yeah right" I smirked. So he still was going to persist with this joke of going after me.

"well...a Sushi date is something if we do it in Japan" He nods, then winked at me. "Come on just humour me" he added.

I looked around the cozy resto and realize we're the only ones in our group. "You didn't invite anybody else?"

"It's a date! They're not welcome." He insisted then assisted me to my seat.

"Really...okay. I'll pretend tonight" I said jokingly, then proceeded to wink at him back.

He didn't smile though, it took him a little while before he answered back with a shrug.

"You can pretend forever. That'll be awesome."

* * *

"Whoa...it looks really cozy" Nicholas' voice broke through my thoughts. Suddenly I was hyper aware of my surroundings. It is the place where he brought her 5 years ago. Fate was really playing a joke on her.

She was still standing there on the entrance looking around while the others already proceeded to their table.

"Isn't there any other restaurant around here?" she mumbled to Nicholas who went back for her.

"Oh. There are some. Although Guy said somebody recommended it to him" Nicholas answered cheerfully while sitting us.

"Yeah! He said it's a place I shouldn't miss. He used to go here too. Lots of memories" Guy added to the conversation. I tried to look him in the eye, but he was busy looking around.

He can't be serious. He probably knew what he was doing. I sighed. There's no use regretting things, maybe it hurts to remember him all the time but in the end it would be the exact thing to help her let go.

* * *

I was sitting on the terrace smoking and feeling melancholy when I heard a knock on my door. It was already 10 in the evening and it probably isn't room service.

There goes my alone time. I wipe my wet eyes with the back of my hand then proceeded to check who it was, they were all out tonight so I was a little hesitant. I peeped and was surprised to find Nicholas standing outside my hotel door.

"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be out?" I asked.

"Are you okay?" He went in as soon as I opened the door.

"No. It's just the smoke" I proceeded to sniff hiding my earlier distress. I didn't really feel like sharing my woes even to some friends.

He raised his eyebrows questioningly, suddenly I find myself in his arms.

"Nicholas..." I mumbled. I didn't fight him because he was holding on to me tight. So I just buried my face in his shirt and proceeded to sniffle quietly, thankful for a momentary comfort.

"It's okay." He whispered to my hair.

"I'm an idiot" I gasped out.

"No you're not. You're amazing" He countered.

I sobbed loudly now. He probably doesn't understand what's happening to me, and words like those might just be a lucky throw, but it was nice to hear. I wasn't able to stop the sob that tore through me. I try my best to stop the overflowing of emotions but my silent tears betrayed me.

"What?" He asked worriedly.

"He said the exact same thing" I whispered, then I shoved out of his arms then turned my back to return to the terrace, needing the space and orienting myself back to reality.

"Sorry..." I heard dejection in his voice. It's not his fault. He's just being nice.

"I'm sorry too...you shouldn't see me like this" I explained to him. I really wanted him to know that I appreciate his friendship, but I was just too broken to be reasonable at times. "I'm still suffering from something...I don't know if you know"

"Yes I know...this may not help but I think I'm going through the same thing with someone else" he explained. "It helps if you don't let it rule you...and being weak is okay sometimes if you can't help it"

I just nodded to him. I sat in the terrace couch and he cautiously sat beside me gauging my reaction. There was none, I was hungry for company, and a little part of me was glad that he was here.

"Don't you just hate it when your emotions get the best of you sometimes?" I asked no one in particular.

"Yes...But sometimes it's good too. It's also the same thing when you fall in love with somebody new" he quietly answered.

It seems like we were sharing a lot of thoughts for the past few weeks, me and him. It felt good to share it with somebody, but it was painful too if you realize he wasn't exactly the person you wanted to share it with. The person you crave for happens to be lost to you already.

With that thought again I grimaced, I wanted to cry loudly and tear everything apart but I can't coz I was supposed to be done with that. I was supposed to...months ago...but apparently I'm not.

Then I felt his hand on my shoulder turning me to him. I just let myself go then, it helps to cry anyway.

"Just one last time...then I promise not to burden you with my tears anymore"I whispered to him.

Then I let my heart out to him the whole night. We were there on the terrace till the wee hours of the morning, until I fell asleep with my heart a little lighter, in the arms of another man.


	25. Chapter 24 : In-N-Out

"You're early" I said to Rob who came in through the kitchen door carrying a bag of groceries with him, I stopped my heart from reacting.

"Good morning" He greeted me with a smile he uses to melt the hearts of a million of his fans. It's annoying how effective it is even to my hardened one.

"When you said 'check-up' I though you meant a call" I complained to him as I expertly mash Thomas' squash with one hand, silently suffocating the excited reaction I have to his presence.

"I'm sorry I didn't call" he hurriedly say as he stood right beside me by the counter slowly taking out the things he bought.

I stopped and took in his actions. "What are those?"

"It's nothing..." He answered while still continuing taking out bags of fresh produce, cold cuts, even baby food.

"Those are not nothing." I insisted. "Put it back."

"No chance." He ignored me.

"Rob!" I tried his attention.

"Rob!"

We both turned surprised at Thomas who was in his high chair.

"Whoa!" Rob laughed and approached Thomas who probably was clueless on the excitement he stirred.

"Goo...goo..blob" He baby talked now, happy he captured somebody's attention.

"Say my name again Thomas" Rob teased. Thomas just giggled at him.

"He mimics...get over it" I haughtily claimed.

Rob just sighed and went over to me again.

"Somebody didn't sleep well" He claimed, eyeing and figuring me out.

He used to do that a lot, and as far as figuring me out goes, he's the best one of them all.

I can't explain while I'm feeling a little snappish. He has only been back for a few days and already his falling back into that signature possessive control he used to have over me. I love it of course, but it has proved dangerous over and over again.

Shit happens and he takes control. I have always been lousy when it comes to smoothing things over, he was the expert and I was putty in his hands.

It was great for our relationship to have direction, but when he gave up, I was a goner. I drowned just like that, struggling to break through the surface of my misery.

Now he's back again, and I'm cowering. I have to hold on to whatever lifeline I have. Somehow being snappy is all I can come up with in short notice.

"I'm fine, you're being too concerned." I replied not looking him in the eye.

Judging that I already have over-mashed the squash I went to sit in front of Thomas and settled the plastic bowl and matching spoon in front of him. He just started to learn how to hold the spoon and get food in his mouth and needs little guidance.

"Now that Thomas is busy eating will you be able to eat breakfast with me now?" He asked as he took out some take-out boxes from another bag.

I was dumbfounded. Dinner last night and now breakfast.

"Wait...slow down" I said. He stopped in the middle of arranging it on the center island. "What is going on?"

"We're eating breakfast and we'll talk about the music video" He answered innocently.

I looked at it in another perspective and realized that it could be harmless and I'm just over reacting. Besides, I wasn't able to cook breakfast for myself and I was hungry from the aroma I recognized already.

"In and out burger for breakfast?" I stared at him. Trust Rob to feed us junk food if he gets to choose the meal.

"Better than nothing...and it used to be your favorite too" He smiled and set one in front of me.

We ate silently at first, and so did Thomas who was too preoccupied with his food.

We discussed the weather, the words Thomas knew already. We parried jokes and even shared a few laughs. He asked me about new places in LA. We even shared news about my family, his family and even talked about Cole.

Cole led to Bear and Bernie, so we stopped talking.

We know where that will lead afterwards.

"Can you at least consider the music video please?" He said after we finished eating and cleaned the counter.

"Yes, I promise" I said and meaning it.

He turned to walk out of the door but turned back.

"Yeah?" I asked wondering if he forgot something.

He closed the space and my breath held. He settled his hand on on my back pulled me closer. Surprise of all surprises, I got a kiss on the forehead.

"I'll be expecting you on the contract signing." He said with a smile and left.


	26. Chapter 25 : Sleepless

I was gnawing at my nails again, thinking things through. I just finished a call with Nicholas and it didn't even help.

Am I seriously gonna go through this? What's a couple of weeks anyway? Besides, it was a music video so it'll hardly require any intense scenes. What am I so afraid of anyway?

I asked Nick for his opinion and I was expecting him to be a little more possessive. He wasn't, he's probably gonna give me up to Rob with no qualms.

I frowned. Nicholas Caradoc Hoult! I'm gonna kill you once you get home I swear. He actually found it funny that Rob was in on convincing me already. We both expected Rob to be the one more hesitant in all of this.

I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror.

I stared at my weary 27-year-old face. There were new freckles from the strolls I've been doing with Thomas. My eyebags are a little darker from the sleep I've been missing. My hair is just...meh. Is that a wrinkle?! I gasped and leaned closer to the mirror. Shit. I grabbed my cream and furiously started applying some on my face.

For a moment there I slowed down again. What am I doing? It's not as if he's going to care about how I look. Rob has a better reason not to like me anymore.

My heart clenched and I cringed reacting to the sudden chest pain.

I seriously need to reestablish my priorities. I'm acting like a teenager turned down by the highschool jock. For godsakes I'm a mother already.

I glanced at the wall clock. 12:30am. It's already morning. The contract signing's going to be tomorrow. I'm going to see him again tomorrow.

With a sudden burst of energy, I hastily neaten my dresser then went through my closet to scan for a probable outfit tomorrow.

Nothing new. Damn it.

To hell with it. I almost cursed, I've been curbing my mouth since Thomas came. Seriously I need to get a grip.

For the last time Kristen! It's nothing but a meeting! I keep telling myself, that in mind I settled down to sleep and prayed and prayed that I'm doing the right thing.

* * *

(Rob POV)

It's 12:30 am already and I'm still wide awake staring at my hotel room ceiling again. I've been in LA for a week already and pictures have been circulating in the mags too. Nick my agent is back so I can breathe again, but I already lost the desire to berate him for everything I wanted to before. I actually forgot why I was angry at him.

All I can think about these days is her. That is no surprise. She always consumes my thoughts. I remember being so hostile with the thought of seeing her again, dreading how it will all go. Little did I expect the reaction she brought, it was...wonderful, I guess.

It was the first time he actually interacted with her in her element as a new mom. She was everything he imagined her to be, and better. Like everyone else she still is a little panicky, but Kristen panicky was always funny to him. He was surprised to see how willing she was to stay at home even without help for a few days. Babies take up a lot of time and coupled with house chores, it was a handful. She was amazing. He always knew she was going to be a great mom...and a wonderful wife.

He sighed, catching the direction of his thoughts. He couldn't think of her that way.

He couldn't. He just couldn't. He forced himself to sleep and bury any wayward thoughts of her. He tried really.


	27. Chapter 26 : Spontaneous Combustion

**September 2015, Los Angeles**

"Okay. No problem. I'll be there early tomorrow then..." I nodded to an agent who was in charge of all the promos we have for Equals.

We were done for today and she was reminding me of an invitation for tomorrow night. With that understood, I hastily picked up my backpack on a nearby chair and hurriedly made my way out of the conference room. I was waiting for Ruth's message to pick me up. She had to go somewhere and said she'll be back for me, although I was earlier than expected.

I sighed. I'll wait for her in front of the building. She probably got my message already.

As I made my way to the front exit of the building It started to rain. Grabbing my backpack I realized I didn't have an umbrella with me. I glanced around for a bell boy but he was too busy assisting an old lady, so I huddled to the corner where the building's entrance tent still can protect me from the sudden downpour.

_Flash Flash_

I flinched. Was that lightning?

"Kristen! Over here!"

_Flash Flash_

I glanced to my right and found not one but five cameras trained on me. Fucking Papz. They were coming from the corner of the building and has blocked my entrance.

They came in suddenly I got distracted, I didn't even think of going back to the building. I just needed to get further away. So I ran to the other side of the curb, in the pouring rain, away from the papz.

"Kristen!"

_Flash Flash_

"Kristen!"

I ran and ran as fast as my legs and soggy jeans can take me. I'll just text Ruth if I get to somewhere dry, I told myself. I just need to get away.

I looked back and found that they stopped their pursuit.

"Kristen!"

Shit. I ran to the other street corner now more determined to lose who it was. As I glanced to the side I realize it was already a car that was pursuing me.

A car with its windows down. I slowed down, panting from the exhaustion. I checked to see noticing no camera flashes. It was difficult to see clearly who it was in the heavy rain.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" The voice shouted over the noisy downpour as it slowed down right beside me.

I recognized it.

"Nicholas?" I shouted back.

"Yes Nicholas! Get in!" He countered. The passenger door then opened as he reached for it. I still hesitated, looking right and left checking if those bastards were still hot on me. Nope, I was clear.

"I'll get it all wet!" I shouted. I'm drenched from head to toe and his friendship might not include expensive customized leather seat covers.

"I don't care! Get in or you'll catch your death!" He glared at me.

I didn't even hesitate. I jumped right in, then cringing from the feel of the dripping water all over the car's interior as I sat down.

"I'm so sorry!" I mumbled as I try to not move and minimize the disaster zone I created.

"What the hell were you doing running a marathon in this weather? And aren't you supposed to have somebody with you?" He asked as he backed out of the street and made his way to the main road.

"Ruth was supposed to pick me up, probably got waylaid and the fucking papz were after me!" I clenched my chattering teeth. Freezing, damn it.

He was silent so I looked to him. He slowed down and adjusted the heater on his car. I was thankful for the sudden warmth and couldn't stop an escaping sigh.

"I think I'm taking you home with me." He said decidedly.

"What?" I gasped out as I processed his last statement.

"Tell Ruth to pick you up in my place"

That was all he said as he drove us to his rented place in LA.

* * *

"Here..." He handed me a pair of trainers for me to change in, out of my wet clothes.

It's the first time I've been to Nic's house since meeting him. We've gotten really close, especially during shooting. He after all knows so much about me already, including some well guarded secrets I unintentionally blurted out in my emotional days.

Though the rumor mill kept insisting that we hooked up then, it wasn't true. I was still too battered. Nic was too silent about anything. They gave up on it eventually when filming was done and they got nothing from us. We went back to our other film productions afterwards. It's only now during promotion we were able to see each other again. We've been at it since June.

We kept in touch though. Pouring your heart out to somebody might mean nothing to other people, but for someone who rarely does, it's my stamp of trust.

We didn't get to see much of each other, but he calls to check up and ask how I was doing and sometimes I return the courtesy. He was a true friend. He was like Taylor in a way. A new friend I accidentally earned.

He boosted up my confidence and returned what little faith I lost during that year. Laughing does that to you. A good laugh to be precise. I always smile if I remember him. He was heaven-sent during those days.

"I hope you like hot chocolate. I ran out of coffee" He said from the kitchen. I went out of the bathroom feeling a little silly. His shorts were way too baggy.

The t-shirt I have to tie, which wasn't new for me. I groaned. Trust me to remember someone else in moments like this, his forever crinkled shirt that he jokingly blames on my knot-tying.

"It's fine" I said as I approached the kitchen.

He looked back and paused as he saw me. "Wow...I didn't expect you to look so..."

"So what...?" I continued frowning. I'm gonna give him an ass kicking if he makes fun of this. Good Samaritan my ass.

"pretty..." he whispered with a smile.

I stuck out my tongue at him ignoring his compliment or his jibe. I settled down at the table and waited to be serve with hot chocolate.

"Careful...it's hot." He slowly placed a steaming mug in front of me.

"That's how i like my hot chocolate...hot" I bantered and shake my head while blowing on its surface.

He laughed and settled with his across from me.

"You should have told me back at the presscon to take you home." He lectured. We were together earlier for an interview. It was only a small face to face so we didn't need any security and what-nots, we get called in at least once a week for magazine or radio related press for the ongoing promo for the movie. It was standard operating procedure, but this was totally unexpected.

"and what? miss this yummy hot chocolate?" I teased and proceeded to take a careful sip.

"hmm...I admit I like seeing you here in my house, in my clothes and drinking my cocoa" He said with a sly smile.

I almost choked.

I coughed a little as I thought of a witty comeback and ended up with none, so I just stared at him incredulously then burst laughing.

"Those women, your fans, will sell their own soul to be in my place right now and hear that line" I shake my head trying to get over the laughter.

He was calmly sitting there in front of me, still busy sipping, still busy staring...at me.

"What are you doing? Stop staring!" I scolded. If I can reach him underneath he would have gotten a good kick in the shin again.

"You're very lovely. As payment to services rendered, I would prefer to stare at you as long as I like" He just continued to smile. Then he winked.

For a moment I faltered and caught my mouth hanging open.

"What the fuck..." I mumbled to myself. Then glared at him. "Stop it!" I said in between laughter. I don't know what he's up to. Apparently, he likes to play jokes today and I'm his current victim. His passive-aggressive approach to flirting with me has gone on since I can remember.

I felt myself blush unintentionally and noted the surprise look on his face.

"God! This is embarrassing. I know you're joking and I actually don't have a fucking clue why I'm so flustered." I said to him as I took a deep breath then proceeded to put the mug in the dishwasher. Enough of jokes. Ruth is taking a long time to get here.

As I closed the dishwasher I felt him stood up and stand behind me. He reached for the handle grazing my hand and then secured his own mug also. We stood there in front of the dishwasher my hands in his and I think I just felt my heart migrate to my throat.

"Kristen..." He whispered. He was so close behind me I actually felt his breath on my neck.

I cleared my throat and slowly turned around, careful not to trap myself accidentally in his arms.

Too late. I already am.

"I've been meaning to tell you something..." he started.

I gulped. I'm too distracted. His right hand snaked to my back while his left started to gesticulate then pause then gesticulate again, as if not knowing where to pour out this current nervous energy.

"You keep telling me I'm being nice..." He explained. All I could ever do is nod coz I think I know where he's going with this, at the same time my body won't coöperate. It's acting like a high schooler with her crush. I'm suddenly hyper sensitive.

"I'm not..." He said with all sincerity.

"What?"I asked confused.

"Listen...I.." He smiled softly then proceeded to tuck a stray hair from my face. "I like you. I like you very much"

There it goes. I took a deep breath then welcomed the floating feeling that accompanied that confession.

"Like..." I whispered. I was trying to get him to explain further even if I knew what he means already. Just to be sure I know what we're getting into.

"Like as in I want to be with you." He said with a laugh. He then swooped in for a kiss on my cheek.

He looked at me hesitantly, but I didn't protest, so he settled his lips over mine and promptly swept me off my feet.

Chemistry. That's what they say what we had. That and also, contained sexual attraction. There was no denying that. The tension was always there. We were really good friends so I don't know where this is going. All I know is that I'm done being lonely.

Physically, we did combust. Emotionally, I don't want to go there yet.

* * *

Thanks for all your lovely comments! It took me a while. I've been combusting, myself the entire day yesterday.

Those ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGES! I woke up to ROB's yummy wet white tshirt and almost missed KRISTEN and NIC'S when I was about to sleep. That woke me up.

all I can say is... Thank you Efron. Thank you Hatthaway. THANK YOU! BEST DAY EVER!

ROB...KRISTEN n NIC. (still can't get over this three)

I'm gonna fantasize away! Keep reading and dropping comments guys! :)


	28. Chapter 27 : White Linen

**September 2015, Los Angeles**

"Surprise of all surprises again. You came." Tom smiled at me.

My flight from London just arrived an hour ago and everybody thought I wasn't coming for this charity event honoring the Indie film making industry.

"Nick had quite a challenge retracting that RSVP" I informed him laughing while straightening my bow tie.

We went in the formal ballroom and looked for the assigned seats, I had mine switched so I can sit right next to Tom. There were so many people here of my acquaintance that it actually took us a few minutes to get to our table coz I had to give someone or somebody a polite greeting as expected.

"Robert! I didn't know you were coming!" A sulky female voice said behind us. I smiled recognizing it, of course.

"Juliette!"I hugged her to me after she gave me a kiss per cheek. "You're looking great!" I said, she did look stress free and extra glamorous tonight.

"Of course Darling! You look dashing yourself!" She said while she looped her hands to mine and accompanied both me and Tom to our seats. "This is wonderful, our table's just before you!" She exclaimed while pointing to a half occupied table in front of us.

"Don't worry, I'll be there sitting with you If you get bored" I winked, joking with her.

"I'll be expecting that." She smiled and gave me a kiss again and went to her assigned seat to chat with her companion.

"Juliette Binoche doesn't age..." Tom said right beside me. I laughed. It's been months since we saw each other, the last time was when they went home for the holidays in London and we get to have a few drinks at the local pub. His usual observant self always amuses me especially if we get to attend events together.

"I know right? I hope my next project with her comes through though, the last one didn't." He was supposed to work with her again after Cosmopolis but backed out a few months before pre-production. The movie was too dark for her and though he understood, he really did get disappointed when he found out. Of course, she did get to do a movie with Kris again. He smiled at that little inside joke how she stole all his favorite co-stars. If she was here she would probably have a good laugh if he reminded her.

He grimaced. Wayward thoughts.

"...know that you were probably informed. I just hope you don't flip out though" Tom was saying something beside me. I only caught the last part though so I nodded. People were getting seated and our table was filling in. I smiled at our companions as an acknowledgment. The lights were dimming already signaling people to settle down. I turned to Tom who was quiet and looking a little pensive in his seat.

"What were you saying again?"I asked confused.

He wasn't paying attention, but his gaze was trained in front of us. "Rob..." He whispered.

I stole a quick look to see what he's looking at, I did a double take.

I froze in my chair. There in the table in front of us smiling down at Juliette was no other than Kristen.

It was dark but I recognized her anyway. For a moment I thought my imagination conjured her when I was just thinking of her awhile ago. Nobody bothered to tell me she was going to be here, she probably thought I wasn't coming too.

God, How long has it been? Has it been more than a year already? It feels like ages since they last talked, but she looked at little different from he remembered. She looked happy and relaxed.

He was too busy to check news of her online, he doesn't bother like he used to anymore. The only news he gets would be from Tom and some other common friends.

She smiled and laughed at something somebody said. She was still standing. Was she seated somewhere else? She must be. She laughed again and now he can hear it clearly over the background noise and the ringing in his ears. God that laugh! His chest tightened and he didn't notice he was grasping his wine glass too tight already. It was dark but he can. clearly make out that signature crinkling of her eyes and the way her grin widens when she giggles. She ran her free hand on her shoulder, quickly relieving a crick in her neck. He remembers how she does that surreptitiously most of the time. That neck in her strapless gown. He gulped. He took in her appearance and felt the sudden weakening of his knees. God Kristen! He didn't notice he was breathing too fast to be noticed already.

"Rob shit! Are you having a stroke?!" Tom grumbled right beside me. Apparently he has called my attention quite a few times already but of course, I was distracted.

I let go of the wine glass, that thankfully didn't break. I looked down at the table, training my eyes anywhere but her vision.

Tom was already sighing right beside me. If we were anywhere but here he would be cursing me to hell already.

Who cares about Tom. I looked up, suddenly panicky coz I might lose sight of her. She was stil there standing oblivious to his presence. It was too dark she would never notice they were there unless Juliette told her.

"Kristen..." I froze. For a moment I thought it was Tom who called her attention. But it wasn't. It came from my other side at the aisle. Some guy was walking towards her, he probably just came in.

Kristen stopped talking and her face took in that animated smile she usually reserves for close friends and confidants.

The guy came forward and his height blocked his view of her. He leaned in to kiss Juliette. Probably some co-star, he was turned away so they'll never know who he is. Tom was saying 'shit shit shit' right beside me. I don't know what his problem is. As far as I can tell I was just fine.

Suddenly, the world went in slow motion as the guy turned away from Juliette and straightened to stand beside Kristen. His Kristen. He can clearly see how his other hand slowly went up and looped on Kris' waist to draw her closer to him. His Kristen. He went closer, leaned in closer then slowly bent down to..

I looked down. I looked down at the table cover and hurriedly tried to discern the pattern. There was no pattern. It was a fucking white linen. Fucking plain white linen. His Kristen. Fuck. Fuck his life. He tried to take in slow deep breaths and gathered his thoughts. Of course. It was Nicholas. He should have recognized him.

"Rob...I'm sorry mate" Tom was whispering right beside me.

White Linen. Why is it plain white? Don't they know how messy that is? It should have been black. The china would stand out better in black linen. It should have a pattern also. Patterns can distract someone's mind. That was more acceptable. He should have a word with the caterer and give him a piece of his mind.

Kristen. His Kristen.

God. I can't handle this. I think I'm going bat shit crazy.

I slowly stood up mindful of the stares I'm getting.

"Where are you going?" Tom asked.

"Smoke" I answered back then continued on to the exit to find a smoking section.

Fucking white linen.


	29. Chapter 28 : Conspiracies

I leaned in as Nicholas tried to get his joke along. We were both invited to a charity event tonight and it was our first night out officially, but we still went as separate guest. We both agreed it's better to keep it to ourselves first, especially considering the fact that we don't even know what we really are right now.

"That old guy is a class act. Trust me when I tell you he could convince the Kennedys to part with their millions." He whispered laughingly behind me.

I can't help but laugh again, we have exchanged a few already to draw attention to us in our table and the neighboring ones too. I turned and glared at him, still trying to stop myself from giggling and reach out to playfully punch him on the flank.

"Okay okay I'll stop" He said hands up. "Promise to spend the night with me though..." He continued with a sly smile.

I shake my head. I can't believe how persistent he can actually be. I smiled to myself. We thought it was just a one time thing. Well, I did, until he came over one day to the house with a bunch of Gardenias and a bottle of Merlot. He said if he can't convince me to spend more time with him he'll just ply me with alcohol and flowers.

"If you stop joking around I just might." I smiled at him then. Why not? It's not as if I'm committed to anything tonight, or the next day. I actually like spending time with him. It's just that I'm not really sure where this might lead to and I'm afraid of making another mistake.

He _grinned_ then straightened up in his chair, behaving like a good boy with a very good secret from then on.

It was in the middle of a speech of a benefactor when I received a text from Ruth. She was here also but sitting somewhere else with acquaintances.

_Ruth B.:_

_Kristen, we have to talk. *_

Odd. In the middle of dinner? I glanced to where she was supposed to be sitting but she wasn't there.

Kristen:

Where are you? Can we do it after? I don't really want to leave the table right now. *

I replied hoping it wasn't that important.

"What is it?" Nic asked after seeing the worried glances I've thrown over my shoulder.

"Nothing, it's just Ruth" I answered. I returned my attention to the speaker and decided that whatever it is, it can probably wait.

* * *

Rob was on his 4th Newport. He still doesn't have any plans returning inside. Maybe in a little while after he calms himself.

He knew there was a possibility of seeing her here in LA again after he comes back, he just didn't expect it was going to be tonight. Now, thinking about it he should have known she'd be here, knowing she was a darling of this certain industry.

He just didn't expect the reaction she can still draw from him. He also didn't expect that the rumor might be true.

"Rob?"

I turned surprised to another familiar voice. She was standing by the door and eyeing him from head to toe. He can clearly see her from his place while she was still trying to figure out if it was really him.

"Hello Ruth" I smiled and dropped my cig at the bin. I turned so she can see me in full light.

"Oh my god. It really is you. I thought they were joking."

I approached her and gave her a big hug even if she was still taking in my presence.

"Ruthie...I missed you" I said laughingly at her shocked expression.

"I know you were invited but..." She started. Her voice still adjusting to her current confused state.

"Yes. You didn't expect I'll actually come." I said. "Don't worry, It was a last-minute thing. I'm sorry I ruined your perfectly planned invitations." I continued to apologize.

If Kristen and I can attribute our evasion skills, it was to Ruth and Nick's perfect planning. Coming to festivals a day after the other one has left it, different state or city if we're in the same country, those are only one of their perfectly executed moves to help the two people who messed up their lives and have to live with it afterwards.

"No! What are you talking about? It's fine!" She reacted.

She looked at me again from head to toe and recognized the softening of her expression.

"Oh Robert. I really missed you too you know, I miss Nick also." She said with a sigh then proceeded to hug me to her.

"What the hell were you doing not even saying hi and hello once in a while?!" She complained hitting me playfully, then pinching my cheek.

I blushed. Trust Ruth to make me feel like an errant schoolboy.

"Things became so busy." I explained then saw the disappointed expression on her face. "I'm sorry that was a lousy thing to say" I sighed.

She sighed too. "Did they tell you she was gonna be here?" she asked concerned.

I shook my head, then looked down, I can't tolerate seeing that pitiful expression on her face. I just can't.

With that decided, I took a deep breath and finally looked up to smile at her. She was like a big sister to Kristen, I couldn't let her believe I'm still rooting for my ex.

"No, Nick forgot. It's fine. It's been what? Two years? It's nothing now." I laughed insincerely, then patted her on her shoulder. "I have to go back inside Ruth, Tom might wonder where I went" I kissed her on the cheek and started for the door.

"I'm so sorry Rob" she said to my retreating back and I just pretended I didn't hear it.

* * *

"He's here?" I gasped out.

Ruth nodded at me, she doesn't look that pleased. I can't believe I waited until all the speeches and pledges were done to talk to Ruth. She approached me in our table and practically dragged me to the nearest powder room.

"Are you okay?" She asked concerned.

I don't know if I was okay. I don't know anything right now. My mind was exploding with a thousand possibilities of how this night was going to end. Will he approach and say hi? What will he say? Will he feel the exact same way I'm feeling now?

"How would you think he's gonna react if he knows I'm here?" I asked with a hopeful expression.

Ruth turned, but not fast enough for me not to catch that painful look that she tried to mask.

"He already knows does he?" I asked quietly, looking down at my painted toes while my hopeful heart crumpled again. "He saw me and didn't even say hi" I grimaced.

"How could he when there's another guy dangling in your arm?" She asked and I can hear the accusation in her voice.

"You can't blame Nicholas...it's none of his business" I explained, no they can't blame him. He was just trying to be a good friend. Speaking of Nicholas, the thought of what I'm actually getting myself into seems more clear than ever.

Isn't it ironic how when you decide to move on about something, the world conspires to give you a throwback? A fucking throwback.

"I'm not blaming him" She said. "You're like a daughter or a sister to me, I'm just concerned about some decisions that you are making. But if he makes you happy and you are finally able to let go of the past then I couldn't be more happy for you. I just hopes he's the serious type." She said as she hugged me to her.

For a moment there I wanted to cry, but Ruth gave me an admonishing look to mind my make-up so I just smiled and hug her tightly back.

Once I composed myself she delivered the blow I didn't expect.

"He seems to be perfectly fine that you're here. Show him that you are too. It's about time you two share the same room without killing each other" She smirked. There was no questioning which side Ruth was on.


	30. Chapter 29 : Elusive Lover

I watch her walk in the ballroom. The party has just moved on to the main thoroughfare which are the presentations of various projects for everyone to look forward to. I saw Ruth taking her to the powder room earlier, probably to inform her of his presence, I figured she would have done it earlier if Kristen let her.

No. Kristen was too busy with that guy. He has been hearing rumours since last year when they were still shooting their movie, he didn't believe any of it. June this year came though, it was only then that he saw the possibility of it being true. Now, there's actual proof in the flesh for him to see.

He doesn't understand what she could possibly see in that other guy. As far as he can tell, that Hoult guy is a green boy compared to him.

When he came in after that encounter with Ruth, he has decided to face his demons head on. Now, he was actually getting used to the unwelcome feeling of observing Kristen with somebody. It's like cutting yourself open slowly to see how far you can tolerate the pain. Pain becomes a welcome feeling the longer you let yourself immerse in it. It's like how he sees her laugh for somebody else's joke. She laughs easily, that's no surprise, but their's just something wrong with it when it was for that guy. That guy he likes to...

"Rob. You're gonna burn a hole through his head if you keep looking at him like that." Tom mumbled beside me. I can hear the exasperation in his voice already.

"What are you talking about? I'm listening attentively." I automatically answered. My gaze unwavering.

"Yeah...and I'll sell Marlowe to the circus if there's any truth to what you're saying" He retorted.

That caught my attention. He grinned at me when I looked at him

"Just tell me if you couldn't take it anymore. I'll gladly take you home and buy you a year's supply of Heineken. Fuck your sanity, I'll just have to live with it." Tom said sarcastically.

After Tom told me to grin and bear it I reduced my obsession to them to surreptitious glances once in a while.

It was then I saw Ruth take her out for a talk. When she came back we were already scattered around the bigger ballroom mingling with different guests.

Well, look at what we have here, Kristen stumbled into the ballroom like a dazed puppy. There was no questioning what she knew now. Her eyes darted around the ballroom to my surprise. I quickly hid behind a large potted plant at the corner, trying to pretend I had to go and refill my champagne from the waiters at the side.

She was slowly going around, obviously searching for someone, searching for me.

Would she recognize me? Of course. I haven't changed a lot over the years look-wise, only a few close friends and family would claim the apparent hardening of my character. I see it as an advantage.

She was going around in circles, around the tables, around a group of directors, around a few of her acquaintances, ignoring them, still going, still searching, searching for a certain elusive person she hasn't seen for more than a year already.

From my vantage point, I can already see the growing distress in her face. She has managed to circulate the entire place and ended up near my corner.

My chest tightened. She wouldn't quit would she? She wouldn't quit until she sees me.

She was now a mere few steps from my place at the pillar, I managed to move a little further away to observe her clearly. She wouldn't be able to see me, her back was to me while she was trying to get a general view of the place.

She was mumbling something, she was ignoring the people who passed by to greet her, and they left her alone when they note her disinterest.

It was when the music started to quiet a bit that I can hear a part of what she was saying.

"Where are you...where are you..." She was mumbling to herself.

I'm here behind you. Turn around I'm just here.

Will my mind be able to compel her to turn and see me? I was too tense to care now, she was so near I can feel her presence already. I wanted to grab her and...

"Nic!"

I froze and backed out a little as I hear her call out to him.

"Nic I was looking all over for you!" She told him, the relief in her face palpable as Nicholas appeared from the near doorway.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Nic's concerned voice congealed the blood in my veins.

What is this? It wasn't me then?

"I...I just need to get out of here. I need to.." Kristen gasped out, her face paling to note her discomfort.

My chest, which was tight earlier, now ached a lot.

"Okay. Calm down. I'll get you out of here" Nicholas said as he draped his arms around her and slowly walked her out of the ballroom.

I watched. I watch them leave. I watch my ruined chance desert me. I watch how she managed to take my heart again and break it without meaning to.

Damn you Kristen. Damn you for making me hate myself.


	31. Chapter 30 : Liebloid

September 2015, Hollywood Gossip Mag

Nicholas and Kristen's first night out with Rpattz back in Hollywood.

Are you reading this right now? Coz if you are, you wouldn't believe who our confirmed dating A-listers are!

What timing! Nicholas Hoult and Kristen Stewart were spotted leaving the Indie Film Industry Charity Event last night in downtown LA in each other's arms, for the first time since rumours of them broke out.

The two lovebirds were invited to the event and came as separate guest, but there was no holding them back as they were seen to be in each other's arms as they left the building earlier than everybody else and went back to Nicholas' place. Aww. Can't wait to start the night? Yes! Coz wait for it...

There was another special guest for the night who just flew in after a long hiatus from the hollywood glam life. It's no one but 'Rpattz' Robert Pattinson himself, the famous other half of the Robsten couple (which ended years ago...or not).

According to our sources, Robert was seething in fury when he saw Nic and Kristen together for the first time and it convinced him to get his lady love back.

Is he gonna? Is Rpattz gonna nip the Nicsten lovers in the bud?

Coz with Rob back in the game, there's no blooming for those two.

I'm sorry Nic, she wasn't yours in the first place. Hand her over!

Robsten, Twihards celebrate!

(pardon the liebloid)


	32. Chapter 31 : Katy's Antics

Present day, Los Angeles

"She isn't coming" I said out loud for Katy to hear. She was sitting across from me at the conference table in her studio office.

"She is, give her a little time, she has a baby to take care of first." She declared back.

I was obviously sulking, everybody can see it. We were waiting for Kristen to arrive for the contract signing for the video, nothing much, just for formalities. Though it meant a lot to me. After that pleasant breakfast we had the other day I was expecting she could at least give this friendship a chance.

The chance to work with her again was always in my mind. It used to scare me that I would avoid it like a plague, now that it was possible, I'm dying to get started. If it slips through my fingers again I... I don't know anything anymore.

This emotional turmoil is so not me.

I need to be clear-headed in matters that concerns her. I should never forget that it was only for this video that I came back. Nothing else.

"I'm sorry I'm late"

I rose to the sound of her voice which was like a welcome balm to my weary thoughts.

"Thank God you're here! I thought Rob was going to throw himself out of the window already." Katy shamelessly announced as she sashayed from her chair to go and hug Kristen.

"What..." Kristen started.

"Never mind her." I mumbled as I drag out the seat right next to me, indicating where she's gonna sit.

Now that I'm fully back in the present I can't help but notice how wonderfully rested she looks. Maybe Thomas' nanny's back at last.

"Rob thought you weren't coming" Katy continued as she escorted her next to me.

She finally looked at me and smiled shyly.

"Hello Rob" she almost whispered.

"Hello Kristen" I smiled and greeted back.

For a moment there everything seemed nostalgic.

So that entire morning Katy ran us through the music and the storyline for the videos she wanted to release at the end of the year.

It all seemed very pleasant until it sounded too familiar.

"Let me get this straight...they were best friends turned lovers..." I recited.

"That's the first video" Katy said proudly.

"broke up because of priorities...then tried getting back together..." Kristen continued.

"The second" Katy confirmed nodding.

"Then one gets married while the other kills himself" I grumbled, not pleased on how this was going.

"Exactly! Wonderful isn't it?! It's like a trilogy!" Katy exclaimed her mirth obvious in her eyes.

"Tragic!" Kristen said out loud to my amusement.

She didn't seem to like it also. If I wasn't mistaken Katy is trying to pull the biggest matchmaking prank in history.

"You have got to be shitting us."I mumbled as I shake my head.

"Well If I'm sure of one thing, it's the fact that you two won't be having difficulties in playing this out and I couldn't be more happy!" She was persistent.

She has set the start date for shooting next week and gave us copies of her song for props. In the meantime she told us to try and get along and internalize her song if we can.

Internalize my ass. I'm actually living it.

"Okay you guys. I'll see you both next week" She said as she hurriedly hug and gave us a kiss both.

"I thought we're gonna have lunch together? I haven't eaten anything!" I asked confused coz she told me earlier that the three of us was supposed to eat at this new Italian place.

"My manager called, emergency meeting." She said as she excused herself and gave us a wave and dashed out of the room, leaving me and Kristen staring at the empty doorway.

It was only the two us and Katy's new assistant.

"Umm...she did arrange for reservations. The place is ready, a car will drive you there" The assistant doesn't even look happy he was dragged into this by his boss.

We were both silent, and probably cursing Katy in our own thoughts. I was in the middle of planning her imminent death in my hands when Kristen spoke.

"Rob...you have to go. I do need to get home to Thomas soon." she said.

Trust Kristen to think of a perfect excuse.

"I'm not eating then" I hastily answered.

"Just go okay?" She admonished.

"Not going unless you eat too" I glared back.

It seems we are at an impasse.

"Besides, we have to talk about this prank Katy's playing on us" I was surprised with my honesty, but not as much as her next admission.

"You noticed too?" Her eyes lit up, and so does the number of chances I can get to spend more time with her today.

"Yes...should we go eat now and talk about how to get back at her?" I suggested mischievously.

She laughed. It was like music. I was never happier then when she we walked out of that room with me.


	33. Chapter 32 : Just Friends

"This looks nice" Kristen said as we walked in the new Italian restautant.

"Smells nice too" I added.

There was only a couple of people seated and it looks like a quiet uninterested group. We have talked about the possibility of media speculation on our way to this lunch, but Katy's assistant assured us it was a completely discreet establishment.

We were both hungry so we didn't bother question his decisions anymore.

The maitre'd seated us at a corner secluded spot with a view of a garden. We were already hidden from view of the other customers.

Silence permeated the place, except for the lilting music on the background.

We ordered our food then settled in to wait.

Now comes the awkward part.

"So...isn't this something? Dinner, Breakfast the other day...and now Lunch." I joked.

I shouldn't have. She didn't look like she would want to hear one now.

"Rob..." She started.

I cringed. My name sounds wonderful on her lips but the tone wasn't set for pleasantry.

"Yeah?" I continued.

"I know how silly this is going to sound. I just really want to apologize for Katy's sudden interest in our...our..." She stammered.

I don't understand why she was apologizing for Katy. It's not as if she put her through it. She didn't even seem like she wanted to do this project at all.

"It's just that I feel it all started because of something I said to her, or accidentally shared and shouldn't have." She looked like she was doubting the wisdom of actually starting this conversation already.

"You don't have to explain anything...I'm actually glad she dragged me here to do it." I smiled.

The sudden relief I saw in her face pleased me. She can't be this stress all the time. It's gonna take a toll on her again, and I know all about how that happened before to her.

"I'm just sorry Rob. You were already probably enjoying your life...then I go mess it up again." She sighed. She couldn't even look me in the eyes as she said that.

Mess it up? Does this woman know she was my life? That everything that happens to me revolves around her? That even if no matter how I try to move on and stay away I still gravitate to her?

I wiped the disbelief on my face before she can see it. How do I put this lightly without scaring her? We've been through this before. We have said our goodbyes, we both understood how it'll be difficult to get over us when we still insist on our impossible friendship.

"Kristen...last January...whatever we talked about..." I started.

I didn't get to finish the sentence though coz suddenly we were already being served.

I have spent a year thinking about that conversation. It changed my life and I thought I'll never ever gonna see or hear from her again coz we finally decided to seal anything that was us. I've been through hell and back thinking of a way to retract everything I said and did. I thought I'd be able to stand firm on that decison and live with it.

I never realized how wrong I was. I had the inkling feeling, although it was never more clear now that I'm in her presence.

I never thought I'll ever find the chance again. Now that she's here in front of me, I realized how grateful I was for this opportunity that Katy stubbornly forced on us.

I wonder if we'll ever get around to talking about it though. It's only been a couple of days but it seems so complicated already.

I tightened my resolve. I'll find a way. Even if we just had to be friends again.

Kristen smiled at me.

"Don't worry...we'll find some way to talk." She said as if she read my mind.

I smiled back, hope settling in both of us that whatever little thing that's left between the two of us, it could probably be salvaged.


	34. Chapter 33 : Twilight

**October 2015, Los Angeles**

"So whose party is this we're going to?" I asked.

Nicholas was driving us to a party in Malibu, a British friend of his that I haven't met yet, but he assured me I might know some of them already.

"It's Keri's." He replied, trying to louden his voice amidst the music in his car. "I'm not sure if you've met her though, probably not."

"It's okay." I calmly said. I may not be a social butterfly but I do know how to get along with people.

It has nothing to do with strangers, it's just that I still find it disconcerting to go out and about with Nic, especially now that it's widely known that we are officially dating.

Are we dating? We hooked up that's for sure, but we never really talked about it in a way.

Lately with projects on stand-by I find myself wanting to stay at home more and enjoy the dogs and reading a lot more books. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm too scared to go out coz until now we still haven't been able to see each other. When I say we...Me and Rob.

Rob...

It has been a month already for him here in LA and we have successfully managed to avoid each other like the plague. Funny thing is that somebody from his team sometimes would pass by the house to pick-up the dogs and would return them a couple of days after. Bear and Bernie, he misses them I know. I just don't ask questions anymore. The fact that we both haven't worked up the nerve to face each other and talk yet says something already. I started wanting to find a way a couple of weeks ago, now I just lost the urge knowing he didn't even try to say hi.

I sighed audibly.

"What's wrong?" Nicholas asked as he lowers the volume of the car stereo.

"Nothing. Are we there yet?"

* * *

Nicholas and I arrived later than everybody else. The place was jam-packed already and we can barely get through the foyer. It's evening but the sun is still up so the party is still on its way to get wilder. I see some personalities and I do remember other acquaintances. Familiar faces are scattered all over the place, some tipsy already, some smooching at a corner, there was even a pool party going on at the back area. It seems to be one of those that will probably last all night, and where there are no such thing as celebrities coz no one really gives a fuck about anybody here.

Interesting, I could actually hide away in a corner with my booze and probably get away with my thoughts for the entire night.

"This is Keri. Keri this is Kristen" Nicholas introduced me to our host, she was British Black and I'm pretty sure I haven't met her before so I just smiled shyly greeted her a happy birthday and gave her a hug.

"You guys enjoy, okay?" She said smiling. "Go grab some beer and hang out at the porch or wherever" She added as she directed us to the general area.

Nicholas handed me a bottle and took one for him. We patiently snaked through the throng as he greeted some friends and introduced me to some. They were friendly enough, It's the third party I've been to with him, so some, I already know. Though I wonder why they're looking at me peculiarly, maybe because it's only now that news about me and him surfaced unlike the previous gatherings.

Interesting, I do might need that alone time I've been thinking about earlier.

The place was huge for a beach house so I had to go around until I spot a nice corner to lounge at. Nic was busy with some of his friends and I told him I'll just be at some corner chatting or whatever.

I walked out to the pool area where a rowdy group was trying to douse each other if not horseplaying. I continued on to the garden that slopes down to the beach and found this big rock among the shrubs which looks comfortable enough to sit at.

Perfect. It was twilight and I have my third bottle of cold beer with me. I rarely go to the beach anymore and this seems like a perfect escape from the noisy crowd. I'll remember to thank Nicholas later for this.

I sat down comfortably enough and took sips from my bottle and patiently waited for the sun to disappear completely from the horizon.

Only the sound of the waves and sea birds can soothe a soul like this, the noise was just a distant sound in the periphery, something I can blot out if I concentrate enough.

I closed my eyes and just let it take all over my senses.

Oh life...you surprise me sometimes.

I continued to lounge there with my eyes close, my face absorbing the fading sunlight and letting the breeze waft through my hair. A smile playing on my lips.

I spent a few minutes in that state.

"Beautiful isn't it?"

I jerked, sitting up straight, surprised by the masculine voice a few paces behind me.

Oh God oh God oh God...

It can't be.

"Are you still closing your eyes? You're gonna miss the sunset." He said, a trace of laughter in his voice.

Oh God that voice...

I curled up, my hands clenched in my lap, my eyes still shut. A million thoughts ran through my head and I've never felt so incoherent my entire life.

"Kristen..."

I silently moaned unconsciously as a reaction. More like a moan of distress than pleasure, who knows, it could be second nature.

I have to. I need to turn around and check If I wasn't hallucinating. I have to, damn it! I just can't curl up in a ball coz I'm unable to handle it.

I forced myself to straighten and open my eyes. I forced myself to turn inch by inch and slowly look up to see. I forced myself to see, to look at his face.

Finally. Even through my blurring, surprisingly wet eyes, there was no mistaking that face.

"Rob..." I whispered.


	35. Chapter 34 : Clean Slate

"Rob..." She whispered.

I stood there a few feet away from her. We were face to face after almost two years. For a moment I almost lost my footing at the intensity of her stare. I was so sure of myself when I saw them came in earlier. I was so sure I'd be able to handle this assumed civility.

"Hello Kristen..." I smiled at her pleasantly.

Now, I'm just lost for words and stood there like an idiot not knowing how to respond to her presence.

I looked at her and was amazed how she looks so much better now. Her hair was long again and back to their natural color, her face was entirely void of make up which made her look younger than her 25 years.

I swallowed, fully comprehending the gravity of something I had planned to do, questioning if it was the wise course to take.

We stood there looking at each other for what seems like a lifetime, no words spoken, only silence. Silence, we haven't shared for such a long time.

Kristen looked surprised at first, but the softening of her glance and the slow smile that I know will take over that face in a few seconds, confirmed that I was a welcome presence.

"Oh Rob..." She started to say and move towards me.

"Honey! Where are you?" A high-pitched voice sounded just a little farther away from us. It wasn't as far as I wanted it to be that moment though.

Kristen stopped in her tracks, wavering after hearing company.

My heart thudded. Wrong timing.

"Honey! Rob! Where are you?" Now the voice was a little closer, which means he has to think fast.

He looked behind to check if his date was anywhere close to finding him, she wasn't yet.

He turned back to Kristen, and that's when he saw how the light faded from her eyes. That exact moment he knew he just delivered her an unexpected blow.

One thing for sure, the guilt ate at him, but it was there already. There's nothing much to do but go from here.

Now they share a clean slate.

"I gotta go, It was nice seeing you again" I mumbled, smiled, turned and gave her my signature wave.

I was an asshole.


	36. Chapter 35 : Cookie Dough

**September 2014, Los Angeles**

"Okay. So I have your ticket for Singapore tomorrow morning. Alicia's here to pick it up. Will you be alright from here on? I'm sorry it's a day later than we first planned." Ruth rattled her instructions and last-minute checks over the phone piece in my ear.

"Yes yes it's okay" I said as I carefully stirred a unbake mixture of cookie dough.

My flight was moved to tomorrow morning. I thought It was my last day here yesterday. Good thing I still have an extra day of my short vacay. Tomorrow I have to go back to set already to continue shooting for Equals. I miss my place, It feels like I've been gone forever and not only a month. I miss my dogs, all three of them. Sometimes I wish I can bring them with me, but that's not gonna happen, someone needs them too, and he won't like it if I just jet them half way around the world without his permission.

Hmm...Interesting thought. Wonder how he'll react if he suddenly comes home and won't find them here if he visits.

My thoughts went around the possibilities and I ended up staring at my over mixed dough. Darn it. Damn it. Dagnabbit.

Nothing productive comes from thoughts of him lately. Haven't I learned my lesson enough already?

I sighed and set aside the mixture while I heated the oven, bending to remove the pan i stashed in earlier.

Suddenly, like an unwelcome force, my current situation reminded me of nostalgic memories.

* * *

_"What are you cooking, Babe?" He whispered behind me as his hand snaked around my waist while I set the oven._

_I squealed surprised at his sudden presence while he laughed and continue to nuzzle my neck._

_"Rob, I'm sweaty" I scolded as I turned in his arms._

_"It's alright, I'll just lick you all over" He teased then proceeded to shower me with kisses from my forehead to my nose, to both my cheeks, my chin, to the side of my jaw then slowly proceeding to nibble my lower lip while he enjoyed me squirming in lust in his arms._

_"Honey...the dough...it won't cook if...if we do this" I stammered as I tried to control my reaction to him. But it was futile, I was a goner like always._

_"It's okay...I love raw dough...I love it if it's yours" He laughed as he proceeded to draw me closer and hover an inch over my lips like a tease. "I love...love it!" he pronounced._

_He then fell silent as he stared at my eyes, and at that moment, the giggly Rob fell away. He slowly reached up to wipe a smudge of flour on the side of my nose then slowly inspected me, running his fingers to every contour of my face as if trying to commit my face into his memories. He smiled a little smile and whispered with all the sincerity I rarely hear from him. "I love you so much."_

_And I knew that cookie will never get baked anytime soon, the baker was too weak in the knees and her heart was about to explode from the emotions._

_Moments like these, they always leave me breathless, and most of the time, out of words. So I just stared at him in wonder. I wondered and wondered on how lucky I was to have a love like that._

* * *

Wooof!

CRASH!

The dogs went berserk as the empty pan fell from my shaking hands.

Good thing it was empty or I'll have a hell of a time scrubbing cookie dough from the hardwood floors.

Where was I? Damn it. I was lost in my thoughts again. How many times Kristen? How many times do you have to torture yourself before you learn your lesson?!

I set the pan on the counter and stared at it as I try to catch my breath. This was crazy, it was crazy how every nook, every cranny, every movement reminds me of him.

It was crazy how this wasn't even our house, it was in Aberdeen where we were blissfully happy.

This was my house, which became his too. It became his after that shit we went through and we had to pick ourselves together again. It was here where I learned how important he really was to me. It was here I learned how to treasure him again. It was here where i whispered words of sorry and regrets to him. It was here where I learned how to love him every night and every waking hour of my life when we were still together.

It was also here where we got our hearts broken, again and again. This time it shattered, it was too hard to pick it up after that, you can try and try but you only end up cutting yourself with the sharp unrelenting pieces of what once was.

God Rob. It hurts so much still.

I hastily wiped my wet eyes on the sleeve of my arm and covered the dough. I took off my apron and went up to my room, slammed the door to the protest of my furry companions. I went to the medicine cabinet and took some Benadryl then dove under the covers determined not to wake up and face my fucking demons tomorrow instead.

By then, I'd have only enough hours left before I leave for Singapore.

* * *

"Yep. She left for Singapore today." Nick Frenkel, my manager confirmed what I already knew.

She just flew out of LA again while I flew in from Toronto, fresh from TIFF.

Is this a good thing? I think so. I usually go straight to Marmont in cases where I don't have a place to stay for the time being. Though me and Kristen haven't been communicating for a while, we have exchanged correspondence through our managers.

I used to have a rented house in LA, but I was out so much of 2014 that I decided to give it up and stay in Marmont instead. I have no desire to build roots and cozy up a house just for me. I was pretty much content with the hotel, it was impersonal.

Though there were times when I felt a little nostalgic of a situation I used to share with that somebody, with her. A cozy house with dogs in it and her constant cooking and laughter. Those were the halcyon days we had.

I missed it. I missed it so much actually that aside from asking Nick to ask Ruth if I can be allowed to visit the dogs once in a while, I started asking for more than that. I asked to stay while she's out. She was always busy too, in a different state, now a different country. It wouldn't be a bad arrangement. I mean, at least someone takes care of the dogs while she's gone, and clean the house too, maybe.

To my surprise she said yes. I couldn't remember a happier time after our break than the time I first step on that threshold without hold backs. Ironic how I will always consider this as our...I mean...a home in LA.

No wonder I couldn't imagine getting my own place. No one would hang random painting, poetries and family pictures on the wall. There would be no kitchen cabinet with a collection of Paula Deen cooking books and what nots. There would be no pots and pans, no sneaker on the stairway, no carefully folded shirts of mine mixing with hers. There would be none of those and I'll hate it.

That's why from the airport I drove straight home. Yes home, even it was already late and Natalie Portman would probably throw a rock at our roof for waking everybody up at the neighborhood at this ungodly hour. I laughed and whistled.

I arrived and immediately saw her car parked. Trust Kristen to leave it at the curb after she plans to be gone for a month. Women. I shook my head smiling. I'll move it tomorrow and maybe wash it too if I feel like it. I parked my own truck at the further side tucked neatly behind the trees. I won't be able to park it closely tonight with hers blocking the way, anyway, no hurries.

I slowly went down careful not to make so much noise. I made my way to the door with my duffel bag and back pack, then slowly stoop down and grope under the hedges for the spare key.

There it is, like it always was before.

I smiled excited to be home to see the dogs. I turned the key in the lock and slowly opened the door, already calling out silently to them so they'll know it was me, while expertly finding the light switches on the wall.

I was not mistaken. They suddenly came rushing down from the second story and enthusiastically greeted me.

I laughed delighted as I hushed there barking and made my way to the living area to drop my bags. I then went straight to the kitchen and turned on the lights. I looked around surprised how lived in it looks. It actually has some flour marks on the counter and a covered bowl of what appears to be cooking dough.

This is interesting. Did she not finish baking before she flew out? I laughed. Only Kristen, i said to myself as I set aside the bowl and studiously wiped her counter of the flour marks. I always know how she prefers it clean.

With that done and a little look around I went straight to the fridge and decided to get started on what I had planned to do.

Drink myself to oblivion.

It has always been a custom since I started spending nights here on my own. I'd need it to steel myself from the onslaught of memories that is sure to welcome me every time I'm home.

I opened the fridge, unsurprised finding it stacked with Heineken. She knew I come for visits while she's out of course. I do respect her space and clean up as much as I can before I leave, but as time went by and the more we did this, we find it was sometimes interesting to leave surprises for each other's comfort. A fave boxed delicacy for her before I leave or a new shirt (old shirts acceptable too and cap) and a pack of Heineken and microwavable meals for me. Life, in it's own weird way was perfect, well less perfect than what we used to have, but i'll take anything.

I sighed then settled down at the porch with my drink. All I could ever think about now was her unfinished cookies...I knew it was for me. She knows how much I love them, she even went ahead and left a passive aggressive note once "Mind your Crumbs," which was secretly folded in my wallet. Lovesick fool that I was.

Damn it, why didn't she finish those cookies? I want to cry out. She couldn't be that too excited to fly off to that Hoult guy and forget his damned cookies. Stupid fucking rumours. He knows there's no semblance of truth to them but he just can't help it now that he's frustrated.

He sighed and continued drinking until he finshed the whole pack, until he fell asleep on the porch, drunk to oblivion.

* * *

My phone alarm sounded and I reached out to look for it on the dresser, only to realize that it was not my alarm but Alicia calling.

"Whaaa?" I mumbled in my groggy state, still feeling the effects of the Benadryl I took last night.

"Kristen! Where the fuck are you?" Alicia, my friend, and my newly designated temporary assistant yelled on the other line, to my dismay.

"What time is it? It's still dark outside." I grumbled, then proceeded to lie back down and stretch on my bed.

"It's 6 fucking am and you're gonna miss your flight if you don't move that ass of yours!" She scolded, my ears ringing.

I didn't have to be told twice. With that sinking in I bolted up again, rubbed my eyes then hastily said goodbye to her on the phone, promising to have my pretty ass on LAX as soon as possible.

I took a quick shower. There was no other option. Good thing my bags were ready in my car already, all I had to do was kiss the dogs goodbye and rush to the airport to make it in time.

I donned a comfy pair of jeans and Rob's shirt. I didn't plan to but it was the first one I grabbed and it was practically mine already anyway, with it all scrunched up at the seams. I hurriedly went down and gathered Cole, Bear, and Bernie to me who was already waiting. I kissed and nuzzled them one by one before checking if I managed to turn off every switch. I checked every room hastily, not bothering to go out the porch anymore. With that secured I made my out again hugging the dogs one more time.

"I'm gonna miss you guys!" I playfully nuzzled and hugged them again to me. "Whew! Why do you guys smell like beer?" I laughed, but they did seem to smell like it. "What were you doing you troublemakers, I better have somebody over to bathe you again" I said.

I then kissed them each for good measure and closed the door even with their whining breaking my heart. It's time to go or else I'll be late.

I turned and hurriedly walked to my car, leaving everything dear to me inside that house.

* * *

Rob woke up to the sounds of the dog barking. He thought he heard Kristen laughing again. Or maybe, it was just what was left of his dream interspersed in reality. He sighed and felt the oncoming headache already, or maybe muscle pain for sleeping out at the porch all night.

He stretched and stood up. The dogs stopped whining and barking and went over to him. He nuzzled them and smiled.

"What do they shampoo you with? Your Mom's hair mixture?" He joked as he continued to smell them. They smell like Heineken with a touch of Kristen's shampoo or perfume.

Damn it. His senses are playing havoc on him. Good kind of havoc if there is one.

He stretched again and made his way up to the master's bedroom. Since then this is where he always sleeps, he couldn't fall asleep on the other beds. It's always this one, the one they use to share.

He stopped suddenly when he noticed the bed unmade. Seriously, was she in that kind of hurry? He sighed, then stumbled inside the room still a little tipsy with the after effects. He fell flat face first on the bed.

Oh God, if he wasn't this drunk he would swear the bed was still warm from the weight of her body and seemed to have absorbed her scent, he felt himself turned on by the thought. Fuck, fuck it. I'm drunk.

He clenched his teeth and stretched to grab a pillow to bury his face in.

Kristen Kristen Kristen...I miss you so much.


	37. Chapter 36 : LA Pack

**January 2018, Los Angeles**

Today, we shot our first few scenes together for Katy's video. At first I had trouble dodging the papz who were following me from Marmont, luckily it was shot in one of Katy's friend's house and in a gated community so they weren't really able to figure out what's happening.

As far from the gossip mags I've been seeing, they had me and Katy engaged, again.

Which is fine, we can handle that, what I can't stop worrying about is the possibility of messing up Kristen's quiet life again after all these months of carefully hiding under the limelight for her son.

"Okay guys! That's for the party scene!" Katy announced as she finished reviewing her material gathered through her screen.

I laughed on how serious she was on her particular shots. She had me and Kristen pretend meeting each other for the first time, we came with other people but couldn't deny the attraction we had to each other and ended hitting it up. Cliche? Yes, a perfect story for a music video.

It was done in a couple of hours, to the dismay of our extras who was actually having a blast because of the real booze that was provided.

"That's it?! But I was having so much fun!" Suzie complained, now on her 3rd bottle. She was swaying to the up beat music and had to stop when Katy had to review.

"It's okay Suz, after they leave we continue with the party" CJ, another one of our friends spoke up.

If I look around, you would think nothing has changed after all these years. It was the same people who are here, it's the same group who makes up my LA friends. I might have been gone a long time and actually lost touch, but friends are friends and sometimes time doesn't change anything at all.

I smiled at the playful banter and the non-stop laughs that were exchanged in front of me. It was then I realized Kristen already slipped out while everybody was busy with their own.

I stopped in the middle of drinking and looked around, expecting to see her fooling with one of them. She wasn't anywhere.

I checked at the kitchen, at the porch, even at the bedroom upstairs which was her dressing room, she wasn't anywhere. A little defeated, I went back to the group still wondering why she didn't even say goodbye.

"She went home already." Alicia who was just sitting at the corner spoke up to my surprise, she probably read my mind or got a hint with the expression I have on.

I schooled it. "Who?"

She laughed sarcastically and rolled her eyeballs. She never really approved of me before, but she can't do anything but deal with it, to my satisfaction.

"Don't pretend. I know that look." She informed me coolly as she stood up and left me wondering about my obvious eagerness for my ex-girlfriend's constant presence.

I downed my remaining drink and went around to talk to others, consciously disappointed because she didn't stay.

"Rob over here!" Tamra yelled above the loud music.

Somehow this shoot has successfully turned into a full-blown party.

"Congratulations, you managed to throw a big party even with that cramming schedule of yours" I told Katy and Tamra.

Tamra was Katy's assistant and good friend. She was also one of our good friends back then. If I think about it, I don't have any friend here that I don't share with Kristen. I smiled at how intertwined our lives were.

"Awkward or welcome respite?" Tamra asked with a knowing look. Of course she was referring to me and Kristen.

Katy looked on curiously, waiting for a set down or an unexpected reaction from me. She was disappointed.

"Just work." I replied nonchalantly.

Tamra laughed. "Okay...tell me that again when we get to the kissing and making-out part."

For a moment I think my eyes widened, the two laughed and did a high-five in my expense. I frowned. Trust them to make light of this, which they should. I don't know why I'm doing the exact opposite.

"Nothing new." I forced myself to say, which put a huge smile on their silly faces.

"Okay Rob...whatever pleases you. As long as our girl is fine." Tamra informed me. I did catch what she really meant by that statement though.

I almost sighed. The protectiveness, I can still feel it in full force. Though I was a part of them before, I understand that they can't help but feel a little more concerned for Kristen.

Jesus! It's not as if I came back to deliberately hurt her again.

"Are you guys finished torturing him? We want him to play pong with us with the boys" Scout appeared suddenly and hooked her arms to mine.

I laughed and playfully put my arms around her so she can pull me out of this awkward conversation I was faced with.

"Thanks"I mumbled to hear once we were out of earshot.

"Don't thank me. Kristen said to extract you in such cases." She said smiling.

I paused surprised again. "Really?"

She guffawed. "God no! What she would pay to see the look you had on your face earlier with Tamra and Katy!"

I frowned. I forgot how silly this group can get.

"Anyway, Alicia said to tell you that Kris is safely home already." She said in a serious note again.

I paused this time ascertaining her sincerity. You'll never know with them.

"I am actually...not...pulling your leg. She thinks it's something you would like to know." She smiled.

I looked around waiting for somebody to laugh. There wasn't, and I was even expecting Alicia to jump out of nowhere to bazzinga me.

"No, she was serious...now wipe that look of your face so we can go party!" She announced before pulling me back to the rowdy crowd.

The last person I expected to care was Alicia.


	38. Chapter 37 : Turmoil

**November 2015, Los Angeles**

"What time will you be ready?" Nic asked over the phone.

There's this party again that we were invited to and I did promise the other day to go with him. Although if I was being honest I didn't really feel like going out, knowing the party was of a common friend of Rob and I.

That last party at Malibu was a disaster. After he walked out I stood there on the beach like a dazed fool not knowing how I should react to his nonchalance.

I steeled myself and looked for Nicholas, he knew something was wrong. He figured it out even before I had to say it. Thankfully he understood my need to get away, so we awkwardly excused ourselves from our host saying we had an errand to run and had to leave her party early.

After that day I tried my best to be a little more accommodating to Nic, unfortunately I was fooling myself if I keep pretending that I wasn't that affected knowing Rob was near and probably dating someone else.

"I understand if you don't want to come with me. Will it be alright if I go alone?" He asked after my long silence.

I sighed.

"Pick me up at 7" I said, decided that it's best to get it over with.

Anyway, if Rob really was dating another woman I had to see her for myself. And besides, what are the chances we'll meet at the same party again?

If he was, it's a good thing that Nicholas will be there. That ought to even the game.

* * *

"Kristen! You didn't tell me you were coming!" Lindsey exclaimed as she saw me when we arrived.

"Last minute change of plans" I said as I gave her a tight hug. "I haven't seen you for a long time, Linds" I smiled.

"Yes! I know! That's why I'm so glad you're here too! Honestly I only crashed this party. I'm actually way too early for a crasher and Dylan can't make me leave." She laughed.

"Hey Lindsey." Nic greeted her with a friendly peck.

"Hello handsome!" She playfully batted her long eyelashes at him. "Wanna make out with me later?"

I shake my head laughing while Nic colored a little.

"Naaah...I already planned to do that with somebody else tonight." He jokingly replied.

Lindsey raised her eyebrows at me with a knowing smile.

"How come you get all the handsome brit boys in town falling at your feet?" She asked.

I shrugged. It eludes me also.

"Shouldn't we go inside now?" I asked.

"Sure, but before that, you should know that the other brit boy is also here."

I knew it.

* * *

I was casually drinking my beer at one of the corner tables talking to some friends of mine when I hear her name being bandied about.

She was here. I wasn't sure at first if she was coming, but I knew that there was a chance that I'd see her here tonight again.

I carefully listened to the other conversation and found out that she came in with Nicholas. I did expect that. It was a funny feeling knowing she came in with another man when before, she used to do these parties with me, only me.

"Nic! Over here!" The guy I was speaking to called Nicholas over to our table.

Luckily he came alone, Kristen was probably dragged somewhere else by her friends.

"Hey John" He greeted him with a hand shake and both faced me afterwards.

"Have you met Robert?" He asked Nic.

"Yeah! I've met him already, couple of times" He smiled pleasantly and held out his right hand. "It's nice seeing you again Rob." He added, waiting for me to receive his handshake.

At first I just stared at his hand, for a moment I thought everyone on the table held their breaths.

"Nicholas. Of course." I finally stood up and shook his hand with a firm grip.

Was that a sigh of relief I heard from one of the guys? Seriously. The last thing I'm gonna do was throttle him in front of them, no matter how much my hands itch.

"Great great!" Our friend exclaimed. He patted Nic on the back, handed him a beer and told him to sit down with us.

He did, and we all proceeded to drink and banter stories raucously.

* * *

Lindsey and I were sitting at the porch, drinking and exchanging stories for a good full hour since I arrived. Nic has gone to enjoy the night with his guy friends. I didn't mind.

We already both finished three bottles of our drink when she had to excuse herself to go to the bathroom. I nodded and told her that I'll just wait here. I really am having a good time talking to her.

So when the door opened again I smiled surprised. "That was fast!" I exclaimed before turning to her.

"What is?"

But it wasn't Lindsey. It was Rob.

My heart thumped in my chest and I was completely robbed of speech. I know he was here, but I wasn't expecting to see him alone.

"Mind If I stay here for a moment?" He asked. "It's getting all kinds of crazy inside" He added as he took out his pack of Newports.

I shook my head, still frozen in my place. He smiled and slowly came forward right next to me. We were both leaning at the corner bannister.

He lit his cigarette and handed out the box, inviting me to take one. I stared at it processing every single gesture before remembering that I'm trying to cut back from smoking so I turned him down.

"So you're not smoking anymore?" He asked as he returned the box in his pocket.

I shook my head and just stood there right beside him like an idiot. When I realized how foolish I might seem to him I turned back and leaned comfortably at the railing and took a much-needed swig from my drink.

"You're awfully quiet" He said and I nodded. "It's been quite a while since I last heard your voice."

I can't believe he's doing this. I was completely unable to process the emotions that was overtaking me.

I took a deep breath to bolster my courage.

"Why would you want to hear it anyway?" I said quietly. It was an honest observation. Why would he want to anyway? Whatever for?

"I happen to miss it, like how I happen to miss my friend too." He answered.

We weren't even looking at each other. We were just there, standing right next to each other with a noted space in between, throwing words in the air hoping the other person could catch its meaning.

"Oh..." That automatically came out of my mouth unconsciously. Trust Rob to render me speechless.

"I know it's uncomfortable for you with my being here - " He started to say.

"No no...It's not. Don't think of it that way." I mumbled incomprehensibly. He completely misunderstood the situation. I was the one being awkward.

"I just want you to know that I'm not leaving LA anytime soon." He said directly.

"I understand. You don't really have to explain anything to me you know" I replied.

"I know. I was actually hoping that this time we could be...friends again...if not"

My head snapped up to look at his face. It was only now that I looked at him directly. Was he suggesting...but I must be mistaken.

"What are you saying?" I asked, not knowing if the answer I was actually expecting from him would make or break me.

He shrugged and smiled. "Is your boyfriend gonna be angry if he knows you're out here with me?"

I frowned at him. "He's not my boyfriend."

"But you're dating him." He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Probably...probably not. What is dating anyway? I'm not even sure." I fumbled. "Why are we talking about this? I'm pretty sure this is none of your business" I added annoyed.

He paused and stared at me with a sharp look in his eyes. I looked away uncomfortably.

"I'm making it my business again..."

My jaw dropped. I'm sure I misheard him, but when I looked back at him there was nothing but seriousness in his face.

"I'm not sure I understand." She replied dismissively.

"I'm saying I wished nothing has changed..." I said honestly.

I probably shocked her with my brash and direct attitude.

"I uh...I think Nic's probably looking for me already" she mumbled and turned away.

I laughed at her evasion. It went the way I expected it to work.

"I look forward to our next get together" I called out to her before she went fully inside. I smiled to myself. So he isn't a boyfriend, that's good, makes it easier for me.

* * *

I quickly went around looking for Lindsey as soon as I left the porch. I saw her slumped in one of the sofa, she was drunk as predicted. She was drunk and passed out and left me to be preyed by a wolf. I shook my head from the thoughts. Was that really Rob? For a moment I thought he was very suggestive of something, and now I realized he was probably joking again like he used to. It's no surprise already how ridiculous some of his jokes were, but this one takes the cake.

I woke up Lindsey and dragged her to her boyfriend so he can bring her home, that's when I saw Nic.

He was completely oblivious of what just took place. Truthfully, I wasn't even sure it really took place. I feel like I was in a dazed dream, still not comprehending what Rob meant to happen.

With my expression, Nic knew I wanted to go. So with a hasty excuse again we left and he drove me home.

I just gave him a chaste kiss on the doorstep and told him I have to sleep early to his disappointment.

I sighed, the last thing I wanted was to hurt Nick. It all started as an innocent attraction and I didn't really plan to invest in us emotionally, but it looks like he beat me to it.

What a mess.


	39. Chapter 38 : A Kiss

**January 2018, Los Angeles**

I was standing there at the corner, head down, conscious of my every movement. I know he was just across, looking at me, observing, probably contemplating to approach. The band started to play a ballad and couples start coming together at the center of the open garden. It was splendid to see them swaying under the moonlight.

I looked up and glanced his way. He was still looking my way. Was he ever gonna approach me? What's taking him so long?

I sighed, cast my eyes down again. This was futile. He was not interested.

I turn to look at some of my friends, but they were busy with their own. I fidget in place, unsure now why I was even here. I knew he was gonna be here like he told me the other night when we met. Now, he's acting like he doesn't know me.

Even this self-doubt can't stop the knowledge that those green eyes were trained my way. It's just a wonder why he's taking so long. I probably should go.

Before I could contemplate saying my excuses, I felt a hand on my arm.

I turned, and there he was. At last, he actually made up his mind.

"What took you so long?" I asked Rob. My shy smile was deceiving, I was very pleased.

"I was trying to build up the courage to ask you to dance with me." He answered, there was no smile, but I know that look, determined if not passionate.

He extended his right hand in an open gesture, waiting for me to reach out. I smiled and clasp mine to his.

It was instantaneous, the jolt, the feeling of connection. He drew me into his arms and led me to the center of the open platform where everyone was slowly dancing.

It was enchanting, from the glittering lights hanging on the trees, the distant chatter from other guest, the wonderful music, the exquisite dresses and clothes. The man in front of me, his green eyes was all that I can see right now, the strong feel of his shoulders underneath my right arm. The warm clasp of his hand on my waist as he sways me to the music.

I could fall in love with him right now.

There was a soft look on him, it's as if I can read his mind, there was a need to keep me near him, a need to protect and possess.

As the music goes on, the closer we get. We got in deeper and deeper to the feeling that surrounds us.

I never questioned how perfect it seemed. How warm I was feeling, how natural it was. I could stay in his arms forever.

We draw closer, our face inching closer to each others, my eyes flutter close, anticipating the next thing that I know was supposed to happen. It's gonna be the one thing that'll complete this night. Rob was gonna kiss me and I never wanted something so badly in my life.

I can feel his breath fluttering on my face, my heart slowly thumps while I try to hang on to him not wanting to slide on the floor now that my knees start to weaken.

Rob...I am so...

"CUT!"

I blinked.

"CUT!" Katy's shrill voice sounded over the speaker.

I blinked again orienting myself to my surroundings.

"Are you okay?" The warm voice that dominated my entire night suddenly reminded me of reality.

I glanced up seeing Rob in front of me. He was still holding me, both of his arms still on my waist, more of to prevent me from falling probably.

"Uh...I'm...I'm fine." I managed to say.

He smiled and let go of me, and all the warmth that I was feeling went with him. I was suddenly cold and couldn't prevent the shiver that overtook me for a second.

"You're cold." His eyes narrowed at me, noticing how light my dress was.

He was like that when right now, all I could ever think about was that kiss. That kiss that did not happen. Where's the kiss? Why was there no kiss? There should have been one! I wanted to scream in truth, but all I did was stand there in front of everyone looking frustrated as hell. This doesn't bode well.

"Katy, Kristen's freezing. Can we take a break?" Rob's voice broke through my thoughts.

"Sure, sure! I'll just rerun this shot first." Katy answered.

I rubbed my hands on my arms preventing the chill while I wait for the assist to hand me my coat.

Suddenly I found myself surrounded by his own coat. He took it off and wrapped it around me. It was typical of Rob and I forgot how lovely little gestures of his always meant to me.

"Come on" He said with a smile, reaching for my hand once again.

Like earlier, there was no hesitation in me. I gladly reached out to clasp his, following him willingly.

He led me to the dressing tent which was a good deal warmer, and where we prepped for earlier. I was suddenly feeling very contemplative, thus a little quiet than the usual. I wonder if he noticed, if he did, he was kind enough not to point it out.

He went straight to the coffee maker and produced two steaming mugs while I sat there patiently on the couch, waiting for something, for anything. Katy can call us back anytime soon, she's fond of changing the script and plot lately as I've noticed, like what she did with the kiss.

I could kill her.

I frowned. I caught myself pining for something I shouldn't.

God, this is hopeless. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch, not wanting to look at Rob. Every time I do lately, I feel every single emotion this body can produce. He wasn't even doing anything at all, it's ridiculous.

That was my last thought before I fell asleep on the couch.

* * *

I made the coffee the way she preferred. It was funny how I actually got the opportunity to do this for her again, the assist did know when to make herself scarce. I smiled, congratulating myself.

I turned with the two mugs secured, ready to present her own to her, only to stop after seeing her flat-out on the couch.

I could laugh at the irony of the situation. I did want to take this break for an opportunity to chat, but she was asleep now.

Her head was positioned awkwardly, her closed eyes, weary from all her sleepless nights was still noticeable even with the light make-up.

I placed the mugs on the coffee table and went to retrieve a wool blanket from the armoire, slowly I laid it on top of her, careful not to wake her up also as I arranged her head in a better angle.

Afterwards, I took my coffee in one gulp and made my way out of the tent.

Katy has some explaining to do, especially about that kiss that did not happen.


	40. Chapter 39 : Honest Questions

(Author's Note : This is in reference to Chapter 13: Regrets)

* * *

**November 2015, Los Angeles**

"Are you crying?" Nic asked.

"No" I answered, with a little sniffle.

I heard him sigh. He was driving me home from another party. There was just so many parties and nights out lately. There was also a lot of confusion in my chest right now. It's painful again.

Suddenly, Nic drove the car to the shoulder, slowing down to stop.

"What are you doing?" I turned to him. I wanted to go home badly already. I was starting to feel a little unwell, a little weak-hearted.

He didn't answer, he only went out and went around to my side to open the car door for me.

"What?" I asked, but he already succeeded in letting me out.

"Let's sit over here." He said as he led me to the ledge that overlook the city.

We were driving back down, and it seems we stopped at a part of the road overlooking downtown LA. It was a beautiful view.

I paused and stared at it for a moment. Wow. Now this was distraction. It was a welcome one. You rarely appreciate beautiful things when you are too distracted with the misery in your life.

It was night time Los Angeles and the lights from this view was mesmerizing. I enjoyed it for a while.

It was like a minute after when I realized Nic has been silent too. I glanced at him. he was there standing right beside me, hands in his pockets, eyes closed and slowly taking breaths of the fresh air around us.

I couldn't be more thankful for his friendship and companionship right now. It's unfair, this situation we are in. I don't want to hurt him anymore.

"He kissed me" I blurted out.

No answer.

"Rob. Rob kissed me Nic" I said more clearly.

Still no answer. I sighed.

"He was probably drunk. He took me to the terrace and I thought it was his usual 'reminiscing' moments where he talks alot about random stuff...you know how he is lately." I explained. I glanced at Nic, he wasn't looking up or closing his eyes anymore. He was looking down, but I know he is patiently listening like he used to when we were still in Japan and Singapore.

He was there too, back when I was too miserable to care about anything, back when I had only him to talk to coz my friends were halfway across the world. Nicholas had been there to be the default shoulder.

"Why is he doing this Nic? Why now?" I whispered. It was a question I keep asking myself also. It was more for me than for Nic to answer. "Him with his girlfriend trailing behind him everytime...now that she was not there tonight he had the nerve to...the nerve to..." I gasped and faltered. My emotions were getting the best of me.

I closed my eyes trying to regain composure, before I got the other words out and broke into a sob I felt Nic's arms go around me.

"Stop...you don't have to think about it for now." He said. "You'll be fine" He added before dropping a kiss on top of my head.

"I don't think I'll be fine for the next few days" I admitted between the gasping.

He released me, but made me look at him first. He smiled benignly. "Then we'll look forward to the days after that"

I frowned a little. He was being too positive, but I still can't help but wonder how he personally was feeling about this. I wasn't exactly keeping up to snuff in this relationship of ours, whatever this was.

"Don't you hate me if I talk about him?" I asked honestly.

"Why would I? You don't hate me when I talk about Jen." He said with a little laugh.

I smiled. "You and Jen are good friends...me and Rob..." I shrugged. There were no words to describe what we are to each other right now.

We were silent for a few moments, just looking at the view.

"Kristen, can I ask you something?" Nic spoke up.

"Yeah?" I glanced at him again. A little wary of any honest questions right now.

"Do you still love him like you used to?"

Somehow in my mind I know Nicholas was going to ask that sooner or later.

It took me a few moments to come up with what I really feel. Do I still love him? Yes. I probably will forever. Will I still be able to do anything about it? I don't know.

"Honestly? I don't know"

And that was the truth of the matter. Right now, I don't even know myself anymore.


	41. Chapter 40 : Chicken Rice

AN: Sensitive Chapter. But who gives a Fuck? I need this badly.

* * *

**September 2014, Singapore**

"Char Kway Teow"

"A what?" I giggled.

"Char..."

"Char"

"Kway"

"Kway"

"Teow"

"Tao"

"No you gotta roll your tongue. Teow" Lin said and I notice she's getting exasperated with my chinese skills.

"This is hopeless! If I roll my tongue any more it's gonna fall out!" I laughed. We were eating this Singapore dish that one of the crew prepared, it was really good, even if I can't pronounce the name of it.

"Let's just eat." Nic said from the other end of the table.

"I've been eating for a good half hour already, dolt." I jokingly said at him and went back to eating.

"I can see that, any more Hainanese Rice and that zip won't be able to carry you across" He replied.

"Uh! Mom! Get out of my face..."I scoffed but still laughing at his jibe. I recently have this obsession with their Chicken Rice and I don't think it's gonna stop soon. I'll probably bring back the recipe to LA and have this somebody try it. A new recipe in the fridge during his visits.

He and Scott just laughed at me.

"Where is CJ? I need back up!" I announced haughtily.

"I saw him at the terrace on the phone" Scott said in between his concentration of eating with chopsticks. Chinese food. You have to starve first before you can get something in your mouth.

"I'm here!" CJ announced as he walked in the room.

I turned to him and did the best puppy face I can come up with. "They're on me again, can you do your job and retaliate?"

CJ gave me one look and turned to all of them. "Shut up all of you and get off my bitch! I mean it!" he shouted.

"Whoa!" Scott almost dropped his chops.

I laughed. "Wow that was scary loud. I love you but they're only joking I promise."

I finished with a peace sign, but not before I notice the angry expression on CJ's face.

Something wasn't right.

"Are you okay?" I asked as he sat next to me.

He shrugged.

"Is it the call? Are you still gonna fly out tomorrow?" He was flying back to LA and I'm gonna miss him. It was really fun having him around here.

"Yes, it's the call. Yes, I'm still leaving tomorrow. I'm actually fine, but you won't like it." He said with all seriousness, everyone on the table actually stopped eating and tried to listen.

"What? Why?" I laughed nervously. It wasn't Cj to be affected about something like this.

"I don't want to talk about it right now." He admitted with a frown.

I actually stopped eating. "Let's go out and talk" I encouragingly said.

"Uh..." He shook his head. "You probably want to finish your food first." He added.

I raised my eyebrows, cryptic? This was interesting. "No I'm fine" I admitted.

CJ turned to his phone and I saw him look at some picture.

"Oh God, I think I just vomited a little in my mouth" He feigned a little gag and I laughed.

"What the hell is that? Let me see! Is it your boyfriend?" I asked while trying to grab his phone which he was trying to place it out of my reach.

"No! No! Are you done eating?!" He exclaimed while hiding his phone behind him.

"I'm done! Hand it over! I want to see!" I laughed and grabbed desperately to get the phone.

"No! No! No! Not yet" He kept repeating.

"Hand it over!" I playfully tickled, hit, and choked him. I suddenly wanted to win this game.

"Got it!" Nic announced. He went around and actually sneaked behind Cj.

"No! Don't give it to her!" Cj shouted as Nic handed the phone to me, both of us looking very triumphant while Nic held Cj back.

I laughed so loud before I unlocked and checked his phone.

"Don't worry I won't hold it against you." I promised.

I looked at the picture on display while I was still laughing about Cj who already stopped fighting Nic and seem resigned to letting me see it.

I paused. For a moment I was expecting to see Cj's ex with another guy. All I saw was a guy and a girl and got confused at first.

"What is it?" Scott asked, Lin and the others looked on anticipating.

I was pretty sure it was Cj's ex I was gonna see but I knew my eyes were fooling me. But there was no mistaking that profile, there was no mistaking it. I was looking at my own. I laughed a little surprised at the pic. Was it photoshopped? People were desperate. It could be an old pic with a random brunette. I shook my head and refused to acknowledge the sudden gut feeling.

I glanced at Cj with a smile, but he looked solemn and that's when I knew.

My world was collapsing in front of me again.

No. It's just photoshopped, but it was suddenly so surreal.

My smile vanished. I had a questioning look on my face at first. Cj nods as he confirmed what I thought I was seeing.

I looked at it the second time, now fully understanding what I was looking at.

I laughed a little as my stomach bottomed out. "Who?...Is it...?" I'm not sure who the girl was but I bravely scrolled through the pics and recognized her.

"Oh..." I smiled. I had to. I handed over the phone back to Cj who was just sitting there and looking at me waiting for my reaction. The others including Nic silently went back to their business sensing the game was over. "I thought it was your boyfriend!" I laughed loudly.

My laugh sounded wrong, but Cj wasn't laughing at all. Why is it suddenly so hard to laugh when I have the biggest urge to. I honestly don't know what I was laughing about, I just needed to laugh, I just needed to ignore the sudden tightening of my chest and the light headedness.

I turned to the others who were diligently ignoring us, so I turned to Cj and he still wasn't laughing with me. Suddenly I didn't want to look at him.

"I don't think I'm finished eating." I announced as I reached for another serving of that blasted rice. I'm just gonna eat now, anything to avoid the pitiful look trained on me.

What were we talking about before this again? I seem to have forgotten. Was it the rice or that noodle dish with the hard name?

"Lin! Char Tyoni?" I asked loudly while pointing to the noodles in front.

She sighed and shook her head. "You can call it whatever you like, it's fine"

"No! Teach me! Char what? Char Koy?" I paused to knock on my head forcing my brain to work. It was refusing to work. It was refusing me of anything right now. God, this could not be happening to me, right now, of all the places. "Char Koy! Char Kay! Char Shit!" I dropped my chopsticks and slammed on the table unconsciously throwing my head back laughing.

"Char Kway Teow" Scott whispered, or whimpered. I am not even surprised when I saw him threw an accusing look at Cj for whatever mood he suddenly put me in.

I glanced at Nic, at Scott, Lin, Cj and some guy whose name I knew a minute before and sadly my brain refused to let me remember now.

My heart was beating so hard in my chest I can actually hear it resounding in my ears. I laughed in irony. My brain has decided to screenshot and embed the picture in my fucking mind forever and I don't think I'd be able to eat any more chicken rice like I wanted. God, I wanted to finish my chicken rice and the Char Toni dish badly.

I looked down and noticed my hands were shaking and I laughed again. I glanced at Cj and caught him giving everyone a warning look, everyone who was suddenly so busy eating when I turned to them.

I looked down again and my hands refused to stop shaking. I can't eat with my hands shaking! I laughed silently at myself. I looked up but my eyes refuse to see anything but the picture so I shut it. I shut it as If I can try to contain in when I know I probably never will. I can't stop laughing coz If I stopped my lower lip was going to quiver and my tears are gonna start falling and that's the last thing I wanted to happen.

I glanced at the chicken rice on my plate, and now, all I can think about is how sorry I was that he won't be able to taste one after this. I don't think I'll bring back the recipe to LA with me after all.

No chicken rice for you, Rob.

I sighed loudly.

"Fuck this. I'm done for the day." I suddenly stood up and walked out.


	42. Chapter 41: Denial Anger Bargaining

**September 2014, Singapore**

"Fucktard"

"What?"

"Fucktard"

"Who is?"I asked automatically. "No, don't answer that question" I hurriedly added.

Cj and I were on the balcony of my Hotel Room. I planned to sit here alone but he refuses to give and said I was better off with somebody right now.

"I'm not going to jump off the balcony you know" I told him honestly with a giggle. Of course I won't. Stupid move when I can still plan somebody's demise instead.

Ugh no, positive and calm thoughts only.

"I know you won't" He replied. "But shit Kristen, she's so-"

"Don't say it!" I shouted, more of to bleep whatever word he was planning to say.

"I was gonna say different!" Cj frowned at me.

I calmed down a little, I can't help but be a little jumpy, I wont be surprised if I end up a nervous wreck at the end of this week.

"Sorry...I know." I sighed.

We were quiet for a while. Somehow I was glad Cj was here, it's like the world fucking knows what shit befalls someone and prepares you for it. I'm just glad. I want to be glad and happy and genuinely overjoyed but my spirit is in an all-time low again.

"It's not her fault you know...It's not even his" I whispered.

"Oh God! Please stop blaming yourself..." Cj groaned right beside me. I ignored him.

"I knew that someday this might happen...I just...I just didn't expect it to happen now..." I shrugged. "I thought I was prepared..." I added, my voice faltering, lips quivering.

"Fuck it if you cry again I'm gonna leave on a red-eye tonight!" Cj groaned louder. He really wasn't the one in the group you run to when you get this messed up, but a friend is a friend and he has to deal with me. I smirked a little.

"No. No crying for tonight." Yes. I'm actually very proud. Ever since dinner tonight when I found out I haven't bawled like everyone expected to. There are times when my eyes would water but shit if I let them fall, I refuse to. No, I won't shed a tear about this. It won't help. It won't change anything.

Shit. Thinking about not crying is starting to make my eyes water. God damn it stop thinking Kristen. Even if it kills you, you just have to stop thinking.

"I'm actually surprised." Cj admitted.

"Surprised about what?" I asked.

"How calmly you're taking this" He said. "Except that Char Toni episode earlier...that was crazy. I thought you were gonna upend the table!" He added laughing.

I laughed along. I admit, I did have the urge to do violence earlier. When I walked out I went straight to my room and smoked an entire pack refusing to think of anything else. This won't kill me, although smoking will, anything but this one tonight. So I chain smoked and hummed stupid songs in my head until I erased any thoughts.

It was a few minutes after when Cj came and found me. He came just in time, a little later and I would have probably filled a bucket with my tears. Ugh, so weak.

"You know your fans are a little concerned about you.." Cj said.

"Really?" I turned to him.

"Instagram, Twitter...and...and there is so much drama going on there right now" He laughed. I can imagine what he was referring to.

"Would I want to see?" I was curious.

"No. I'd rather you not. They're attacking somebody else." Cj informed me with a straight face. Suddenly it dawned on me what he meant.

"Seriously? Oh...I hope they're okay." I sighed. Did I disappoint the fans again? I feel like I fail them everytime I sink this low and not be able to fight for me and him.

God Rob...I just can't believe this.

Somehow my heart, my body and my mind refuses to believe it. I had no fucking clue.

"Cj...when you were in LA, did he ever let on that he was seeing somebody new?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Honestly? No. Nada." Cj said with conviction. "A little birdie actually flew by and told me that he was pining for you" Cj smiled.

I scoffed. Now I refuse to believe this one.

"Yeah right, no call, no text messages, no email ever...The only messages I get are passed and they're about the dogs!" I ranted. The house exchange we had been doing for the past few months came to mind. Now that he's dating he better think twice on stepping onto my doorstep again. I seethed. Denial done, anger now took its place. That was fast.

"Oooh...Now this is what I'm talking about. Girl you gotta let that out." He taunted.

"Nothing's gonna come out. I'm fine." I frowned at my empty cig packet.

"Are you sure? I'm leaving tomorrow and you're stuck with Nic and Scott. You better let that out while I'm still here" He actually glanced at his watch and counted the hours.

"I'm fine, I promise." As long as I don't think about him with somebody new I'm gonna keep on being fine, except that little problem of that stuck photo in my head.

"Okay whatever you say" Cj stood.

"Wait...can you...can you show me the pics again?" I reached out to him. Somehow I already planned on asking him earlier, but it was only now that I had the courage.

"Are you crazy?!" Cj exclaimed.

I frowned at him. "No! Just let me see it again."

"No. You can google it anyway in a few hours." Cj picked up his phone and probably scanned it if it was already up. He shook his head indicating it wasn't on the tabloids yet. "Are you prepared?"

"For what? The backlash?...I'm used to it" I silently answered as I lowered my head. It always comes back my way anyway, and I partly blame myself for that. Nowadays, I just don't give a fuck what they think about my personal life anymore.

"Very mature. So...does that mean you're finally over him?" Cj asked.

It took me a while to answer it. Usually I would nod, but Cj was my friend, and It felt wrong to nod when I'm hurting this way tonight.

"Does it matter?" I whispered, he barely heard it.

"Probably doesn't...but it helps" He answered.

I leaned back on my wicker chair and closed my eyes. I thought of Rob. I thought of Rob when I first met him. I thought about our first kiss. I thought about our friendship. I thought about the time he first told me of his feelings towards me, his guitar, his songs, his dreams and ambitions. I thought about how we made love for long long hours, slowly, passionately and insatiably. I thought about how wonderful those years were. I thought about his stupid jokes that never fails to cheer me up...and how I badly miss them right now. I thought about how he told me that he was very proud of me, how he told me he loved me, how he loves everything about me. I thought about how beautiful it would be to grow old with my best friend. I thought about almost losing him and the joy of him coming back. I thought about him now...and wonder...and wonder if he's sharing those with somebody else.

He's with someone else now. I love him so much still but he's with someone else now.

My tears started to fall, my chest heaved and I was just there lying back on the wicker chair my eyes still closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I felt Cj lay a hand on my shoulder.

"Do you think she makes him happy?" I asked between sobs. I had to know. I had to know that wherever Robert is, he is happy.

"I don't know" Cj whispered.

I glanced at him. He was silent and looking down now.

"She probably does, Rob wouldn't date someone unless he's serious about them...If I'm sure of anything, it's that." I said. I don't know who I was convincing, myself or Cj.

"Then she probably does make him happy"

I closed my eyes. Yes. Rob smiling again. What I'd give to make him smile like that again. That was all I needed to hear.

"Cj?"

"Yeah?"

"I may not be over him yet...but Rob is happy. He deserves to be happy..." I silently admitted while my heart shattered into pieces yet again.

I can take the pain as long as he's happy.

It's a fair bargain.


	43. Chapter 42 : Fallin' out

**November 2015, Los Angeles**

"So tell me, what's this new place I heard you got?" Derek, a friend asked me while we were having a dinner and beer out with the group this saturday night.

It's one of those days again where I go out indifferent and go home too drunk to care. Why does LA do this to me? It's like there's a need to be constantly inebriated, I was quite aware I had been going out like this since 2014, partying till the wee hours. It's this instead of that big empty hole gaping in my chest that needs to be filled with women and alcohol.

"Rob. You still alive, Man?" Derek's voice reminded me of my present occupation, finishing my 3rd bottle of beer.

"Sorry. I just remembered something. What were you asking?" I asked. I really do need to cut back on this drinking and concentrate more on my friends, they are after all why I came tonight.

"They said you bought a new place! Where is it?" Derek asked again, now in a louder voice because the music was louder than the usual.

Oh. He was asking me about my new place. Should I tell? There's really no harm to it if I did, he probably wouldn't have remembered it anyway.

"Somewhere near Mulholland...it's the one readily available" I shrugged, trying not to call more attention to this topic.

"That's great! We could probably hang out there one of these days!" He declared, gaining approval from the group around the table.

"Naaaaah...Michelle Branch won't like that..." I reasoned. Yes, Michelle is my neighbor, again.

They just laughed it off and forgotten about it like I predicted. Who wants to hang out in that house anyway, it was far too big, and far too homey? Besides, it was temporary. It was a last-minute decision that surprised not only me, but everyone in my team also. The truth is, I really don't have any plans of sharing my new address to my friends and family. They would draw a completely different conclusion.

I don't know what came over me. I just knew I had to have it again, it was a very masochistic move considering the circumstances, but there was no hold backs. I had to have 2666 Aberdeen again.

"And look who's here to liven up the party!" Derek's voice boomed through my thoughts, even the loud music can't contain it.

"Hey Derek." The new guy greeted. I would recognize that voice anywhere now.

I turned to greet the newcomer, Nicholas, that friggin bastard.

"Hey Nic..." I said as casually as I can, as he set out for the place in front of me.

Kristen has to be here then, they seem to be together every time I encounter them in party like these. Does she really have to trail after him? That thought that they're connected by the hip now suddenly made me seethe.

"Robert...you're here too." Nic nodded to my direction as he sat. There was no qualms to this guy, no hesitation or caution. I can't wait to wipe that smug look of his face once I get her back.

"Of course, we run the same circles my friend." I replied. I couldn't be any smoother, I congratulated myself.

He smirked and turned to the guy next to him and started chatting. Now that he's distracted, I slowly excused myself from the group.

A few turns inside the place and I'd probably find her with the girls. So, I methodically went to every room, checking every table hoping to see the familiar streak of brown hair or that mischievous glint in her green eyes.

My search was fruitless, apparently she chose this night to get detached.

Aaah Kristen, how clever. Always finding a way to keep your distance.

That thought sobered me up.

Instead of going back to the my group, I casually turned around and head for the terrace to catch a smoke break, but not before I passed by Nicholas and a friend on the bar waiting for a drink to be served. They couldn't possibly see me from my place, but it lent me acoustic advantage. I didn't even know why I'm suddenly eavesdropping, but I think I just heard them mention Kristen.

"But Kristen mentioned she was coming. Lilah was asking." The other guy said.

"She couldn't come." Nic replied, almost a whisper. It was difficult to hear.

"Aww too bad. I can't believe she missed Lilah's birthday" the other guy replied, dejection clearly in his voice.

I shook my head. The ass, if she doesn't want to come, she won't. These people are nuts sometimes.

"No don't take it the wrong way. Kristen wanted to, trust me, but..." Nic defended.

I raised my brows at that hesitation as I settled myself on the wall at the corner of the bar hidden from their view, slowly taking draughts from my beer as I heightened up my senses. But what?

"but we had a little falling out..." Nic continued. "I'm sure Lilah will understand"

As I heard those words, I almost dropped my bottle of beer on the floor. Falling out? Falling out! Damn it if it wasn't the best news he's heard for weeks!

I smiled remembering her softening to my kiss the other night, her breathless moan as I nibbled her ear and kiss her neck. The only problem was actually almost forcing her to open up to his kisses which she didn't take kindly. All this time, it had him worried that he'll propel her into Nic's arms because of one drunken experiment. He was wrong, and he couldn't be any happier because of that.

This falling out may have rooted from that other night, from his little dance with her under the moonlight, just to remind her that what they had, was the best.

Yes, I still think we're the best, Kristen.

With that in mind, I smiled to myself, finished my beer and went back to the group to start saying my excuses.

I had to leave. I had to see her. I need to see her again, but I know I can't just go barging into her house like this.

Tomorrow, I'll see her and the dogs tomorrow. My heart soared thinking about them.

Finally, LA is starting to feel like home again.


	44. Chapter 43 : Aberdeen

**December 2015, Los Angeles**

"So, Is the guest of honor coming?" Tom teased as he patiently took sips of his Bourbon.

He and his little family were here for the holidays and he was one of the stops.

"What guest of honor?" I asked while observing the catering staff field hors d'oeuvre to the milling guest in the patio.

I was having a little get together for the people in the industry, and it was a first after I took hold of this house again.

The big spanish colonial was an endearing property near the golf course, one would think I purchased it because of that. They wouldn't know I was purchasing it again for the memories it held for me, those were the real treasure.

It was only proper I throw a bash as expected. This wasn't one of my usual parties, but it was wise to do this once in a while for people you used to work with, and people you would want to work with in the future.

Tom laughed. "Aside from the guest of honor, whose presence we're still waiting for, I still cannot get over the fact that you have a catering staff handle this," he continued. He was still berating him for not getting a proper hostess to handle the party. He was confident enough to think he can handle this one without a woman in charge.

"Sir, We have a problem with the wines" One of the busboy approached him, to Tom's amusement, speaking of.

"What problem?" I asked, praying it wasn't anything not listed in his repertoire.

"Well..."

"I think I just saw a film director wave at me...excuse me" Tom started as he made a hasty get away, leaving him to face this one on his own. Damn it. He should have gotten a hostess.

"The additional batch can't make it tonight, Sir" The boy informed him.

"So when are they gonna make it? Tomorrow?" I replied sarcastically.

That was uncalled for. He was feeling a little snappish and in the brink of losing his patience, and he can read it in the boy's face how sorry he was. He was the appointed one to deliver the unfortunate news, and has been doing it the entire night for a multitude of things you wouldn't believe a party as small as this is capable of.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to offend." I hastily apologized as I mentally cursed myself. "Is there anything I can-"

"I think I can help?"

I turned.

I turned to look at the woman in the red gown who was casually leaning on my kitchen door frame.

Apparently, the guest of honor has arrived, and she was slaying dragons already.

She smiled at me, and I can't help but smile back. She looked very much at home.

"And I thought you were never gonna come..." I murmured, my heart beating at triple rhythm.

"Shut up." She jokingly scolded as she made her way past me and signaled the boy to come with her.

I stared, and sighed, and stared longingly again at her retreating form. That woman, how many times does she have to take away my breath before she manages to kill me?

"Wipe your saliva, Robert" Sienna whispered right behind me.

I instinctively reached up to my mouth. Of course, there wasn't any truth to that. I glanced at Sienna, now beside me. She came in the kitchen with Kristen, and it was very typical and male of me to not notice her as my hormones zone-in to the only woman.

"Very funny, Sienna." I narrowed my eyes at her smug smile. She was having way too much fun in my expense.

"I heard somebody is not exclusively dating someone lately" She continued to tease.

"If you were referring to Kristen and Nicholas, it is none of my business." I glumly replied.

"Oh really? So it's totally okay for Nicholas to be here tonight then?" She asked.

"What? He's here?! He wasn't invited." I suddenly exclaimed.

"Lower your hackles. I was just kidding." Sienna said while stifling her laugh.

I turned away from her as I saw Tom pass by the hallway.

"Thomas! Control your woman!" I called to him, I was done with Sienna for tonight, I left her in the kitchen while she finished laughing off the entire episode.

I made my way to the corner front yard where I know where Kristen was.

There, in conversation with the head caterer, she was like a lodestone for this lonely heart.

I silently watched her as she handled everything smoothly. I knew the caterer was glad for her sudden presence than having to be stuck with me tonight, words wouldn't be enough to thank her later.

She was like a vision in red. Fleeting from one room to another as she greeted some of his guest who were also friends of hers. They would be asking a lot of questions about their current arrangements, but business is business, they really don't let tabloid concerns get to them.

She would discreetly arrange a flower setting, then would ask someone if he needs more wine or food. Everywhere he turns tonight, she was the only thing he can see. She was at home again. It was so nostalgic of the better days he wanted to cry out in unmet frustration. All his concentration to tamp down his obvious feelings, and longing, all those efforts down the drain.

Damn it Kristen. Damn it.

"Dying to have her in your arms again, Rob?" Sam said beside me. He was casually watching me the entire time as my eyes follow her around the place.

"Hmm? What? I was just noticing how David is so invested with that new guy" I shrugged, trying to displace Sam's observations.

"Think twice Rob." Sam warned before he stood up and went somewhere else.

I sighed. Some of my friends have questioned the wisdom of going back to Los Angeles again. They kind of knew that there was only one thing that keeps me coming back to this city, and some of the opinionated ones doesn't like it.

Sometimes, I would rather them not have opinions at all. Especially now, when I'm questioning my sanity myself.

I downed my scotch as I try to dismiss any negative thoughts. I was perfectly fine and full of hope before Sam shattered it all with just a line.

Now, I'm not even sure of anything anymore.

I sneaked a last glance at the woman who had me wrapped around her fingers as I told my heart to slow down and think twice.

Think twice, I told myself again and again. It was like a never-ending echo. I frowned, I could kill Sam for this.

* * *

AN: Hey guys, I have this poll going on my Author Bio Page and I would really appreciate it if you can pass by and drop your votes. It's about Baby Thomas' paternity.

Thank you thank you thank you for being patient and awesome about everything. I know it's taking a lot of time for me to update and I love hearing from you and I'd be really glad if you can also PM me some of your opinions and comments to help the story along.


	45. Chapter 44 : In Her Defense

**January 2018, Los Angeles**

"Okay, you guys take a break for now. We'll do the friendly part in a while and I mean it when I say I want you friendly!" Katy lectured as she stood arms akimbo in front of me and Kristen while were sitting next to each other on the park bench.

It's another day of filming her music videos in this cold January, but it's one of the last ones for this month. I swear this music video takes so much of me than my other films.

"Are you two listening?" Katy asked, her eyes narrowing at our indifferent faces.

"I promise to be friendly." I automatically answered.

I glanced at Kristen who looked askance at me before shrugging.

"Whatever." She mumbled before fishing for something in her pocket.

We watched Katy walk back to her little tent to talk to some crew. Our assistants were now rushing to us ready for any wardrobe adjustments or any needs.

I signaled mine to turn back while I shake my head at him. Kristen's assistant, seeing it also, stopped hesitantly before looking to her.

"Hello? Yeah. We're on a break right now." She conversed on her phone.

Her assistant, seeing she was busy she turned back with mine.

Ah good. Now I can get started on those friendly terms Katy was so hyped about.

I looked at her shaking her leg and frowning to whoever she was talking to.

"Are you sure you guys are fine? What's he up to right now? Make sure to keep him away from the little stuff, he might swa- I know! I'm not lecturing you! Cam! Cameron Listen! Li- I'm sorry! Okay fine! Could you at least make sure he doesn't crawl out of the dog door again? Okay. I'll check again later. Bye"

She sighed as she dropped the call. I can't help but glance at her screen as she slowly lowered it to her lap. On it was Baby Thomas who was happily clapping his hands, and of course, a laughing Nicholas was cradling him on top of his knees. The pain was instant, it wasn't even something you'd expect, it was like a zap, sharp but gone in a second. I don't even know why the picture made me react like that. I've seen a couple more at her house, but on her phone, I remember a completely different picture of me with Jella. This was ridiculous. I grimaced unconsciously and tried to hide it, tried to seem unfazed.

Unfortunately, she caught me looking and she did catch the reaction too. Must be why she shut it off immediately and stashed it back in her pocket and smiled brilliantly at me.

"Where were we?" She asked cheerfully, and I knew she was just trying when she was really bursting with curses inside.

I narrowed my eyes at her. I can't believe we're back to a point in our lives where she can't even curse or rail about someone in front of me. Zap, there it goes again.

Damn it. Nobody prepared me for this.

"Are you okay?" I asked. I knew she was worried earlier about Thomas.

"Hmm? I'm fine. I was just checking on the little dude back home" She said with a smile.

"So Cameron's the one who's baby sitting him right now?" I inquired, an eyebrow raised.

She scoffed and looked back at me. "Trust me, he's really good with him."

"Really? We can't even leave the dogs to him before." I blurted out.

Her expression was priceless. We have never brought it up, that elephant of our past relationship. We might have mentioned little things these past few days but it was never as direct as this one comparison.

"I can't believe you just said that." She said with a straight face. I hesitated. Is she pissed or about to laugh?

"But it's true...he even forgot to feed them. I remember you saying 'never again," She started shaking her head at me. "Don't try to deny it."

"Those were dogs, this is a baby we're talking about. I don't think Cam would forget his nephew!" She defended. Her face incredulous after my judgment.

"Uh huh...you say that now..." I continued to egg her, not even caring that I didn't have much of a point.

She thinned her lips at me. She was rethinking, of course, I know that face. I know it better than anyone else. I also recognized it when she was about to give in to me. She always did at the end.

"Shut up" She gritted. I laughed. "Anyway, If he ever did, I would freaking lynch him."

I guffawed. I miss moments like these, with her telling me to shut up, and her stubbornness too. "I don't think you could take him on. You threatened so many times before." I smirked at her.

She scoffed again. "Yeah right, and if I can't. He'll get it from Nic." She stated with a very convinced smile on her face.

That silenced me.

"Huh. I don't think he can take him on too." I answered. Yeah, I seriously don't think he can handle him. Cam's a freak when challenged.

She turned to look at me so fast with that offended look on her face, I almost didn't catch it when it turned to belligerent.

"Don't underestimate Nic. He can be quiet, but he has a temper, and you don't want to see it." She said with all her seriousness.

For a moment I thought she was warning me, but Kristen challenged is Kristen not backing down. She would use everything in her arsenal. I find it frankly invigorating right now. I was crazy.

"You just say that..." I said with a little dismissing hand gesture.

"Me, and the paparazzi he has knocked down a couple of times" She said. I glanced at her, there was no mistaking that softening look she has in her eyes.

Fuck, way to go Rob, way to amp up the other one.

"Knocked down?! He's crazy that's for sure. You can't go knocking down people because you feel like it." I said in a disbelieving tone.

"He was just defending me." She answered back as she stood up. Before she walked away she looked back. "But of course, that's beneath you." Then she walked away.

She walked away and I sat there feeling like the douchiest guy in the world. Fuck Nicholas. I should have never started that conversation, I ended up sounding like a jealous boyfriend again, only to be set down in the most honest way possible.

"What the fuck did just happen?" Katy asked accusingly while pointing to Kristen who was walking back to her tent. " I thought we agreed on friendly?"

"Shut up Katy" I said to her surprised face and ran after Kristen. She has to listen, I did try to defend her, so many times I wanted to. I just need her to know that.

I was desperate for her to know that.

* * *

AN: Gaah im so sorry for taking too long to update. I promise to squeeze all the juices in my brain for the next one. Peace!


	46. Chapter 45 : In Her Defense 2

**January 2018, Los Angeles**

"Kristen, listen...I'm sorry if I brought it up" I said to her back. I chased her of course. She could hardly close the door in my face when there's no door to slam.

We were in her tent and she was stubbornly ignoring me while she was diligently stirring her cup of coffee.

"You're gonna upset your stomach if you stir that coffee any more than needed." I commented, just to get words out there. Just in case she'll take the bait and acknowledge me again.

"I'm not in the mood Rob." She mumbled.

There it goes. She did talk, only to say that. Unfortunately for her, I'm here to coax her out.

"I can go with any mood" I shrugged. Anything will do.

After a few more stirs, she stopped. Her stubborn shoulders dropped and she just stood there, her back still to me.

"I'm sorry if I said those words. I didn't mean them." She mumbled incoherently, but it was clear enough for me.

I sighed. I'm not sure if this topic was wise at all. The least I can do is explain to her some things that have kept me awake for so many nights before, all those regrets of the past that I wish I could do something about.

"There isn't anything I can do now to change that impression...I know. I only got myself to blame. I could have done better for you. I just wish..." I said, trying to get everything out there.

She turned to look at me, leaving her coffee at the counter top and crossing her arms in front of her.

"You're right. Whatever those were before, we'll leave it there where it belongs, in the past." She agreed. I scanned her face, her guard was up. Like me, topics like these always had us both defensive and vulnerable, and we both don't like it.

I looked at her again, weighing options of chances in my mind. I'd never be able to get it out there again if I don't do this now. There's nothing more I want than to make her understand how I'm a better person now. I want to disprove her previous impressions. I want her to see me in a good way again.

"We could at least get this one out now..." I almost whispered, doubting my convictions again.

She stood there looking at me, she hasn't looked at me this long since we saw each other again. I suddenly fidgeted, running my hands through my hair. I probably shouldn't bring it up yet.

Her eyes softened. She turned to get her coffee but stopped midway. "Do you want one?" She asked.

"No...it's fine, I'm okay." I replied.

"I'll make you one anyway." She said. Aahh. Someone is restless. I smiled a little, at least. Relief flows through me again.

It amuses me how easily I remember her mannerisms even until now. I just shrugged. I prefer her making my coffee over anyone any day.

She made herself busy while I just sat there observing her. Why does she look so pale? She looked so tired lately. Hasn't she been getting enough sleep? It must have been the baby keeping her up and having to do house chores also. I have to ask her assistant about this, see if someone can lighten her load.

"Here, just the way you like it." She settled a mug in front of me then sat herself across. She gave me a tight smile and slowly took sips from her own mug. I realized she was waiting for me to speak up.

"So what made Nicholas punch them?" I asked. Yep, I just threw it out there, I'd probably regret this later. Although, that question has been niggling me ever since she brought it up a while ago.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about how this man had been able to do something I wasn't able to do for her back then, how I failed her then.

"It was before. Some wise ass made a comment about me, wasn't nice" She shrugged. "It's not new...I've heard it a thousand times, like how much of a tramp I was. Nicholas...well he heard it loud and clear and somehow we were just talking about it that same night..." She continued, but I did notice the gradual loss of confidence in what she's explaining. "I'm only human Rob, there's a limit to what I can easily ignore. There are nights when I'm too sensitive that they actually get to me...you know that."

"Of course..." I whispered back. My self-hatred slowly brewing inside of me.

"So you see, he threw a punch that surprised everybody." She finished with a little smile to herself. A smile of triumph, or affection? No, I have to stop thinking about it that way.

"I guess you walked away laughing?"I can imagine her glee. How hard can it be to defend her? I could've risk reputation and brought that smile on her face. It could've been me.

"Actually no...I ended up trying to pry him from the poor guy...the last thing I would want is for him to injure himself and have it all over the paper." She said.

A scene like that probably did make it to the tabloids. He was probably too busy ignoring life then, no wonder he didn't see it.

"Good for him" I said while I finished my coffee in a few gulps. "Any more heroism that I haven't heard?"

She giggled a little, a private joke maybe. "Nothing you need to know."

"I'd like to hear more..." I forced a smile.

"Whatever for?" she asked.

"Well...I might find myself in situations like that with you, I could at least imitate the great Nicholas." I said, making sure my eye wandered then, it will roll if I won't.

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Now, you're just being an ass" she said as she stood up, prepared to walk out on me again.

Damn it. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

"I'm sorry" I said before she could leave. "I was just kidding, and you're right, I'm an asshole."

She stopped just at the entrance to her tent, ready to leave him to his thoughts again.

"Rob..." She started.

"Nic is a good man." I said as I stood up and approached her to stand beside her spot. Her face was close to mine, she was close enough that I can see the sprinkle of those freckles on her pale skin, such beautiful skin. I sighed. What I'd give...

She did look up to look at me, maybe wondering what liberty I was about to take. I would take if I could. Now, I just settled to reaching out and tucking a stray hair back into place. I didn't deserve her back then, there was no question about it.

"Rob..." She started as I laid my hand on her cheek.

"...and Nic's damn lucky too. I envy him for being able to defend you." I stated before she could stop me.

Her face colored. Aah. A blush for me. Welcome warmth suffused my heart. I smiled at her, then before I left, I made sure to drop a kiss on her forehead.


	47. Chapter 46 : Koi Ponds

**December 2015, 2666 Aberdeen, Los Angeles**

I've been sitting here at the pool area for a good full hour already. Earlier, I had someone to talk to, a random director or producer or somebody else in the industry.

It was good. They were a big help. Especially now, considering the fact that the party was held in what I used to consider home. Considering that the person I used to share it with was also here.

Past memories, good and bad, jumbled in my mind. I clenched my fist then squeezed my eyes shut, as if to prevent them from flashing like unwanted scenes in a tragic movie. It doesn't completely eradicate it coz something would come through the barrier, may it be something too precious or something too painful.

I opened my eyes after a few moments and stared at the scenery in front of me. It was a view of the sparkling lights of LA at night, and of course the view of the party which was still going on albeit the lessened number of guests milling about.

I guess they won't be missing me anyway. I was up to my elbows in errands earlier, trying to smoothen out stuff that he forgot to cover for this impromptu party he threw. Typical Rob. Though there's just something so natural to casually fall into place and grab the reins in this party. I smile a little, I actually enjoyed it to be honest. It was my house anyway, the decor hardly changed, the same furniture, the same people...maybe only the feelings were gone. But, are they ever really?

I sighed and reached for the glass of wine I had on my side. Cheer up Kristen, the fact that you are present was a brave move already.

Is it ironic that it was only last month that I could hardly attend any party without Nic plastered to my side? That it was a comfort to have someone to run to when you try to run away from your past? Now, barely a few days without Nic and I'm attending one of Rob's parties.

Honestly, I don't even know what I was doing here. If he hadn't called her home phone to personally ask her to come, she probably wouldn't have.

Right now, I'm here and I'm gonna make the most out of it. I smiled at the low lighted garden set out sloping in front of me, there's our lil' koi pond we personally filled with our choices. How charming is it that the water flows down like a stream downhill to a smaller pond in their patio. It used to drive Bear nuts. I laughed to myself with the memory.

The weather was wonderful tonight, thank God. The guests were so many they'd crowd the house if it rains in the patio. I couldn't imagine salvaging that scenario. Rob would have to do it on his own. I probably would be there at the side cringing at his attempt.

I unconsciously cringed at the imaged. I blinked and realized I was all alone here at the top now. I glanced at the lighted pool and found it very inviting.

I stood up from my recliner and slowly took my heels off, then approached the pool at the shallow part. Slowly, I took a seat on the cold stone and one by one lowered my legs to the warm water.

Aaah. Wonderful. How I would love a night-time swim, if only. I laid back with my arms supporting behind me, head thrown, eyes closed, smile on my lips, then stayed that way for a good couple of minutes. I miss this place so much.

"Care for a swim?" The familiar deep voice startled me from my reverie.

I spun around and found the object of my imaginations sitting on the beach chair I just vacated.

"Rob!" I said, acknowledging him.

"Go ahead, there's no time better." He smiled encouragingly.

I looked at him from head to toe. How did he manage to sneak behind my back without making a sound? I could've been murdered and I wouldn't have known. I grimaced then remembered he was good at it since then.

"No, thank you. As you can see, I'm not properly garbed." I replied as I pull my legs back up out of the water and slowly stood up from my place.

He stood up the same time I did. Robert in a tux was a sight to see, no matter how many times I've seen him in it, he will forever managed to make my knees weak.

His eyebrows rose and for a moment I thought I read his mind. "I distinctly remember you not needing any garb at all" He said as I blushed to my toes.

Oh yes, skinny dipping, we devoted days and nights to this fave hobby of ours back then, in this pool too. I glanced at the pool and then at him. He was smiling, he probably figured out what I was thinking.

"It's very naughty of you to bring that up." I reprimanded, but I think that went the wrong way also when that familiar glint in his eyes flashed at my choice of words.

Suddenly I realized that my blush has spread all over my body, to certain parts better left ignored for now. I remember those dips in the pool on how it started so innocent then turned so rated it curls my toes just thinking about it.

I was too preoccupied to protest when he slowly closed the space between us.

"If I can make you blush like that again, I'd love to be naughty the entire time." He almost whispered.

Oh, My God. Rob what are you doing to me? My mind flashed to that incident last month when he kissed me at that party. But, he was drunk then, so I don't know if it counts. Was he drunk now?

"I think you had too much wine." I stated.

"And you had too little..." He teased. I swallowed, my mind is screaming for me to scram, like a warning signal that the person in front of me burns, and has burnt me before. My heart and my body were fickle things though. I wanted him so much it hurts. No rational thoughts can save me now.

Before I knew it, he had an arm curled up in my waist and resting on my ass as he brought me closer to him. The clingy red dress wasn't help enough, his body heat seared me through it. My mind was self-destructing, my body was completely ignoring it. My hands clenched, unclenched, undecided if I should slap him or lay it on his cheeks. My eyes were trained on his face, a million questions on my lips I wouldn't be able to voice out as he hypnotize me with his.

I knew then that this was the point of no turning back, that I either have to dive in and let go or bail out, which was the last thing I want. I want him back. I want him back badly.

"I'm gonna kiss you now..." He whispered before he lowered his lips unto mine.

Oh god. It was just like I remembered, it was like the one we used to share before. Now that I was completely compliant, there was no molecule in my body that was protesting. His lips molded mine, soft pressure to hard. His head accommodating every movement, like a sensual dance. His tongue begged for an entrance as it traced my lower lip. I stubbornly refused to open, enjoying the game he's playing. Realizing I was playing coy, he bit me. I hear a moan and realized it was my own. I instinctly raised my hands to curl around his neck, my body highly sensitized as I flatten myself to his torso, to bring myself closer to him. I need him, I need him like air.

"Kristen..."He mouthed in between kisses. "God...you feel so wonderful" He said as he pulled out.

"Stop talking!" I gasped as I pulled him to me again while he laughed his signature laugh.

We clawed at each other like two hungry animals, lips were mashing, tongues were clashing, his side burns abrading my sensitive skin. My hands were inside his shirt which I managed to pull out of his pants, trying to get a feel of his heat, curling my fingers to that familiar sprinkle of hair on his chest. He was desperately trying to mold my body to his hands, failing completely for my dress was too tight. He growled in frustration and bit me on the neck earning a generous moan from me again.

"Rob...oh my god" I cried.

He clawed at my dress again, pulling, pinching, then raking his hands on my back. He broke off and held me at arm's length.

"I swear to god your dress is gonna be the death of me..." He said before stealing another kiss. "I have to get you out of it now."

He swooped in again to continue ravishing me, I didn't mind, I was too busy enjoying my senses explode because of him. His last statement though had me thinking. Now, I realized that I wouldn't be able to get out of this ensemble without the proper help and of course, the proper area. The pool area doesn't count. We needed the bedroom.

That's when it hit me. There was a party going on.

I hastily pushed Rob off of me again as he cried out in unmet frustration.

"The party!" I managed to say.

"I don't care." He dismissed as he pulled me closer again.

I held steady and averted my face. No matter how much I wanted it too, it couldn't happen here where everybody was able to see us. I'm not prepared for that yet. My heart hammered in my chest, my lips were a little sore and I think tears were forming behind my eyes. God, this man had me going from a scared insecure woman to a wanton seductress with his kisses tonight.

"Babe listen...I want it so much too...It's just..." I stopped then looked down to the patio and still see some guests lounging on the couch.

I looked back and saw the intent firmly cemented. He has made up his mind and there was no backing out.

He held me on both arms then suddenly turned me to face the house which confused me for a second, then a loud rip broke the silence at our spot. The cold air that hit my back confirmed my suspicions.

I was a goner, and so was my Chanel dress.

Before I could protest he jumped in the pool with me clutched to him. I barely had time to secure air before we both hit the water with a loud splash. I scrambled to the surface as soon as I was able to, desperately holding the dress to cover me, which was a futile attempt, for I need my hands to keep afloat. So there I was, stark naked and sexually frustrated for I don't know if I should be annoyed with him for deliberately taking my choice away or hugely turned on with his masculine display.

"Holy shit Rob!" I almost screamed as I glared at his laughing face a few feet from me.

He was slowly taking his clothes off at the shallow part of the water. He was naked on the top having shucked his dress shirt easily. Now, he was reaching for his pants, and there it went too, along with his undergarments, a soggy mess on the edge of the pool.

I glanced back at him. He was smirking as he swam closer.

"They probably heard the splash we just made." I said. I don't know why I was reminding him when I wanted this badly to happen.

"They wouldn't be able to check and find out." He murmured back as he pulled my hand and successfully dragged me to him. Flesh suddenly meets flesh and my senses exploded. "I locked the gate to the garden anyway." He winked.

My mouth dropped. He knew I was here, that I was alone.

"Don't be surprised. I wanted you ever since..." He whispered. "I only had to find a way to have you back again.

Then just like that, as if nothing else ever mattered, the world fell away and we're back to our bubble again.

Back together again...just like that.

* * *

Anyway, in the real world, Kudos to Kristen for being top pick as BEST SUPPORTING PERFORMANCE for NYFF2014...Cannes then TIFF now THIS!

A lovely commendation! But of course, we knew this for a long time now!

Keep Slaying BB Girl! Wishing you all the love in the world! 3


	48. Chapter 47 : Hesitations

**December 2015, Los Angeles**

"Isle of Wight" I said while watching the smile appear on her face.

"Shut up!" She said before bursting out laughing. "Seriously?"

I laughed at her priceless reaction. We were having lunch at her place where she cooked for me and I just asked her to come with me for the holidays. Of course, we had fond memories of the island and it'll be great to share it with her again.

"Yes, seriously." I replied while grabbing her left hand and kissing her knuckles.

Ever since that night in the pool, we were practically inseparable. All day, all night, I can't remember feeling this great for the past year. It was everything.

"God! I miss Isle of Wight so much!" She sighed and continued to pick on her plate.

I just looked at her, contented to watch her there in front of me, eating; there in front of me, smiling to herself. It seems like she was caught up in her own happy thoughts like I was.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered asking as I rubbed my thumbs over her knuckles and finger trying to get her attention again.

"Nothing." She looked up and smiled at me. "Nothing in particular"

I smiled back at her as I stood up and took the used dishes to the dishwasher. She followed behind with some of the other stuff we had cluttered at the kitchen. It was very domestic and peaceful, it was like the old days again. Except now, we were high with the pleasure we were giving to each other, physical yes, it was very physical, but over-all, I just miss my friend so damn fucking much. I love that we're able to talk comfortably again, and if awkward silence ensues, I actually already have the option to kiss her nuts and avoid those entirely.

"Rob...will it be okay with...you know..." she haltingly said. The note of hesitation evident in her voice.

"What will?" I automatically answered.

"Well.." she started as I see her turn to me while I was rinsing the plates on the sink. "Clare and Richard...they're aren't exactly you know..." She continued.

I turned to her with a questioning look.

"with me...remember?" She had that eyebrow raised again, and of course, it's only proper that she brought this up.

"Don't worry." I answered as I went on with my task, "we aren't exactly gonna pass by Barnes..."

"Oh...okay" I thought I heard disappointment in her reaction, but she gave me a wide toothy smile as I turned to her. "That's great! I think I'll go pack some stuff and call somebody to take in the dogs again while we're away."

Before I knew it, she was rushing upstairs to her room already. Kristen easily is a kid with her sense of excitement. I smiled as I thought of a thousand ways to make the trip worthwhile.

Too bad I can't pass by Barnes with her with me.

* * *

A/N:

I'm sorry that it's really short. The next few chapters are crucial plotwise and I'm trying to come up with a very satisfying one coz i don't want to disappoint you guys. CRAZY coz your comments are tearing me up! Hahah i love your support anyway. I hope you guys are patient enought to stick with me, coz it might be slow, but I promise to keep it coming.

(IT WILL BE A BIG HELP IF YOU CAN DROP BY MY FANFICTION BIO PAGE AND DO THE POLL I HAVE THERE FOR THOMAS' PATERNITY. )

thank you thank you thank you!


	49. Chapter 48 : Apple Tree Lodge

**December 2015, Shanklin, Isle of Wight**

Me and Rob flew to the isle via private jet, he insisted on it. I was excited and didn't really mind even if we had to fly commercial, but I totally understand that we need to keep things underwrap for now. People wouldn't understand.

I glanced at him, his hand was on the wheel, and the other was holding mine. I warmed at the little smile he had on his face.

To be honest, even I wasn't sure what this really was. We haven't really talked about it yet. Though whatever we have going on right now, there was no denying that it was where we are meant to be. It was kismet, yes, kismet.

"What are you smiling about?" He turned to ask and I blushed, embarrassed to be caught day dreaming.

"It's a lovely day and I like it very much." I smiled at him. I also thought about you, that one I didn't say.

We were driving to the lodge that we rented for the holiday. It was in a small resort village, and the lodge was located near the beach. It was a perfect escape, perfect place to start anew and learn each other again.

We've only been back for two weeks but we rarely had time to talk about what we have going on, but what's to talk about when we're too busy enjoying moments.

"We're here" he said. I glanced out of the window and took in two-storey brick cottage with the white mullioned windows and door. It was beautiful as expected, right out of the story book.

"It's adorable Rob..." I giggled as I got out and scanned the area. I can see the beach and a cliffy part that overlooked a part of the village. There was a well-tended garden surrounding the house too.

I sighed at the sight. Before I could turn to thank him for taking me here I felt his arms wrap around my waist, my back to him.

"Anything for you..." he said as he kissed my hair and nuzzled my neck.

I blushed again, basking in the attention he was showering on me. Everything was forgotten, I was suffused with warmth. He was everything and the only thing that mattered to me right now.

"Let's go inside, babe..." He whispered after giving me a long kiss at the garden.

"Okay." I easily said. He can make me agree to anything he wanted right now if he tried.

"I can't wait to show you the kitchen...it was rented with you in mind." He laughed as he kissed my hand that he was holding.

It was wonderful. It was perfect. It was bliss. He showed me around the little lodge and he had a tree waiting for us, yet to be decorated. It was pristine, new sheets, expensive china, and of course, the privacy of having it all to ourselves, away from the prying eyes of our public lives.

We christened the sheets with our pleasure, making love in the middle of the day, into the night and in the wee hours of the morning.

The next few days flew in a daze. We would get up late where I would make us breakfast, then we would go down to the beach for a quick cold swim, or paddling. He taught me before, but we never really gotten round doing it in Malibu. Shanklin made that possible. In the afternoons we would go down to the village and visit shops. The people were nice and very respectful, no pictures were taken, or maybe because we time it when the other tourist would be at their cottage napping. So far, nobody discovered us yet. It was perfectly okay.

At night we would have dinner that I made and then cuddle under the moonlight at the back porch, drinking wine and making out until we make each other crazy. Sometimes we wouldn't even make it to our bedroom. It's as if we're trying to make up for lost time.

Somehow for the past few days, no words were still spoken, only glances at each other, a touch here and there, a sweet kiss now and then, but still, no words, not yet.

There are times that I was bursting with the words inside me that I wanted to shout it to the world. This man right here is the one I want to spend my whole life with. I love this man so much I'll wither and die without him. I'd be empty without his love. The poet in me was restless, I actually started writing down lines in a little notebook that I bought in the village the other day. I kept it from Rob of course, it's like keeping unsent love letters from your childhood crush.

Love, there's so many things I could say about love. I had you once and then I lost you, and now I have you back again and forever.

Forever? I glance at Rob who was reading a book right next to me. We were at the porch sunning ourselves. I smiled at the comfort that I felt at the thought of him and forever, it's synonymous ever since.

It was a day after Christmas and we're flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow. I frowned. I wish we could stay here longer. Dinner last night was bittersweet for me, we made slow passionate love as if he also knew what I was thinking. Our days here at the island were counted but I was hoping it wouldn't fade just like that once we get back. I didn't want to go back to reality. There was a little part of me that was worried that I might lose Rob, like he was just one blissful week-long dream.

What was I scared about? He was happy, and I'm happy. We could handle this.

"I've been meaning to tell you something." He said as he set aside the book he was reading.

"Yeah?" I turned to him as I close my notebook and stashed it behind me.

"I have to pass by London after this." He said while he stood up and stretched in front of me.

"That's okay...I'll just stay in the hotel while you're out" I smiled at him, enjoying the free show I was getting while he was stretching his muscles.

He stopped, laughed and slowly approached me, sandwiching me between his knees as he leaned down to ruffle my hair and kiss the top of my head.

"Nope...I have to go alone, while you go take that sexy ass of yours back to LA" He explained.

"What? Wh..." I reacted and stopped myself. "Oh...I understand."

I didn't go on and ask for an explanation. Somehow I knew it was a line I'm not supposed to cross yet. No matter what history we have, I still need to take baby steps in our current situation. I'm scared, and trying my best to be cautious, but my heart says otherwise, and I'm always about feelings anyway. I trust him, I trust him to know what he was doing, and wherever he may take me, I'll gladly follow. I am too caught up, I'm already into deep again.

"Shh...babe. Look at me. I'll be back before you know it." He whispered then smiled as he pulled me up with him.

"Okay." I mumbled right before I succumbed to his kisses.

I'll wait. He promised to be back. Then we can start our lives all over again.

* * *

Sorry to keep you waiting guys. Hold on! The best update is yet to come...Lol.

BTW, Kristen's CAMP X-RAY is really good, had me crying and questioning everything, you guys should go watch it on VOD now. Yeey. Go Stew!


	50. Chapter 49 : Isle of Wight

**December 2015, Sandown Airport, Isle of Wight**

We were waiting at the private lounge at the private airstrip near Shanklin. His jet is flying in first, and mine would be an hour after. He was worried that I might get bored or anything, but I'm used to be the one staying while the other one flies somewhere, no pun intended.

We'll be seeing each other again after New Year's and I'm planning to redecorate the house already, although we haven't really talked about where to stay yet. I probably need to clarify this now.

"Babe, when you get back, are you gonna come stay with me?" I asked with no hesitation.

He laughed. "I haven't thought that far ahead" He turned and squeezed my hand that he was holding. I frowned automatically and he broke into a grin. "...but if that makes you happy then yes...I would love to stay with you and the dogs."

I hid my frown. "No, it's not like that. I don't want you to feel obligated or anything." I didn't want him to feel like I was rushing into things.

"I swear. You can't stop me from staying away from you anyway. I'd probably spend the night over at your place every time." He explained, convincing me.

My heart hammered and it was an exhilarating feeling looking forward to it. I missed him so much. I miss him already knowing I'm spending this entire week away from him.

My God, I spent a week with him here without even saying how I feel. He never said anything also. My chest constricted, and I was worrying my lip again.

"What's wrong?" He asked, noticing my sudden fidgeting.

I didn't need words to know that he returns my affection, but I never really thought I needed them this much at this moment.

"I...Rob..." I twisted to face him. Somehow I have difficulty expressing feelings lately. Fuck it. "I wish we could stay longer Rob..." I almost whimpered. I wish we didn't have to go back to our present lives.

His eyes softened. "I wish we could, you know that." He then hugged me to him tightly and I can hear his heart beating in his chest. I buried my face trying to quell any sobs.

"I don't wanna go back to LA...take me with you please" I mumbled feeling empty and suddenly depressed. I broke out from his hold and faced him, almost begging. "Please babe..."

He smiled and framed my face with his hands and bent down to give me a lingering kiss. Please, please take me with you Rob.

Somebody cleared his throat and we stopped and straightened ourselves. "Your jet is ready sir." The attendant said from the doorway.

"I'll be down in a moment." Rob told him.

This is it. It's now or never.

"Rob..." I held onto his hand.

"Kristen. We'll see each other when I get back, babe. I promise." He said as he hugged me and kissed my forehead again.

I couldn't. Somehow I couldn't say it. I wanted to kill myself. He's just gonna walk away again not knowing how much this week meant a lot to me.

He stood up and picked up his bag while I just sat there biting my lip and forcing a smile while I tried to look at his face. I can't look at his face, I didn't expect it to be this hard.

"Honey...I have to go." He said as he tried to pull me up from my chair. I refused to. Suddenly he was kneeling in front of me trying to catch my evading eyes. "Kristen...I'm sorry babe. I'll make it up to you okay? Take care of yourself." He said while I nod, still not looking. Why can't he just take me with him anyway? I could throw a full-blown tantrum at this lounge and he still wouldn't take me.

He sighed and stood up and dropped a kiss on my hair. "I love you..." he whispered, then he turned and walked away.

I froze. His words were so clear, and that was all it took before the damn broke and I buried my face in my hands and started sobbing. I couldn't look at him leaving...I didn't know why I didn't say it myself. I should've told him. I lifted my face and see an empty doorway. He didn't hear me break down of course.

I stood up and approached the glass pane and see if I could still catch a glimpse of him before he goes up the jet.

I see him walking the tarmac accompanied by an attendant, on his way to board the jet already. I bit my lip to stop myself from sobbing again. Suddenly he stopped and turned to say something to the attendant. He then gave him his bag and looked up to scan the building for me, he saw me then waved. I grinned and almost flattened myself to the window, waving back to him.

Then he started running back. What? What is he doing?

Suddenly I found myself rushing downstairs to the boarding area, through the departure doors. We almost bumped into each other.

"Rob!" I shouted. "What are you doing?!" I tried to get the words out after he hugged me to him tightly.

"Kristen..." He said as he kissed my forehead, my nose, my cheeks. "I'm sorry for taking my time to say it but I know that you know all along...you know how much I love you right?" He panted.

"Yes...yes!" I grinned. I can't help but grin. "I love you too...so much." I whispered back as I leaned up to kiss him.

"I might seem like an idiot for running back, but this can't wait until next year..." He started saying while I was still trying to catch my breath, my ears ringing.

"What is?" I asked confused. His face lit up and he framed my face again, bending down slowly to give me a chaste kiss.

He laughed at the confused expression on my face, then slowly went down on one knee.

"Kristen Jaymes Stewart...please do me the honour by consenting to be my wife..."

* * *

I hope I didn't mess this chapter up. Hey guys! Drop some comments when you feel like it...I'm all ears, especially those predictions of yours.

POLL on who Thomas' Dad is, still on-going at my Author Bio Page.


	51. Chapter 50 : Sunset Bikini

**February 2018, Malibu**

"Okay, I'll get in the water first..." I said to Katy as I toss my towel to my assistant and slowly walked towards the water and braved the cold temperature.

At least I had enough time to acclimate myself to the coldness of the water before Kristen gets out of her tent.

I wade in and went to the deeper part hiding a good half of my body below while the crew did last minute adjustments. Today, the beach shot was supposed to capture us in a romantic scene while the sun sets. It's 5 in the afternoon and we're rapidly losing light, so I'm expecting Kristen to show up in her bikini now.

Funny how it reminds me of a certain scene we did years ago for Breaking Dawn. Katy is a sly one.

Bikini and Kristen...dangerous waters.

I sighed and thank the gods for the cold water to cool me down. Where was she anyway?

"Oh God it's cold!" I hear her shout as I glanced back to the shoreline, she was still in her wrap and was dipping her toes in the water, probably testing it.

"Come on in!" I laughed, amused at her jumping up and down, trying to shake off the chills.

"Give me a minute! The water's freezing!" She shouted at me, her grimacing face made her look more adorable.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm." I grinned at her.

She narrowed her eyes at me and looked back to her assistant to nod. She must have made up her mind already coz she started untying the sash of her wrap there on the beach. Immediately, my heart started thudding in my chest, anticipating what was unfolding before my very eyes.

Jesus...was it just me or she looked heavier upfront than the last time I saw her? Kristen stripping in public should be illegal. I didn't notice how my jaw dropped, but then I caught myself and straightened. I was ogling her but I didn't give a damn. I glanced around to check if somebody saw me, but what I saw was men and women alike st aring at her perfection.

Okay, so I was not alone. I groaned at how she was still taking her time.

"Kristen! Get in the fucking water now!" I grumbled loud enough for her to hear.

I heard a loud shriek as she ran into the cold water, towards me, as if speed would help her get over the cold soon.

Before I knew it, she barreled right into my arms and I knew right then that I probably won't be leaving the water anytime soon without me solving a little problem that suddenly showed up. Damn it, the cold better keep it down, but it was hopeless. All his blood went that way.

"Gaaaaaaahhhh...I am freeeezing" She exhaled while rubbing her hands up and down her arms. She was trying to stop her teeth from chattering.

I just stared, stared at her, like an idiot. My hands studiously staying afloat, hating how it instinctively wants to grab somebody, someone, her.

Who was I kidding? I'm taking this opportunity.

"Rob..." She chattered and crowded close. "Let's get this over with." She said with a questioning smile before she slowly reached up to him shyly, as if in a gesture to hug him to her.

I swallowed, my throat was dry, my mind was in a daze, my eyesight hazy from the sudden desire that hit me full force. My hands found her skin like it was magnet. The feeling was like coming home again. She felt so right in my arms as I clutch her close to me.

"What did Katy say again?" I asked in a whisper.

She looked up questioningly but didn't hesitate to answer. "Just hold me then kiss me when the sun sets."

"That's easy" I grinned and pulled her closer and she wrap her arms around my neck while we wait for the losing light.

The beach was calm everyone was quiet, the sun was already at its descent and in a few minutes more I'd finally get to kiss her.

At last, I get to kiss her. I didn't know how much I needed it to happen until now.

Fuck my priorities, fuck London, Kristen in my arms and me kissing her was all that ever mattered.

I scrutinized her expression, mindful of the minute space between us, with her half-hugging me, we were flushed chest to chest to each other. I can't help but wonder if she noticed what I was sporting down below. It was unavoidable, it wasn't the first time between the two of us. I distinctly remember it happening even in our Twilight days. Aah...memories.

Even when I finally had her, that bad boy always salutes to attention with her around.

"Uh...Rob" I hear her clear her throat and realized she was eyeing me already.

Of course, I was busy salivating. I glanced to the horizon and realized it was time.

Her hands tightened on my shoulders and I felt one tangle in my hair, just like the old days.

I looked back at her and saw her flutter her eyes, she was staring intently on my lips like it was a lifeline.

I believe I'm not the only who needs this badly.

I groaned and surprised her as I lifted her up to me, where she automatically clung, legs on my hips, then I dove in.

Grasping her back and steadying her, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.

Sweet heaven, how did I go through years without this? I angled my head to properly kiss her and felt her eagerly returning my kisses. Kristen, such passion, that was all I can think about, she was all I could think about. I bit her lip and she opened, as I took the opportunity to seek what I wanted, her naughty tongue. Yes, it was like a dirty dance, our tongues sliding, and getting bitten, enjoying the simple carnal pleasure. Kissing Kristen was second nature.

I hear her moan as I pulled her tongue into my mouth, and held her head with one hand so I can properly kiss her. She wasn't going anywhere, but I was relentless. I was starving for her. I clutched her to me and she held on as my other hand wandered down, tracing her spine and landing on her bottom. "Fuck!" I managed to curse in between kisses as I held her ass and squeezed it. She moaned and broke off for a second taking deep breaths, I took the opportunity to trail kisses on her to jaw to her neck. She was like sunshine, my sunshine and I wanted her so badly at this moment. I never needed a bed so badly in my life. Fuck the bed, I can do her on the beach. I sucked on a soft part of her shoulder and I knew that was gonna leave a mark. Yes, I wanted to mark her everywhere, shoulder, breast, thighs, bottom. I was far gone.

The kisses wouldn't stop, we were both in heat and even the cold water couldn't handle it. I was thrust into the past again, to the days where I could make love to her every waking hour we had. I wanna make love to her, right here, right now. I felt her hand on mine, I realized that my hands on her bottom slowly was making its way to...

"Rob...Robert." I hear her moan my name and I swooped in to kiss her again. She was passion incarnate, my Kristen. I could devour her here and not care. "Rob..." She pushed a little and giggled as I licked her neck.

"Yeah?" I asked in a daze as I try to catch her evading lips.

She laughed and gave me a little peck on the side of my lips and slowly whispered, "Katy called cut" and I realized she was holding my hands and stopping it from invading dangerous territory.

"Fuck." I groaned and buried my head on her neck, inhaling her sexy scent. I'm gonna squeeze this moment till its last drop.

Her chest rumbled and I realized she was laughing. She was still clinging to me and she was patting me on the head. "ts'okay" she whispered in my ear.

I feel her drop a kiss on my head just before she untangled herself from my arms.

"I don't think I'd be able to leave the water anytime soon" I admitted, realizing that I must be blushing. There was business that has to go down first.

She smiled and shrugged. "Sure". I swore she was strutting as she walked back to the shore in her skimpy black bikini.

* * *

A/N: I didn't know writing sexy scenes was this hard.

No drama for this chap for now, but I do warn you guys that there are lots more coming coz I'm only halfway through. If you don't like ANGST this is a DNF/DNR...but I still wish you can learn to love the story and enjoy it too. Sorry for taking too long to update.

I love hearing from you! Thank you for all the support! And to the spanish pips on the comment board GRACIAS POR LEER! :)


	52. Chapter 51 : Frozen Hearts

**February 2018, Malibu**

I hurriedly got out of the water and took the towel from my assistant, shaking the water then patting myself dry.

"Oh wow that was good!" Katy said as she approached me. There was a huge grin on her face.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "You think? It's fucking freezing out there." I replied.

"That's why it was one take only" she giggled as I ignored her. "Unless you're pissed coz I didn't call for a second one! Aha!" she continued to tease as she tagged along while I walk back to our guest house.

The crew was set up in a rental house for the whole shoot schedule. It was your typical small beach house, you would think at this size I could at least bump into Kristen once, but no. Apparently, it's not that easy.

I was still burning for her, my skin is prickling from the kiss we just shared. I have to get my thoughts down unless I want to embarrass myself in front of everybody by going after her like a mad man.

"Where you going? Don't you guys want to see the clip first?" Katy complained, waving her clipboard around.

"No. I'll pass for now." I mumbled as I go up the porch. I needed a cold shower, the beach didn't suffice. I wouldn't be surprised if that kiss managed to bring the water temperature up.

After a good shower I changed into casual clothes. We're staying over for the night so we could get a good light for tomorrow's shoot again.

It was the first time we had to stay in, and the days for shooting was dwindling down. Only a couple more shoots and this will all be over.

I realized I was very adamant at the start to not do this at all, then after seeing her, all I ever wanted to do was win her friendship. I want to be able to make her laugh and smile again. I asked myself if what this was going to lead to. I couldn't even fathom what direction this was gonna go. I was just hoping that I won't fuck up this chance again.

Whoever thought I was going to get another chance? I keep thinking about her these past few weeks and I can't help but notice how she tries to hold back. I don't blame her. I just wish she could open herself a little more to me.

I don't even know what I'm getting myself into again. I'd probably play this step by step and take it from there.

"Do you know where Kristen is?" I asked a gofer.

"Err...last time I saw her she was at the porch drinking beer" He shrugged then went on his way.

I made my way through the throng of busy people around the family room. It was all tech set-up and such, and there was also your random rambunctiousness here and there. You'd expect that from Katy's crew, as I said, manage to turn everything into a party. This night was no exemption.

I glanced around for her but I knew she wasn't here, it was that gut feeling again. Somehow the pull was stronger now that I need to talk to her.

I went through the glass doors and onto to the porch, only to find some couple making out at the corner. Lucky them. She wasn't here though.

I sighed and grabbed a fresh beer from the bucket just inside the door, popped it and walked pass the porch, down to the beach.

And there she was.

"Hey." I called to her.

She looked back surprised. She could probably only see my silhouette so I introduced myself. "It's just me Rob."

I heard a little laugh. "I know."

"I was looking for you" I said as I slowly sank down and sat beside her on the sand.

"What's up?" She asked after she took a drink from her beer.

"Nothing, I just wanted to keep you company" I answered with a shrug, and offered her a smile when she glanced at me.

"I'm not that lonely" She smiled.

"Would you rather be alone?" I asked hesitantly. Please say no.

"No" she grinned. "Thank you for keeping me company."

I was quiet for a moment and just sat there taking her in. She was here sitting and smiling next to me.

I remember thinking back in London before this project started that she could be disagreeable the entire time and make it really hard for us. How can I even think of her like that? Kristen would never be like that, even to people who aren't worth her time. She was probably the most professional and kindest person I've ever met and I doubted her. I frowned. I've known her since she was 16, I've loved her for so long, and still I managed to think she was capable of something unfeeling.

"You're awfully quiet lately..." She murmured. "I'm not used to it that much." She continued as we both stare at the lapping waves a few feet away from us.

"I know..." I answered. "I'm not used to it too."

"What do you mean?" She asked quietly.

"Remember when we used to talk about everything and nothing?" I smiled, reminiscing. "We laugh about the most random stuff...agree on the craziest things..." I continued.

"...disagree about something but still find a way to end up agreeing..." she mumbled with a laugh.

"Yeah." I guffawed as I remember trying to make a stand against what we were having for dinner but still gave up coz I can't cook anything anyway.

"Oh yeah indeed...I had you wrapped around my finger." She giggled as she made a circling gesture with her finger.

Until now, Kristen. Until now.

"You like that don't you?" I gave her a wink and hooded look.

"Shut up!" She laughed out loud and pushed me away and I can't help but laugh with her. The giggle was infectious.

After a few seconds we quieted and minded our beer, but there was smile on our faces now.

"You know earlier...I thought it was going to be really hard for us to..." I started saying.

"...to kiss?" She cut me.

I coughed a little trying to cover an awkward sound.

"I promised to do this." she continued on a serious tone. I glanced at her and she looked at me. It was when I knew the conversation took some serious turn now. "I promised to Katy and you, I gave you my word...and I know there's just so much history. Kissing me might be the last thing you'd ever want to do anyway. I still would like this to be a good thing for us. A good thing to remember about us. I never do things half-heartedly Rob and I know these past few weeks you could be wishing you were somewhere else with someone else...and..."

"Hey...hey hey..." I tried to stop her emotional rant, turning to her and securing her in my arms. Hugging her while she continued to talk.

"...I'm sorry that you were forced to do this. I promise to make it easier and before you know it, it will be over. You don't even have to see me again. I swear Rob." I hear a sob and her voice faltering. "I'm sorry."

My blood ran cold, my chest hurt. I hugged her to me a little tighter as if I could stop those tears. It seems I'm just pretty much good at making her cry all the time.

"You're wrong..." I whispered.

"What?" She mumbled through my shirt.

"I very much like..."

"KRISTEN!"

I stopped in the middle of my confession and turned to her assistant who was coming towards us.

She hastily removed herself from my arms, wiping her eyes and stood up sensing the urgency.

"What's wrong?" Kristen exclaimed as she wobbled upright. I stood up immediately to steady her.

"Kristen! You wouldn't believe the surprise for you!"

Apparently, we mistook her assistant's excitement for worry.

"What is it?!" She insisted asking as the other girl drag her back to the house. I just followed quietly behind them. Dismayed with the chance that passed. Maybe I'd try again soon. We still have two days left here anyway.

"Ma...ma!" I hear a baby's voice. Aaaah. What a lovely surprise indeed. Katy came out to the porch greeting us with Thomas in her arms.

"Thomas!" Kristen cried out and happily took Thomas, hugging him tightly and showering him with kisses. "Oh God! I missed you! Who brought you here? Where's Nana Jules?" She continued and glanced inside the house to see if Jules was caught somewhere. I smiled at the picture they make.

"Hey Hon..." A familiar voice said just right beside me.

There walking up to us from the side of the house with his leather jacket on and a beer in his hand was no other than Nicholas.


	53. Chapter 52 : Jealous Hearts

**February 2018, Los Angeles**

"Can you pass the ketchup?" I murmured to Katy who was sitting right next to me on the dinner table.

"Here..." Nicholas said while he surreptitiously pushed the ketchup bottle in my direction as soon as he heard me.

I hear Katy snigger beside me and I knew she caught the gesture when the others were too busy to notice.

We were having dinner and Nic and Thomas were the surprise guests, much to Kristen's delight. Since they arrived an hour ago, I was torn from being awed at seeing the little kid of hers, and bummed that the person who fathered him was here too. He was supposed to be miles away like I thought he was.

I have this awful laugh bubbling inside me, threatening to get out. The irony of having to face the reality of your loss on the very same day that you realize you want someone still is surprisingly humorous.

"Thanks." I murmured, not even sure if the supposed recipient got it, but a confirmatory smile my way was enough to tell me that he, as usual, was fine with the arrangement. Our demented love triangle is back in full force.

Nicholas was sitted in front of me on the long rectangular table, right next to him, of course, was the current object of my desire. On her lap was a rambunctious one-year old who wouldn't stop jumping up and down, trying to get my attention across the table since we started.

"Thomas, Honey just one more please..." Kristen almost begged the baby to take another bite of his food, but it was futile. He was too busy spitting the food all over the place.

"I don't think he's gonna eat unless Uncle Rob-y notices him." Nic laughed and teased Thomas who responded with gurgling laughter, as if he understood what he just said. "Come here soldier!" He reached and took him from Kristen.

"What? They call me Uncle Rob-y now?!" I complained to Katy, and I swear she almost choked on her food. I glanced at the oblivious parents, a little glad they didn't hear the exchange.

"He seems quite taken with you, Rob" Nic pointed out with a quizzical look on his face as he settled Thomas on his lap and tried to feed him himself.

Runs in the blood, for a second there I wanted to say out loud, but then I glanced at Kristen who was too busy smiling adoringly at father and son, and I had the urge to smash somebody's face in.

"It's okay, you finish eating. I'll handle him. It's about time you get a break." Nic said to Kristen who didn't hesitate in going back to her plate.

I can't help but stare at what's playing in front me.

"This must be-" Katy coughed into her table napkin. "-killing you!" and coughed again.

I narrowed my eyes at her before looking back at Nic who was getting the upper hand on Thomas who was now surprisingly well-behaved.

"So, Nic...are you guys still gonna drive back to the city?" I asked.

Nic looked up surprised at my question. "I was planning to..." he answered then looked toward Kristen who was studiously ignoring us. "...but Kristen thinks it's too late for me and Thomas to drive back."

"Oh...so you guys staying in a nearby hotel?" I asked.

"No need for that!" Katy intruded. "I'll see if I can find you a room."

"Katy, it's fine" Kristen spoke up. "Nic and I can stay in one room with Thomas. The room is big enough"

"Oh..." Katy smiled. "Interesting." She murmured but I'm pretty sure I was the only who heard it. I heard that even with the constant ringing in my ear.

Suddenly, I didn't feel like eating anymore.

"Excuse me" I murmured to no one in particular and slid off my seat. I casually walked out to the balcony, conscious with the eyes following me.

* * *

"You don't have to do this" Nicholas said.

We were in the room trying to set up Thomas' milk bottles and heater on my dresser and laying down his travel cot on the corner.

"Do what?" I asked, not sure exactly what Nic was referring to. He was there sitting on the bed and observing me. He looked so tired that for a moment I was worried for his health. "Did you lose weight?"

"What? No." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Well...maybe a little." He frowned.

"You're working too hard." I said as I approached and sat beside him on the bed.

"Not really...Maybe I just miss your cooking." He shrugged.

I laughed. "You hardly ate my cooking when you were here!"

"Hey...to be fair, I do eat it every time I come over, and don't get me started about the time you had me gain weight when were still together and actually threatened my contract!" I laughed at his pained expression. He gained a lot of weight back then he almost lost a movie contract.

I just can't help but laugh about it. I turned and gave him a quick peck on the cheek and got a confused smile in return.

"What was that for?" He asked.

"For the wonderful surprise." I whispered.

He grinned. "Trust me, our kid was on the verge of driving Jules crazy if I didn't take him to see you."

I sighed. Thomas and his disappearing act. I just might buy a leash soon.

"And now you distracted me...I was telling you that there's no need for me to stay here. I can always stay at the couch downstairs." Nic started.

"Stop it. The bed is big enough, and we're over that phase aren't we?" I replied while I set the extra pillow on his side.

"There's no arguing out of this, is there?" He asked.

"Nope, not a chance. It's not as if you have a girlfriend who'll kill you if you sleep in the same bed with the mother of your child." I teased. "Do you?" I asked. I've always wondered why Nic haven't found somebody new.

"Nope...not yet..." He shook his head and sighed. "I guess I'm stuck here then."

"Yes you are." I agreed then threw a triumphant grin at him.

"How about your boyfriend?" Nic asked.

"What boyfriend?" My heart suddenly tightened.

"The one downstairs...If looks could kill, I would've been dinner." Nic laughed. I turned to comment but he was taking his shirt off.

"Don't be absurd." I replied and for a moment observed him in his glory. Trying to compare it to the earlier one you saw at the beach? I sighed. This bed sharing probably isn't a good idea after all. Maybe it was just pent-up feelings of frustration Rob started with his kisses.

"Yeah right...if that wasn't dislike, I don't know what is." He laughed.

"Are you gonna take a shower?" I asked. Nic nods. "Let me use the bathroom first...then I'll take Thomas from them and put him to sleep"

"Sure, hand me the spare towel, will you?" Nic replied.

* * *

"Rob, can you take Thomas upstairs? He's getting cranky. It's bedtime." Katy said as he handed me the baby.

"Wait, what? Weren't you the one who borrowed him?" I complained. The kid was gazing at me eyes wide.

"Jesus! Just take him upstairs. It's not as if told you to raise him." Katy replied as she hurriedly walked out to take a call.

"I guess it's just me and you kid." I frowned. Thomas giggled. "Let's go find mommy."

I carried Thomas upstairs and knocked on Kristen's room. I wondered if Nic was already in there. I haven't seen them since dinner. Is there still something going on between them?

With another knock I hear him answer inside. "Just a sec." Aaah. He's in there. My chest tightened and so did my grip on the baby.

The door opened and there in front of me was Nic almost naked except for a towel around his hips.

For a moment, I just stood there unable to comprehend what I was seeing. I then realized that my fears might actually be true, that there is still something going on between them.

"Da..da!" Thomas reached out for Nic and I hesitated at first, but then he raised his eyebrows at me.

"Are you looking for Kristen?" He asked. "She's in the shower."

"I...uhh...Thomas was sleepy. I thought I should bring him up already." I answered, awkwardly.

"Thanks Man..." He smiled casually before closing the door.

Closing and burying my hopes too.

* * *

A/N: It took me what? A week to get this update up. Lol. I'm sorry for taking so long but I'm trying to run the plot in my mind and I'm scared I might make the wrong choices. Hopefully this got me somwhere. Somehow it's starting to get complicated with Nic and the baby back in the scene.

I REALLY WANT TO HEAR WHAT U THINK.


	54. Chapter 53 : Secret White Party

A/N: Before I proceed I just want you guys to know that I was called to attention for writing about real people here. I am actually aware of the fact that it's not allowed. Lol. But so are the hundreds of Robsten stories out there... So to be fair. I just want to remind you again that THIS STORY IS FICTION and the product of my twisted and frustrated robsten mind. So don't confuse it with the real them, got it? I love those two to death so I didn't make this to harm them in anyway personally.

So if suddenly you find this taken down in the future email me at (kysollesta at gmail dot com) so I can send you a link for another source. Thanks a lot for reading guys!

* * *

**December 2016, Los Angeles**

"I miss you, Babe" Rob said over the phone.

"I miss you too..." I replied. I was smiling like a fool and making kissing sounds on the mouthpiece. I so wanted to be with him but I understand he needed to settle some things first before flying here to be with me.

"So have you decided on anything yet? I was wondering if you thought about the one we talked about last night." He said sounding solemn.

Last night he mentioned that he would prefer a quiet and private wedding where there were only few witnesses. I liked it too of course, the fact that it's actually gonna happen makes me giddy enough not to really care about the details. To be honest I haven't even told anyone yet, and I just might get away getting married without anybody else knowing.

A married life with Rob. I smile to myself again. I keep picturing a small boy who looks just like him and my heart can't help but constrict with sweet joy.

I can't believe we're finally here. I just can't believe we made it and found each other again.

"Anything...Im happy enough to be with you." I answered. Its true. At the end day, what matters is that we're together.

"That's great. Kris I got to go. You email my assistant with your plans and the date you want. He needs to fix my sched. Hopefully I'd be back soon before." He mumbled as I hear laughter in the background. He's probably out in a pub having lunch.

"Okay..." I hesitate. "Rob, you said first week of January, you're coming home before that right?"

"Of course, Babe..." He laughed. "Don't worry, what's important is I'm gonna be there at the end of the aisle okay?"

"Yeah" I sigh with relief. "I can't wait."

"Me too. Okay. I love you! Bye" He replied.

"I love you too..." I said just in time before he dropped the call.

The silence on the other end was deafening and I suddenly feel alone again. I looked at my unfinished plate in front of me and realized I've been picking on my food again. He won't like it if I lost weight.

I stood up and decided that he wasn't here to see it anyway so I dropped the remains in the bin and stashed the plate in the washer.

I have to go make some calls, to mom and dad in particular, to tell them the good news. It's gonna be a long one coz they still don't know Rob and I actually got back together. Then I have to call Alice and ask her to be my maid-of-honour slash witness, she's gonna hate it if I make her wear a dress. The fact that she was the only one who knew I went with Rob to Isle of Wight gives her the advantage already. I needed to tell at least my best friend where I was disappearing to.

Rob mentioned only two witnesses each. I frowned, I'm so gonna be screwed If the others find out that they're left out. I wanted CJ to be there, but I also have to explain the got-back-together-with-Rob again.

Shit. Better to have one instead? Alice. Mom and Dad are exempted. One has to walk me down the pretend aisle. So its Alice, Mom and Dad.

I smiled. This mini secret wedding is easy to plan apparently.

Now for my dress, that wouldn't be a problem. I just wanted it to be a simple cut and I know Nicolas G. can loan me one.

I was actually due to see him this afternoon. I called him this morning and asked for an appointment and was lucky enough to be given one as early as today.

I'll just tell him I need one for a white party.

"Kristen, darling. How are you?" Mr. Nicolas Ghesquiere greeted me at the doorway of his appointed office.

I beamed at him. He might look serious to others but he has become a dear friend over the years and he's one of my trusted designers.

"I'm great! And you?" I asked after we greeted each other with a kiss on both cheeks and a fond hug.

"Wonderful as always" He smiled and led me to a couch in the center of the room. Apparently I wasn't getting the impersonal behind-the-desk treatment.

"Thanks for having me, I'm sorry to impose really but it would be just great if you can lead me somewhere to see old collections. No need for the new ones." I smiled shyly. The goal here was simple, I won't let my mind wander to anything else. Choose a dress then go home, no need for refitting. I actually decided to do my own make-up, It won't be that hard to pin loose ends of my dress.

"No no...How soon do you need one? I can make a new one for you. I can produce it as soon as you like" He said in all seriousness. Somehow I knew he was gonna say that.

"Oh no need for that. It's not a public event and it won't be seen by others much. Just something small-scale. I'll use it for an hour only or shorter." I insisted.

"Are you sure?" He asked with his one eyebrow raised.

"Yes. Very sure." I grinned.

"Okay...so if you can describe in specifics maybe we have just the one for you..." He smiled.

"Umm...well...it has to be white" I shrugged.

"And...?" He asked encouragingly.

"And...flowy, knee-length probably. It can be long but no train...but maybe a little is okay." I recited. "And lace...definitely lace and silk" I smiled imagining a perfect one in my head. Somehow it morphed to my wedding dress in Breaking Dawn and I knew if I had the chance I would want a wedding just like what me and Rob had in that movie. "No...I take back the veil...I mean the train! No train..." I sighed, blushing red as I realized I almost outed myself.

Nicolas only smiled at me.

"Umm...do you think Id be able to borrow something like that?" I asked quietly, almost shy that I was actually imposing on him.

He smiled sweetly at me. "You said it was for a white party?"

I nod.

"Small...not public?" He verified.

"Yes...low-key, almost secret party" I joked. "You wouldn't even hear about it...just me and a couple of friends."

"Ahh wonderful...young people and their secrets." He said as he stood up and went to a bookcase to retrieve a white binder.

He stood there for a few minutes perusing the materials in it. It probably was pictures of the dresses. I had the urge to borrow and choose one myself but I trust him to know what he's doing.

"You know I actually don't have much white in collection...But I know someone who has a couple in storage..." He murmured still flipping through pages.

"That's great!" I said from my chair, suddenly excited.

"Do you want to try some today?" He asked looking at me finally.

"That would be wonderful." I nod.

He accompanied me to the ground level of the building. It wasn't his, but he knew the right person who have the ones I wanted.

"Carolina is in Europe today but I know it's okay if we scan through her collections" He said to me with a smile as we went through hallways, passing different corporate offices.

"Carolina?" I asked. Maybe it was his trainee or another designer for Louis Vuitton.

We make a turn and there in front of us was a glass door with the name Carolina Herrera on it.

I froze and looked at Nicolas who only smiled at me while he opened the door and greeted the attendant.

"Good Afternoon Mr. Ghesquiere!" She smiled, then beamed speechless when she saw me. I smile back shyly.

Somehow my mouth was paralyzed coz I can't help but wonder if he figured me out. Carolina was the one who designed my wedding dress for Breaking Dawn and now my hearts all aflutter.

"Emily...you don't mind if we go scan the collections of your white dresses?" He asked her.

"Oh no Sir. It's perfectly okay. Can I get you both and Ms. Stewart something?" She asked politely.

I asked for wine, I probably would have asked for beer to boost my confidence if they had it.

We went into a huge walk-in closet lined by walls of dresses hanged neatly and orderly. They were all white, and I knew they were all mostly wedding dresses.

I turned to Nicolas knowing I was sweating inside out coz he probably figured me out already.

"Umm...they're too extravagant for a white party you know." I informed him with a hesitant grin.

"Ahh...are they?" He asked smiling. "It won't hurt to look around a bit."

Yeah. It won't hurt anyone, but I might end up hurting myself for wanting things I can't have. I sighed, but they all look so magnificent I wanted to cry.

So yes. I actually followed my heart and went around and scanned the recent collection. They were ranging from daring to classic to princess cuts and ball gown splendour. I can't help but feel a little giddy, wishing there was someone here with me to help me choose. Too bad it was a secret. Oh well...I can't have everything. Rob as my husband is enough.

Nicolas was there sitting at couch and I know he's silently and patiently observing me, pitching in suggestions once in a while, encouraging me to try some of the dresses. I actually turned him down every time, nope, no trying. I have to remember picking a simple one.

I sighed again. It is rather difficult to aim lower when the beautiful and better things are within reach.

It took me almost an hour, but as I've reached the end I knew there was no way I'd find the perfect one, aside from a couple of runners-up I found.

"Aaah...run out of options?" Nicolas asked from his seat. I turned and shrugged. "Fear not...I think I have seen something at the back."

He stood up and disappeared for a while. I sat, patiently waiting. After a few minutes he came out cuddling a bundle of lace in his arms. I perked up putting aside my wine glass and stood up waiting for him to reveal it. When he finally did I can't help but gasp.

It was simple, yes, but elegant. It was straight, body-hugging, square-necked with lace long sleeves. It was silk, lace covered from the top then flowing to the bottom. It was exquisite. It was a dream come true. It was too much for a small wedding.

"Oh no...this is wonderful. But I think it's too much." I shook my head trying to tamp down my feelings.

Nicolas hesitated. "Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes. I think I'll just go with the knee-length lace I've seen earlier." I replied. "Yes, the knee-length is better" I added with conviction, turning away from the beautiful dress.

I hear Nicolas sigh. "If that's what you like..." He smiled encouragingly at me.

"Thank you very much for everything Nicolas" I smiled warmly then approached him for a long hug.

"You're welcome. I wish you happiness on your little secret white party." He kissed me on the cheek and somehow I knew that he knew.

* * *

A/N: Kristen may appear like the strong non-girly type of woman, but I know she like all the others would always always love wedding dresses. She did love the one she wore in BD as she said in an interview.

So anyway if you guys are interested to see the dress I was referring too I have the link to my RK twitter acct here. ( at YuleeRK) is my username

Ive been trying to post a link but I so got to stop cheating fanfictionnet...lol.


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